The Truth about Relationships. Stefan Blom

      Human & Rousseau

      The layout of this digital edition of The Truth about Relationships may differ from that of the printed version, depending on the settings on your reader. The layout displays optimally if you use the default setting on your reader. Readers can experiment with the settings to have the text displayed differently.

      To my parents, for the gifts of awareness, creativity and truth.

      foreword

      I am in love and I am lost

      But I’d rather be

      Broken than empty

      Oh, I’d rather be

      Shattered than hollow

      Oh, I’d rather be

      By your side

      First Aid Kit, ‘Shattered and Hollow’

      My words feel like a gift that needs to be given. They are the words I have spoken for many years to couples and individuals in therapy, and the words I have learnt from many people struggling to make sense of their relationships. They are also what I have learnt from being in relationships myself. For many years, I have written them in notebooks, on my laptop and phone, and on little scraps of paper. Often, before I fall asleep at night, or when I am with couples in therapy, jogging, with my family, or walking on the beach, the truth about relationships comes to me like a light in the dark. As I have written and spoken these words over the years, I have seen how they have moved people and changed their lives.

      I hope my words will give you direction, ideas and – above all – relief.

      introduction

      The experience of your relationships determines the experience of your life. This is a simple truth. If you feel close and connected to the people around you, life feels good.

      Connection is the highway to happiness.

      A life without real relationships is not a good life. The truth is that real relationships are honest and connected relationships – there is no other way to be in relationships. A life with close and connected relationships is always a more meaningful and significant life.

      In our core, we are made for real connections. Our basic human nature is designed for togetherness, closeness and connection.

      Animals and humans crave feeling connected to one another, because we feel incomplete without closeness and connection. When you don’t feel close to your daughter or son, or when you feel distant from your partner, it makes you unhappy. If you connect only with things and places, you don’t feel complete. To be truly happy, we need real, connected relationships.

      To connect and stay connected is to love.

      Because we are designed for real connection, there is no other way but to live an honest and connected life. A real relationship is an honest relationship. The closer you are to the people and animals around you, the happier you will feel. Being connected is happiness in action.

      The only life worth living is a life of honest, close connections.

      We remember and cherish our moments of true connection. When we speak about the times when we were truly happy, we speak about the moments when we felt more connected to ourselves and the people around us. These are the best times of our lives, for the simple reason that the more connected we feel to ourselves and the people closest to us, the happier our lives feel. When you look at an artwork, your pet, your partner, your garden, or your parents, and you truly connect with them, you love them. In these moments of true love, you will move and be moved, and life will bring you real joy.

      Real, connected relationships hold the power of happiness. Maybe relationships are all that matter. Maybe relationships are all we really have to give us joy.

      How often you are honest and connected to yourself and the people around you will determine the experience of your life. Think about it.

      Our connections to places, things, people and animals need to be honest and real. We all know that connections to things and places are not as powerful as connections to humans and animals. The ironic truth is that the more things you have, and the more beautiful the place you are in, the more your need for real connections will surface. When we are in beautiful places, we miss our real connections. Therefore, we find true happiness in our relationships with the people and animals we connect with and love.

      In the next nine chapters, you will find ways to move from disconnection to connection in any of your relationships. These include:

      •Steps you can take to prepare yourself and create a context for having honest conversations;

      •A selection of basic relationship skills that you can use for speaking honestly and openly;

      •A selection of advanced relationships skills that you can use during your most difficult conversations, especially when you disagree;

      •Practical steps to restore a sense of trust in any of your relationships, if trust has been broken;

      •Exercises and topics for discussion that could assist you to reconnect sexually and intimately;

      •A collection of questions in preparation for dating, and lessons for dating and meeting new people;

      •An understanding of what you can do, practically, if your relationship feels like it is ending or when your heart is broken because your relationship has reached its end; and …

      •An honest and practical guide to how to love yourself;

      •Some frequently asked questions, with answers.

      This book is written in such a way that you can read any topic of interest to you. At the same time, you may learn something about yourself even when you read a chapter that does not seem to apply to you.

      Chapter 1

      get ready to talk

      You may think you need to express every upset you feel, but being upset does not mean that you have to start speaking. If you are upset, you should rather start thinking. We can benefit greatly from thinking before we speak – reflecting before we react.

      THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

      What are you thinking about? Think about what you see in yourself and in your relationship. Focus on observing yourself and your relationship, instead of always looking at your partner. Before you start speaking and reacting, first think about what is really going on inside you and in your relationship.

      You cannot change something you do not see.

      If you don’t know where you and your partner are in life, you will be disconnected from yourself and the person closest to you. Not knowing where you are in yourself and your relationship holds risks for you and your relationship.

      KNOW WHERE YOU ARE

      Staying connected to yourself and your relationship means knowing where you and your partner are emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, financially and sexually most of the time. If you lead a busy life, it is, of course, not always possible to know this exactly. Couples and individuals who do not check in with themselves on a regular basis will find themselves disconnected and in trouble over time.

      Knowing where you are with each other means staying connected.

      At times of disconnection, it seems more important to know where you are than to know who you are. In a way, we know who we are, but we don’t seem to know where we are in our lives.

      Do you know what you are thinking and feeling at this point in your life? Do you know what you need for yourself and your relationships? Do you know what matters to you … what is really important to you in life?

      Do