Conversations with the Psychologist. Veronica Semenova
Age Crisis In Men
A midlife crisis in men often involves a rebellion against imposed rules. Men in this state are actively engaged in finding the answer to the question, “How do I find myself in life?” And this brings to the surface the old teenage complexes where “I want” replaces “I should.”
A middle-aged man reassesses his own life through the prism of missed opportunities. Looking over and rethinking his life values, he tries to find himself, but often follows a false path which leads nowhere. The conversations of men acquire a somewhat doomed and philosophical nature where life appears transient and short-lived and the end feels too near.
During this period, there is a reassessment of life values as well as career goals. Having achieved the desired social role, a certain status, and financial well-being, men undertake an “inventory” of values as well as their achievements, as financial wellbeing no longer gives a sense of stability and reliability.
Often, men start worrying about their health at this stage. They begin medical checkups, exercising, and dieting. This is caused by the fear of death and old age. Some may feel depressed or overly anxious, suffering from insomnia and mood changes that occur several times a day. For many middle-aged men, a moment of truth comes when, looking in the mirror, they discover they have a belly, wrinkles, or grey or thinning hair. These discoveries bring sadness and despair.
Midlife Crisis In Women
Midlife crisis is a definition not only applicable to men, as was previously believed. Women also face a phase of reassessment of their life experiences that can cause pain and a sense of emptiness. These lead to the feeling that many opportunities have been lost; that the best years have past; and that the future looks gloomy.
Many women regret that they sacrificed their careers to rise a family or, alternatively, that family life was sacrificed to make a career if the woman did not become a mother.
Often, a woman is saddened by her reflection in the mirror. Grey hair, extra weight, wrinkles, cellulite, and other numerous changes associated with ageing are experienced with much more pain than they are in men.
What Can Be Done?
Crisis is not the end of the world, but a reassessment of values. It is important for the people close to the “person in crisis” to understand this, and support a person who is transitioning to a new life stage.
Do not try to rush a person through this natural process. It will be helpful to remind the person of his achievements and to let him feel how important and needed he is. It is important for couples to re-evaluate their values in the relationship together, discussing how to bring diversity into their lives.
The person in a midlife crisis needs to be realistic and not exaggerate existing problems, but should also not deny them. Try not to cultivate a longing for years past, but rather, look for the right direction and don’t get stuck in your reflections.
It is important to nurture your love for yourself, find an occupation to your liking, and praise yourself for all of your achievements. Do not become isolated, and take care of your health and looks.
It is important to remember that age does not influence the quality of life. Do not look for evidence of your past irresistibility, but rather, devote yourself to working on your body and appearance – exercise, diet, and a healthy lifestyle. Women may find it helpful to change their hair style and update the clothes in their wardrobe.
Your youth can be significantly extended by devoting a little more time to taking care of yourself. Cheerful, active, energetic people look much younger and more attractive than those who are lazy, pessimistic, and gloomy.
Try to honestly and objectively answer this question: is everything really so bad in your life? Are you really ready to leave this job, or your husband/wife? Undoubtedly, there are moments that you can be proud of in your profession and in your life together. Perhaps you can try to change your attitude towards your work and your routine, or talk with your spouse, first, before destroying a well-established life.
After the end of the crisis, the person’s self-pity will disappear. He/she will reconsider social roles at work, in the family, and with friends, and will have completed a deep reassessment of values to achieve emotional stability, maturity, and a conscious acceptance of life.
Good luck!
Mistakes: How To Move On
Question: “I recently read that we need to be grateful not only for the wins in our lives, but also for the failures and mistakes. What a strange feeling… How can one be grateful when there is nothing to be grateful for?”
We all make mistakes. But, we do not like to remember them. We feel ashamed and bitter as we think about how mistakes hurt our self-esteem (“How stupid and naive I acted! I was such a fool!”)
And we either try to bury the negative experience deep inside, or create the excuse that the circumstances of the situation or actions of other people were beyond our control. The other tactic is to constantly blame ourselves for feeling disappointed and upset.
I do not belong to the group of people that will advise you to forget your mistakes or concentrate on living in the “here and now,” as I do not believe this is the right strategy for working through a negative experience to extract a useful lesson from it.
The past gives us indispensable and very valuable experiences, from which we learn to make rational decisions. We learn from our mistakes, and therefore, forgetting them is not a correct path of action.
Our mistakes remind us of the actions that led to failure, which we should not repeat in the future. They also demonstrate what beliefs and thoughts we need to restructure. If that internal work does not happen, we’ll continue to operate in a vicious circle of bad luck, repeating old mistakes again and again.
In order to turn the bitterness of a mistake into the joy of the lesson, we need to:
– recognize that mistakes are an integral part of every person’s life and that no one is immune from them
– take responsibility for mistakes and faulty beliefs. Admit to yourself that, in all honesty, you were wrong, and analyze what actions or beliefs led to this unfortunate outcome
– distinguish small errors from serious mistakes. We often overestimate the significance of small things and underestimate the real dangers. You do not have to reproach yourself over little things, especially if your mistake caused no harm, but it’s important to seriously evaluate mistakes that have caused major problems in life
– reason logically and reasonably. When the situation which once led to a mistake repeats itself, analyze your next steps. Ask yourself how you could act differently, and how you could avoid the expected negative outcome.
– do not naively assume that the mistake will not happen again just because the participants in the situation are different. The mistake was yours, and therefore, you need to change your behavior or belief
– find support from people who are able to help you understand the situation where you made a mistake or suffered from a faulty belief. This can be your loved ones or friends whom you trust, or a professional psychologist.
Good luck!
Learning To Think Positively
Question: “Recently, everyone is talking about the need to think positively… But how can this be achieved? It’s not as if everyone is born an optimist. How can one learn