From Eden and Back: The Incredible Misadventures of Billy Barker. John Randolph Price

From Eden and Back: The Incredible Misadventures of Billy Barker - John Randolph Price

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      The Incredible Misadventures of Billy Barker

      A Novel by


      Copyright 2012 by John Randolph Price

      E-book published by Literary Plaisir, Inc., P.O. Box 1196,

      Boerne, Tx. 78006

      Published in eBook format by

      ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0860-6

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.

      NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author's imagination. Also used in a humorous manner are words and images to portray strong sexual passion and graphic violence.

      FROM EDEN AND BACK: The Incredible Misadventures of Billy Barker, by John Randolph Price

      When John Randolph Price read Candide--written by Voltaire in 1759 and considered a remarkable satiric novel even to this day—he was inspired to write a similar parody for our time. He would take the basic elements of Candide and weave them into a book of comic criticism of today's contemporary life.

      Price's tale carries symbolic heros through bizarre experiences and disastrous adventures to satirize religious and political extremism, criminal absurdities, strange beliefs, and curious lifestyles as he builds the philosophical and spiritual foundation toward a startling conclusion. The characters are comical, the action filled with ironic twists and turns as the heros frantically search for the meaning of God, life, and this world.

      With exaggeration and farcical stretches of imagination, the barbs fly at everything considered sacred. Ultimately they find the Master Teacher who has all the answers. It is an exciting journey to the hidden garden where the mysteries of life are finally understood.

      With a tip of the hat to Francois Marie Arouet, otherwise known as Voltaire, author of Candide.


      The white Piper Cub with the red streak on the sides and down the tail was piloted by old Joe Beno and was flying at about five thousand feet in a clear blue sky over eastern Montana when it coughed twice and the propeller stopped. Old Joe banged on the fuel gage. Nothing. Empty tank. Didn't fill up at the last stop. He tried the radio for gliding instructions to the nearest airport. No one was listening. He took a couple of swigs of Jim Beam from the silver flask, lit a cigar and sang a song, gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight as he headed the craft toward the highway in the distance.

      On that rural road somewhere between Sidney and Lewistown, Montana, Ralph and Louise Barker were driving their brand new 1960 black Chevrolet when it suddenly lost power. While Louise continued to nibble on her Baby Ruth candy bar, Ralph shifted into neutral and tried starting the engine. Wouldn't catch. Louise noticed the needle on the gauge collapsed on the empty mark. As the car coasted to a stop in the middle of the road, she said, "Two hundred miles from nowhere and you run out of gas. And you told me not to worry when we left Sidney. Not to worry, that's what you said, not to worry, not to worry--"

      Her words were interrupted with a large hand over her mouth, causing her to swallow the chocolate and nuts and nearly choking. Ralph waited until the coughing spell ceased, then said, "Sorry, dear, but there really isn't anything to worry about. Someone's bound to come along in just a minute."

      Ralph was right. Old Joe was setting the Piper down on the blacktop without a center stripe and the black Chevrolet blended in perfectly. In seconds the plane and car became one in a fireball noticed by no one. Except the buzzards, who would wait until things cooled down.

      Meanwhile back in Chicago, sweet sixteen-year-old blonde and blue-eyed William Murplethorp Barker, better known as Billy, was staying with his grandmother Mildred while his parents were on vacation. When Mildred heard the news of the demise of Ralph and Louise, she dropped dead of a heart attack. Billy did the rounds of what he considered the inconvenient but necessary funerals, and finally went to live with his mother's sister, Florine Doobie, in California.

      Florine's husband, M.C. Doobie, owned much of downtown Los Angeles, and the Doobie home in Bel Air was considered the most palatial castle-estate south of Santa Barbara. Along with M.C. and Florine there was Cash Doobie, their devious son—about the same age as lovable Billy Barker-and six servants. Also on the grounds was the caretaker, the Reverend Jerry Roberts, always neatly groomed with the appearance of gently waved plaster of Paris hair. Same color. A former televangelist, he was forced to give up his empire when he was discovered having intercourse with a camerawoman following an on-air diatribe about the sin of sex.

      Living with the Reverend was his daughter, Lillie, a highly sensual eighteen year old with long dark hair and blue-black eyes and a delectable figure that was always clothed in tight-fitting silk to accent her erotic attributes. Reverend Robert's wife, Lulu, had left him and had since built a profitable escort service in Los Angeles.

      And so nice Billy Barker found himself in this environment of old wealth and new temptations, the ideal opportunity to test his mettle.

      Billy was six foot one in height and weighed exactly one hundred and seventy-one pounds-a slender boy with squared shoulders and a face that reflected the angels in heaven: sweetness and light from a perpetual smile and shining eyes.His thick blonde wavy hair that lapped over his shirt collar stayed in place without hair spray.

      M.C. Doobie, upon seeing Billy for the first time in fifteen years, said, "Son, you were created for the movies, and I will see to it that you have a starring role in a major motion picture." When Billy asked M.C. how this was to be accomplished, the bald, nearly three hundred pound five-foot-five czar casually replied "I own the land where the studios are headquartered." Billy rubbed his long-fingered hands in delight.

      Billy Barker was happy. Not only did he have a new father-figure who was rich and powerful, but exactly one hundred yards from the main house was the girl of his dreams: provocative and seductive Lillie. He could see her lying on her back in bed, a large rectangular swatch of thin black silk covering her as though dropped from above and finding its resting place in soft uneven furrows on her deep breathing body, ready to be snatched away to reveal firm breasts and milk-smooth skin, eyes and mouth beckoning him to smother her and penetrate to the depths of her passion. Billy had an over-energized imagination brought on by a strong libido as the result of seven fire signs in his astrological chart.

      As Aunt Florine entered the room Billy put his hand in his pocket to conceal his rising phoenix consumed in fire. The tiny frail woman with gray hair in the form of a crew cut said, "Sweet Billy, what are you thinking about?"

      He smiled innocently. "How indeed fortunate I am to be here with my most favorite aunt and uncle in this lavish dwelling and bountiful land. I truly live in paradise. And since I graduated early from high school, college will be my next adventure, that is, if you and Uncle M.C. see fit to assist me financially. Of course, I could work--"

      "Work?" Florine put her hand over her mouth in shock. "My dear Billy, no one in this family works. We are not a part of the great unwashed, the average folk. They work for us, and so sweet Billy, they shall work for you. But first you must graduate from a fine local university and then take your place alongside son-Cash to hunt in the fields, attend marvelous parties with champagne fountains and international food stations, travel around the world, and be with me whenever M.C. is away enjoying his frequent liaisons."

      Billy thought of Lillie draped in black silk on the bed as a scene in a movie. His hand was still in his pocket. "But Uncle M.C. said I could be a famous actor."

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