Anniversarian. A play for 2 people. Comedy. Nikolay Lakutin

      Filimon's poor bachelor apartment. There are many books on the shelves. The table is set for twenty people, the host is waiting for guests on the occasion of celebrating his anniversary.

      Action 1

      Scene 1

      Philemon (into the phone). Ay, thank you, dear, it feels good to the core. I'm getting ready, of course. The table is almost set. I don't know if that's a lot or a little for you. For twenty people. Yes, yes. Well, how about it? Family, friends, loved ones. Friends, buddies. That's still a minimum. Yeah. Yes. Thanks, kisses. And a huge hello to him. All right, bye.

      He puts down his phone. Nostalgic, dancing, putting the finishing touches to the table decoration. He serves and waits for the guests with anticipation.

      Philemon. Where did I put my big, beautiful decanter? It would be very appropriate now. Oh, okay. Let the juices and drinks be in tetropacks and in bottles. It's not too festive, but what can you do. There will only be all their own, they will not condemn.

      Like that. Philemon! Fifty kopecks! He lived! I made it! The age is not to say that it is respectable, but, nevertheless, not everyone can boast even of it today. And how many times have I been saved by God or the devil? The dashing years did not pass me by, everything happened. Thank you for being alive, healthy and sane. But it will be about the past, soon the guests will start coming …

      Looking at the clock.

      Philemon. Yes, soon. Very soon. Oh, how will we get together! How will we sit! Let's celebrate! Just like in the good old days. We don't get together very often now, we need a serious reason for such an event. And there are not so many reasons. We are gathered either at funerals, weddings, or anniversaries. My wedding has been over for a long time, the funeral, I hope, will wait, but the anniversary – yes… Let's laugh, let's remember…

      the sound of a message is heard. Filimon finds his smartphone, presses "listen".

      A voice message. Philemon, hello. Happy anniversary, happy holiday. I'm sorry, please, the children and I won't be able to come to you. Kostya, the idiot, bought tickets on a hot ticket and said so only now. I wanted to make a surprise… It turned out that way. We have a flight at midnight today, we only have time to pack. Don't think we were actually going to see you. We bought a gift. The children have also prepared something for you personally. But you know that their relationship with Kostya is still not very good. So he decided to fly to Vietnam together to unite the family. His friend works at a travel agency, she found last-minute packages, all inclusive at a good price, and Kostya immediately took them away. But at least I told you yesterday, you fool. Of course, he didn't think about your birthday. And our plans all went to hell. I myself have an appointment with a cosmetologist at nine in the evening, Pashka and a girl were going to the cinema for an evening session, and Alinka was going to a friend for an overnight stay. We all have plans covered with a copper basin, I'm sorry, please, but don't give up this trip now? When we arrive, we will come to you first, a souvenir from Vietnam is for us! No offense, okay? I'm sorry about what happened… Happy holidays, once again, great to celebrate! Say hello to all of us, we kiss and hug everyone!

      Philemon. That's the news! My ex–wife-damn her, along with her unfinished Bone. Everything is always wrong with her, thank God. In marriage, she ruffled my nerves, so then again and after … (Mimics) Philemon, happy holidays to you, please forgive me, fi-fi-fi, tut-tut-tut… Ugh! I won't forgive you! She's the one who looks so sweet, so innocent of anything, but in life she's still an infection! Well, let her fly with her beautiful new hubby, a fair wind, a flag in her hands… And somewhere else. But the fact that I won't see the children is really upsetting. We don't see them very often anyway. They are conditionally adults. Under thirty for both son and daughter. They don't always have time for the folder. Relationships, work, friends… We call each other, on my initiative, mainly. But so that we can see each other once again… They don't come to me for no reason, even though I call them all the time, but how am I going to see them now? If only my ex lived with them, it would be another matter. As it is, I'm not there at all. I stopped by on business once, so I felt with my whole skin that I was superfluous there. This Kostya keeps quiet, but his gaze is unkind. And this one is also like between two fires. It was awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. I haven't been to them since.

      I thought I'd finally see the kids. While we're talking, maybe I'll scout something out. It's interesting, though, how they live. And the way you don't ask on the phone is the standard answer: Nothing, Dad, everything is fine, everything is as usual.

      A message sound is heard. Filimon picks up his smartphone, presses "listen".

      A voice message. Hey, bro! Happy holidays! Health, money, good luck and inspiration! This is the case, I have an emergency at the factory. They pulled it urgently. It doesn't happen often, but no, no, yes and yes. I'm already going to. Apparently for a long time. Dasha doesn't want to go without me, especially since both of her daughters are kind of quaint. They cough and sniffle. The infection is walking around the city, now everyone is sick. Suddenly what? Imagine infecting you on your bright holiday? Yes, it will not be possible to beg for it later. Somehow, everything piled up from all sides at once. Let me give you a light as soon as I'm free. Tomorrow evening, I'll probably stop by with Dashka, and let the snotty children stay at home, there's nothing for them to spread the infection. That's it, I'm sorry, I have to run. See you later!

      Philemon. And my brother is there too! What kind of day is this? It all started out fine! There should be a holiday! Joy! Family and friends. Gatherings, conversations. Jokes are jokes. My brother is generally the soul of the company by himself, you can't tan with him. Now he has also lost the main mass entertainer.

      Yeah… Everything didn't go according to plan. What can you do – life! The emergency is not a joke. Let them solve problems, fix problems. His job is responsible, his position is high. If it is necessary, then it is necessary.

      It turns out that my family will not be at the table. But stop though! Why won't it be? The nephew is a cousin! Yes, he also asked for his new girlfriend, I don't remember her name, he changes them like gloves. I don't really like this idea of his coming to my party with another lady of his heart, but it's inconvenient to refuse. Okay, really… At least he will be from his family, otherwise it doesn't work out well at all.

      A message sound is heard. Filimon picks up the smartphone again, presses "listen".

      Voice message (in a sleepy voice). Uncle Philemon, hello. I went out with mine a little bit yesterday. We returned home late. To be more precise, it's too early. My eyes are barely open now. We need to wake up somehow, cheer up, understand what's what, where and… and… this… Yes. What did you want to say? You're sitting down without us. Don't wait. We'll swing until we get to you from the other side of the city. Start without us, we'll catch up. We will accept the penalty for being late (yawns) No talking! Even better, two! But no, wait, mine says something… huh? Yeah. Clear. Look, we'll overplay it a little. My bunny urgently needs to hand over a USB flash drive with a diploma, she is my student. Fussing, the last course. Look, now she's running to a meeting, solving her business, and then straight to you, I'll tell her the address. In the meantime, I'll swing, and I'll jump up about there by the time. I'll meet you at your place. We won't miss each other. Just later.

      Philemon. That's an asshole Earring! I knew that I was going to my uncle's birthday at four o'clock! Then why the hell are you wandering around at night? You have to count on it somehow! Youth is careless, he was like that himself. Eh… Where are my seventeen years…

      Everything is clear. Later means later. Well, at least I have friends, otherwise I would celebrate