As Seen On Tv. Sarah Mlynowski
ACCLAIM FOR MILKRUN
“This entertaining debut [offers] both humor and substance…”
—Publishers Weekly
“If Bridget Jones ever found herself at a loose end in Boston, she’d find a great friend in Jackie Norris. A sexy, sassy story of singledom from the skilled pen of Sarah Mlynowski.”
—Bestselling author Carole Matthews
“This Sex and the City-style story is chick-lit for the modern age.”
—Heat
“Milkrun by Sarah Mlynowski is funny, touching, sassy, and bright.”
—Anthology magazine
ACCLAIM FOR FISHBOWL
“Mlynowski [creates] fully dimensional characters and a terrific story.”
—Booklist
“…Mlynowski is out for a rollicking good time from the start.”
—Arizona Republic
“Fishbowl is…an original and very funny celebration of friendship between women.”
—Waldenbooks, Best of 2002 Women’s Fiction
“Undemandingly perfect.”
—Jewish Chronicle
“A fresh and witty take on real-life exams in love, lust, trust and friendship.”
—Bestselling author Jessica Adams
Twentysomething Sarah Mlynowski was born in Montreal, Canada. After receiving an honors degree in English literature from McGill University, Sarah moved to Toronto to work for a romance publisher. Unfortunately, she never met Fabio. But she did write Milkrun, which has since been published in sixteen countries. Sarah is currently a full-time novelist, and As Seen on TV is her third novel.
If you’d like to say hello, visit her Web site at www.sarahmlynowski.com.
As Seen on TV
Sarah Mlynowski
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Loads and loads of thanks to:
The ever-reliable and always-encouraging publishing people: my editor, Sam Bell; my agent, Laura Dail; and the RDI team (Laura, Tara, Margie, Margaret, Pam and Tania).
My truly incredible mom, Elissa Ambrose, and friends Robin Glube, Bonnie Altro, Jessica Braun, Lynda Curnyn and Ronit Avni, who edited, plotted and listened to my whining.
My dad, for being wonderful and nothing like the dad in this book; my sister, Aviva, for making me laugh; and my soon-to-be in-laws, the Swidlers, for continuing to pretend that they’re not embarrassed by my subject matter.
Daniel Laikind and Jessica Davidman, for sharing their reality TV insights and experiences.
Corinne Gelman, for her please-tell-me-he-doesn’t-do-that Bilerman stories; Mark Boidman, for his “expert” legalese; and Jay Takefman, so he’ll stop bugging me to put his name in a book.
Pripstein’s Camp, for my sweetest summer memories, and for appointing me color captain, not once but twice.
For Todd
Contents
part 1
Job Listing
1Moonlighting
2Sex and the City
3Wonder Woman
4Six Feet Under
5The Wonder Years
part 2
Party Girls Application Form
6My So-Called Life
7Friends
8Transformers
9A Different World
part 3
Party Girls Reality Show
10Night Calls
11Leave It to Beaver
12Twilight Zone
13Growings Pains
14Who’s The Boss?
15V.I.P.
16Bewitched
part 4
Party Girls Reality Show
17The Yong and the Restless
18The Sopranos
part 5
Party Girls Reality Show
19Mad About You
20Mission: Impossible
21Jeopardy
22Spin City
23Just Shoot Me
part 6
Party Girls Reality Show
24In the Heat of the Night
25Cheers
Epilogue
Job Listing
NYC—Assistant Manager, New Business Development
Soda Star, America’s leading beverage company, seeks candidates for its growing New Business Development department.
Candidates should have bubbly personality, positive outlook on life (glass is always half-full!), free-flowing ideas, excellent contacts. Sparkling written, communication and organizational skills. A drop of administrative work required. An all-you-can-drink opportunity!
If you have Star potential, please e-mail your resume as a Word document ONLY to hr@workforcheap&beourbitch.com.
1
Moonlighting
“Why are you calling?” the HR woman asks me, panic-stricken, as if recess is over and she hasn’t finished her Fruit Roll-up. “Didn’t the ad say not to phone?”
“Yes, I understand that, thank you, but I’ll only be in New York for a few days. I would really like to set up an interview.” I need a new job. I attempt to shield myself behind the pay phone’s plastic divider, since this is the only nicotine-friendly cafeteria on the block and anyone from the office could easily sneak in for a smoke.
The smell of this stale smoke combined with the plates of shepherd’s pie lined up on the counter make me wish long-distance calls from my cell phone didn’t make me sound as though I’m calling from Zimbabwe. I also wish I knew how to make a calling-card call from my office without getting the IT department.
“Once the hundreds of resumes we’ve received for the Assistant Manager, New Business Development position are reviewed,” the HR woman says, “the managing director will choose the candidates to be interviewed. If you’re one of the fortunate ones selected, I assure you, you’ll be called.”
Obviously the first thing this woman does when she gets home is kick her dog. “Thank you very much for your time,” I say.
I redial Soda Star’s number.
“Florida Telephone Systems.” Brrring.
I dial my calling-card number.
“Soda Star, the shining light in beverages,” the receptionist