Essential Oils for Lovers: How to use aromatherapy to revitalize your sex life. Maggie Tisserand
brain and the immune system. He calls this study ‘psycho-neuro-immunology’. We know, for instance, that people can truly die of a broken heart – such is the power of our emotions on our physical being. Surely we must also be able to use this power to maintain a strong and healthy body.
Aromatherapy can also bring about a peaceful state of mind, which in itself can bring harmony to a relationship. Many Eastern texts, when referring to meditation, stress the importance of deep breathing. They say that the mind follows the breath. Within our polluted environment we tend to be shallow breathers. When experiencing a delightful aromatherapy massage or when soaking in a deliciously fragrant bath, we automatically take deeper breaths to savour the beauty of the scents around us.
In this book I have tried to present practical tips and recipes and alternative methods of treating sexual problems as well as offering a brief history of the erotic use of aromatics since ancient times. I have also discussed the theory that inside every woman there exist attributes of several goddesses. Aphrodite, being the goddess of love and sensuality, is the one this book is most interested in revealing. By letting go of fears and preconditioning, and using essential oils with imagination and confidence, every woman can allow this part of herself to emerge and flourish.
‘Sex puts a sparkle in the eye, a glow to the cheeks and makes the world seem like a better place.’
MANTAK CHIA, Taoist Secrets of Love
Few of us would argue with this sentiment, yet it’s easy to let the pressures and problems of modern living dampen our desire, making us ‘not in the mood’, preferring the television to a night of love-making.
We have become too used to obtaining objects of desire – cars, holidays, fitted kitchens – merely by signing an ‘easy credit’ contract. This habit of ‘instant gratification’ can influence the way we view our sexual needs. We may believe what we see in films and read in the press, magazines and books: that sex – any kind of sex – is the answer. One-night stands, extra-marital affairs, or simply choosing partners for their sexy image are all seen as ways of fulfilling our need for intimacy. But are they really?
HOLISTIC SEX
Many of us recognize holistic medicine as a safe and effective system that takes an overview of the whole person – his or her lifestyle, diet and mental outlook as well as medical and hereditary history and total symptom picture. In the same way, holistic sex brings together every aspect of sexual union: the physical, mental and emotional. The sex therapist and author Barbara de Angelis writes, ‘The sexual act is so powerful because it is the closest we ever come to uniting with another human being. If that physical union is not balanced and matched by emotional closeness, the same act that can be so full of joy becomes one that leaves [us] feeling isolated, lonely and unfulfilled.’ The psychologist Erich Fromm puts it this way:
‘Sex [without love] becomes a desperate attempt to escape the anxiety engendered by separateness, and it results in an ever-increasing sense of separateness, since the sexual act without love never bridges the gap between two human beings, except momentarily.’
Figure 1: Triangle of love.
Holistic sex is the mix of all three types of loving, so that we love and want our partners on a physical, mental and emotional level. Or, to put it another way, we lust after their body, thinking about them turns us on, and we bond with them emotionally. We love their mind, body and spirit with our mind, body and spirit:
‘When their bodies merge into each other, desire can turn into joy, and physical lust and its gratification can become an expression of unconditional devotion which pervades mind, body and spirit.’
ERICH FROMM, The Art of Loving
Physical, mental and emotional – this is the ideal sexual mix, and within the mix are all the ingredients for a lasting and happy relationship. Holistic sex is as valid to our emotional health and happiness as holistic medicine is to our physical and mental health. And aromatherapy has its part to play in this mix. Beautiful aromas act on all three aspects of our being, and can be used in obvious and more subtle ways.
INNER SEX
In the 1970s an American called Timothy Gallway wrote a fascinating book called The Inner Game of Tennis. His hypothesis was that to be centered and ‘in the now’ puts us in contact with a higher power that knows instinctively what to do. Although written for tennis players, the basic message can be adopted by lovers – something inside you knows how to love, and the love is always there, irrespective of whether you currently have a partner. When you fall in love with someone the feelings of love do not come from the other person but from within you.
Erich Fromm writes, ‘Respect for one’s own integrity and uniqueness, love for and understanding of one’s own self, cannot be separated from respect and love and understanding for another individual.’ He understood that we need first to love ourselves before we can truly love another, because in order to give we must feel we are rich enough in love to be generous with our love. If you are tired or depressed you cannot give. You need to take care of yourself first, utilizing the essential oils that will cleanse, uplift, heal and energize your body and emotions. Only when your cup is full can it overflow to others.
‘The inner smile is the recipe for living in simple harmony with yourself and others. The inner smile is the smile of total happiness. This is not the social smile. This smile rises from the cells and organs of the body’
MANTAK CHIA, Taoist Secrets of Love
WHAT IS AROMATHERAPY?
Aromatherapy uses the essential oils of plants to heal and beautify the body. Connected to herbal medicine but having its own separate identity, aromatherapy takes aromatic plant material such as basil or lavender and distils its essence, then uses this essence in numerous beneficial ways.
Imagine how, thousands of years ago, humans watched wild horses running free across the plains and marvelled at their beauty and awe-inspiring speed. If someone were lucky enough to catch one by surprise, he would experience the speed, power and majesty of riding, but as soon as he dismounted the horse would be gone. Then one day humans invented rope and made a lasso. They began to catch these wild, free animals, taming them and harnessing their power.
Imagine how, thousands of years ago, humans beheld the glory of the aromatic plant kingdom, rejoicing in the scent of the rose, for example. Yet people could not capture its exquisite fragrance. Then, one day, distillation was invented and the fragrance of the rose was captured forever more, to be enjoyed at any time of the day or night – any month of the year. Distillation is the rope that lassos the aromas of flowers and plants, so that their power is harnessed for our purposes.
However, aromatherapy is far more than just the experience of a pleasant aroma; it is not by chance that ‘therapy’ is part of the word. For here, in using essential oils from plants, we have at our disposal many choices: we have fragrances that can lift our emotions – transporting us from depression to happiness; healing essences that work with our bodies to combat illness and disease; and aromas that can provide us with untold sensual pleasures.
ESSENCES AND THE EMOTIONS
How we cope in times of stress can greatly influence our general health. Our ability to ‘weather the storm’ makes all the difference between drowning in a sea of overwhelming emotion or calmly sailing through the troughs and peaks of life. At times of trouble aromatherapy can help. Just a few drops of clary sage oil on a room fragrancer or added to the bath will soon restore mental clarity and bring a clear perspective.
Illness often causes depression as it interrupts the flow of what