Love Conquers All. Robert Benchley
is that so?"
"Eah?"
"How do you get that way?"
"Oh, is that so?"
"So are you."
"Aw, go have your hair bobbed."
"Oh, is that so?"
"Well, what are you going to do about it?"
"Who says so?"
"Eah? Well, I'll Cincinnati you."
"Oh, is that so?"
Any one of these, if hurled with sufficient venom, is good for ten points. And it should always be borne in mind that there is no danger of physical harm resulting from even the most ferocious-sounding argument. Statistics gathered by the War Department show that the percentage of actual blows struck in grandstand arguments is one in every 43,000,000.
For those fans who are occasionally obliged to take inexperienced lady-friends to a game, a special set of rules has been drawn up. These include the compulsory purchase of tickets in what is called the "Explaining Section," a block of seats set aside by the management for the purpose. The view of the diamond from this section is not very good, but it doesn't matter, as the men wouldn't see anything [pg 039]of the game anyway and the women can see just enough to give them material for questions and to whet their curiosity. As everyone around you is answering questions and trying to explain score-keeping, there is not the embarrassment which is usually attendant on being overheard by unattached fans in the vicinity. There is also not the distracting sound of breaking pencils and modified cursing to interfere with unattached fans' enjoyment of the game.
Absolutely no gentlemen with uninformed ladies will be admitted to the main stand. In order to enforce this regulation, a short examination on the rudiments of the game will take place at the gate, in which ladies will be expected to answer briefly the following questions: (Women examiners will be in attendance.)
1. What game is it that is being played on this field?
2. How many games have you seen before?
3. What is (a) a pitcher; (b) a base; (c) a bat?
4. What color uniform does the home-team wear?
5. What is the name of the home-team?
6. In the following sentence, cross out the incorrect statements, leaving the correct one: The catcher stands (1) directly behind the pitcher in the pitcher's box; (2) at the gate taking tickets; (3) [pg 040]behind the batter; (4) at the bottom of the main aisle, selling ginger-ale.
7. What again is the name of the game you expect to see played?
8. Do you cry easily?
9. Is there anything else you would rather be doing this afternoon?
10. If so, please go and do it.
It has been decided that the American baseball fan should have a distinctive dress. A choice has been made from among the more popular styles and the following has been designated as regulation, embodying, as it does, the spirit and tone of the great national pastime.
Straw hat, worn well back on the head; one cigar, unlighted, held between teeth; coat held across knees; vest worn but unbuttoned and open, displaying both a belt and suspenders, with gold watch-chain connecting the bottom pockets.
The vest may be an added expense to certain fans who do not wear vests during the summer months, but it has been decided that it is absolutely essential to the complete costume, and no true baseball enthusiast will hesitate in complying.[pg 041]
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