Little Book of Hard Bastard Jokes - Laugh or Else!. Kate Kray
For my sister, Maggie
A big thank you to all the men for telling me their jokes.
Thanks to Steve ‘The Nostrils’ Rolls.
To Geoff Langan and Don Barrett for the fantastic photos.
To Mark Hanks, my editor, for his hard work.
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Introduction
The Little Book of Hard Bastard Jokes
Copyright
All the men in Hard Bastards and Hard Bastards 2 come from a dangerous and shadowy world where life is cheap and violence is commonplace. Punchings and stabbings, knifes and shooters have long been part of their everyday existence. A lot of them still train at the gym and they always will – being fit, hard and keen is all that’s between them and a trip to casualty or the city morgue. For many of them, when its six o’clock, it’s time for their sharp strides. They shine their shoes, put on a crisp white shirt and adjust their dickie-bow, ready for whatever the night is going to throw at them. I’ve rubbed shoulders, interviewed and talked at length with literally thousands of hard bastards, gangsters, yardies, triads, terrorists, gypsies, hell’s angels – you name ‘em , I’ve interviewed ‘em.
But is there a common link between them? A thread that crosses every boundary, despite colour, creed or belief? It’s true that most have committed gross acts of violence, even murder. Nearly all have spent long spells in prison. Is it something in their childhood that sent them down the rocky road? Poverty? Abuse? Unhinged minds? Or are they just crazy mixed up motherfuckers? It’s hard to say, and each has a different story to tell. Then it dawned on me that there was one thing that linked them all – just one.
Humour.
I don’t mean that they would stab you and laugh while you bleed, (or perhaps they would!). But humour, laughter, a nudge and a grin – all of them, every single one, liked to tell a gag or two. Each man I interviewed, I asked them to tell me a joke. Instantly their faces changed. Gone was the fierce look and unblinking eyes, gone was the snarl and the spitting and cursing. Their craggy faces would lighten up. Broad gold-toothed smiles beamed at me – ‘ ’ere, do you know that one about … knock knock … An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman … ’
After they delivered the punchline, all would crease up, howling with laughter. They would look around the room, expecting everyone to find the joke as funny as they did. Some would titter a nervous titter, some would laugh out of fear of losing their bollocks. All in all, everyone laughed. Here is a collection of those jokes.
Kate Kray.
NAME: Roy Shaw
DATE OF BIRTH: You’re as old as the woman you feel!
STAR SIGN: Pisces
OCCUPATION: Whatever he wants!
DID YOU HEAR about the two convicts in America who were about to be executed? The warden says to the first one, ‘Do you have a last request?’ The convict says, ‘Yes, I’d like to hear the song “Achy Breaky Heart” one last time.’The Warden says, ‘OK, I think we can arrange that.’ Then he says to the second convict, ‘How about you?’ The second convict says, ‘Yeah, kill me first.’
NAME: Vic Dark
DATE OF BIRTH: 12 April 1957
STAR SIGN: Aries
OCCUPATION: Ex-armed robber
THERE’S A NEW PRODUCT on the market – Viagra eye drops. They don’t do anything, just make you look hard.
NAME: Joey Pyle
DATE OF BIRTH: 2 November 1937
STAR SIGN: Scorpio
OCCUPATION: Businessman
A MAFIA GODFATHER, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, ‘Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?’ The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, ‘Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?’ The attorney interrupts, ‘Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.’The Godfather says, ‘Well ask him where my damn money is!’ The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, ‘I don’t know what you are talking about.’The attorney interprets to the Godfather, ‘He doesn’t know what you are talking about.’ The Godfather pulls out a .9 mm pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, ‘Ask him again where my damn money is!’ The attorney signs to the accountant, ‘He wants to know where it is!’ The accountant signs back, ‘OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!’ The Godfather says, ‘Well … what did he say?’ The attorney interprets to the Godfather, ‘He says … go to hell … that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.’
NAME: Freddie Foreman
DATE OF BIRTH: 5 March 1932
STAR SIGN: Pisces
OCCUPATION: Managing Director of British Crime
After checking the licence of the driver he’d stopped, the police officer comments. ‘It says here you’re supposed to be wearing glasses.’ ‘But Officer,’ said the driver, ‘I’ve got contacts.’ ‘I don’t care who you know,’ snaps the officer. ‘You’re breaking the law.’
NAME: Kevin Houston – ‘naughty but nice’
DATE OF BIRTH: 8 May 1951
STAR SIGN: Taurus
OCCUPATION: Boxing Promoter; Tattoo Artist; Entrepreneur
THERE’S THIS PRIEST, and he’s having a wank at the back of the Vatican, and he hears a click – and there’s a tourist who is taking a picture of him. So he says, ‘Oh, you have a camera,’ and the tourist says, ‘Yes, I take picture of you.’ The priest says, ‘How much do you want for camera?’ He says, ‘A thousand dollars.’ The priest says, ‘OK, I give you a thousand dollars for camera.’ So he gives him the thousand dollars and gets the fucking camera from him and walks round the corner and sees the Monsignor. The Monsignor says, ‘How much you pay for the camera?’ The priest says, ‘I pay a thousand dollars for camera.’ The Monsignor says, ‘He must have seen you coming!’
NAME: Bill