Faces of Grief. Overcoming the Pain of Loss. Veronica Semenova
God, you/others are still alive. It could have been worse.
10. You still got your other kids/spouse/other parent.
11. Don’t cry… it will not change what happened, and will only upset you.
12. This, too, will pass.
13. He lived a full life.
14. God never gives you more than you can handle.
15. You need to get on with your life.
16. You are strong, you can handle this.
17. You must be strong for the kids/for others.
18. You will get over it in time.
19. Time heals all wounds.
20. In a year everything will be ok.
21. You’ll be fine, just give it some time.
22. You are young, you could always have more children.
23. You need to be a man in the house now/you need to take over his/her duties now.
All of the above phrases are not helpful, can cause further pain and demonstrate to the person that the feelings of grief he/she experiences are not valid, should not be expressed or felt. Instead of saying these, please consider helping the grieving person by offering support from the examples listed below.
How to Help a Grieving Person
«You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.»
When you find yourself next to a grieving person, do not be afraid. The death of a loved one is a natural event in life, and can happen to any of us. There are some basic rules on what to do and say. As we discussed, many of them will depend on the stage of grief a person is going through and the type of loss experienced. Here are some common tips on what to do or say to help someone in grief.
Be present
Just be there. Give the grieving person a hug or a kiss, hold their hand, and offer them a shoulder to cry on. Say «I’m sorry», «I am here for you», «I care». Even if you don’t know what to say, your presence provides comfort, and so is helpful.
Acknowledge the loss in an honest way
Do not avoid the words «died» or «killed», and do not substitute them for euphemisms like «passed away». Say «I heard that your father died. I am so sorry for your loss».
Make your presence felt by offering practical help
Do not say «Call me if there is anything I can do». Instead, say «I’m going shopping. I can bring you bread, milk, or fruits. Is there anything else you need from the store?» Volunteer to take the children to school or take care of them at your house. Come and make lunch, or help with laundry and water plants. Make your presence felt.
Make tea or coffee, sit down with the grieving person, and listen
Let the grieving person talk when they are ready. Don’t ask how they feel and don’t tell them how they should feel or what they should do. Instead, say: «Would you like to talk?», or just listen. This is what is needed most at this moment: quiet support.
Don’t say or pretend that you know how they feel
The truth is, you don’t. Comparing losses and tragedies is never helpful. Don’t pity the grieving person, but do express sympathy. Being next to the grieving person can make us feel helpless and awkward. It is better if you are honest and say: «I am not sure what to say to you or how to help you, but I want you to know I care. I am so sorry for your loss».
Often, the grieving person will ask: “Why?”
This is not a question, but an expression of pain. You can’t answer that either, so simply reply: «I don’t know».
Do not use formulated statements
Statements like “It’s all in God’s hands” or “It is God’s will” or “You will be alright soon” are not helpful. They can’t console, they sound fake, and they can be alienating. Better say nothing or offer a hug instead.
There is no schedule for grieving
There is no timeframe of how long the mourning and grieving will take. Be patient. Stand by the grieving person. Be there to listen to them. Share fond memories of the deceased. Most grieving people will find relief by talking about the deceased, and they love to hear stories about their lost one. Do not try to change the subject, but encourage these conversations. They are truly healing.
Respect all feelings the grieving person expresses
Encourage them to cry or vent out anger. Never say «You shouldn’t feel like that». Feelings are neither right nor wrong: they need to be respected, expressed, and acknowledged.
Remember: a grieving person may have low self-esteem and may blame themselves
This blame may apply for events leading to the death or for their relationship with the deceased. Encourage them to discuss this.
Help the grieving person take good care of themselves
Cook and eat together, go for walks, and encourage exercise. Rest, diet, and exercise are critical to restoring physical and mental well-being.
Do not offer tranquilizers or sleeping aids without a doctor’s advice
Much like alcohol and drugs, they may offer temporary relief, but will usually only hinder the healing process.
Chapter three. Stages of Grief
«Every one can master a grief but he that has it.»
Stages of grieving, as suggested by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, are known to many as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In 1970, Bowlby and Parker suggested that the stages of grieving should be described as numbness, pining, disorganization, and reorganization. Whichever model of separating the stages is examined, it is important to know that the duration and intensity of each stage may vary greatly, that stages can overlap or occur together, and that a grieving individual can miss one or more stages altogether.
It is also not unusual for someone to go back and forth between the stages as important pieces of information about the nature or causes of death, milestone birthdays, anniversaries, and events in the family can newly aggravate grief symptoms and re-launch a grief stage from the past. Getting stuck in a stage or a major variation in the process may be considered pathological and would require a call for action, such as consulting a therapist for help.
Stage 1 – Denial
Loss is always a shock, so the first reaction that follows the death of a loved one is denial of the fact that the loss has occurred. The loss seems unreal. The griever thinks he could turn back time, wake up, and everything will be as it was before the loss. It seems impossible that the person loved and lost could be no more. You know you sound irrational, but you still believe things could go back to how they were before, and that what you lost will return. It may be a way for your brain to shut down in an effort to self-preserve and block the first wave of pain. Thoughts like “He has not died”, “She will be back”, or “He could not have left me” are common in this stage.
Denial is also associated with isolation, where the grieving person will insist on being left alone and will require time to process