Laid in Chelsea: My Life Uncovered. Ollie Locke
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This book is dedicated to each and every incredible girl and guy included in this book who has changed and shaped my life and made me the person I am today.
Also to the city of London, my ultimate inspiration and the setting that housed so many of these relationships.
Dedication
4. No Pubes and a Soggy Biscuit
6. Coner Boner and the Photo of Doom
9. The Sex Door into Cambridge
11. Inbetween a Heartbreak and the Cotswolds
13. Rachel Stevens and Mopping Up Vomit (Not Hers)
17. The Email that Changed Everything
21. Hattie, TOWIE and a Triathlon
22. The Long Johns and Dutch Courage
My wonderful and beautiful family: Mum, Dad, Amelia and James, and the memory of a beautiful grandmother who, thank God, will never read this book. You are all my rock through everything, always.
Sarah Dillistone, and everyone involved in Made in Chelsea, for making everything possible and for changing my life.
My Cheska, Binky and Richard, and the rest of the cast, for sharing an unbelievable experience together.
My beautiful agents at Curtis Brown, Richard Gibb and Felicity Blunt, who save my life wherever I am in the world. Also, Jacquie, Jon, Gordon, Hannah, Becky and Fran for all being superstars.
My fabulous and beautiful editor Anna Valentine, who has the job of taking out all the REALLY naughty, unpublishable stories, and to everyone at HarperCollins who has made this book possible.
My best friends and one day best men at my wedding, Louis, Alex, Oscar and Richard, who have each made the last 26 years very amusing.
My wonderful Pink Palace urban family, Emily, Sam and George, for the wine, the parties, the shoulder. You are the three people I know will always be there.
Jordan, for everything, and for being my truly fabulous Bridget Jones.
Jason Holman, for driving me around the world and giving me all the relationship advice I need. You know everything before anyone else!
Jon and Matt at Insanity for all your help and support.
Luke, Ryan, Jamieson, Rollo and all my closest Chelsea friends who have shared the last seven years of truly wonderful memories after midnight.
It’s early October 2011. I’m sitting in my room surrounded by boxes of cigarettes and empty bottles of wine. It looks like a slum. My three flatmates are all out, and I have never felt so low in my entire life. I’m booked to do an appearance at a nightclub in Bristol tonight but I text saying I have been asked to film for Made in Chelsea so I can’t make it. I have quite honestly cried for 72 hours. Looking in the mirror I think I look like I have lost everything. In some ways I feel that I have. My mum is calling every half an hour and I have hardly eaten in four days. My phone rings from an unknown number and I ignore it.
Two minutes later it rings again … and again. On the fourth time I pick up silently and listen.
‘Your taxi is outside.’
I know I’m due on the T4 sofa in 45 minutes to give an interview about the next series of Made in Chelsea. I have no choice – I have