Kevin Kramer Starts on Monday. Debbie Graber
“Kevin Kramer Starts on Monday offers satirical fiction that causes you to howl with laughter at the same moment its sharply exposed horrors cut into you. Debbie Graber’s stories capture the absurdities of the 21st century corporate workplace in which white-collar millennials find their inboxes always brimming with new incentives for betrayal and self-betrayal. Neither the powerless nor the powerful outrun their demons in these brilliantly funny and bruising tales of American ‘enterprise.’”
KEVIN McILVOY,
AUTHOR OF THE COMPLETE HISTORY OF NEW MEXICO
“Evoking Mike Judge, George Saunders, and Cate Dicharry in capturing the humor and dark panic in today’s workplace, Graber’s cast of corporate charlatans, doomed dreamers, and deluded strivers are brilliant and wholly original.”
J. RYAN STRADAL,
AUTHOR OF KITCHENS OF THE GREAT MIDWEST
“Debbie Graber’s stories are crisp, sardonic, and funny—as antic and acerbic as they are intelligent and alert. A sly and incisive observer of human nature, Debbie Graber will win you over with this delightful debut.”
SARA LEVINE,
AUTHOR OF TREASURE ISLAND III
“Kevin Kramer Starts on Monday skewers that place where so many of us spend our days and about which we spend the other hours of our lives complaining: the modern workplace. In this bitingly funny, precisely crafted collection, Debbie Graber takes on office excess: happy hours, overtime, trysts, and petty grievances. In doing so, she questions our societal notions of success and failure and invites us to laugh at our bosses and coworkers and, perhaps most of all, ourselves—knowing that if we don’t laugh, we just might cry. Kevin Kramer Starts on Monday is satire at its most incisive.”
LORI OSTLUND,
AUTHOR OF AFTER THE PARADE
The Unnamed Press
P.O. Box 411272
Los Angeles, CA 90041
Published in North America by The Unnamed Press.
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Copyright © 2016 by Debbie Graber
ISBN: 978-1-939419-89-7
Library of Congress Control Number: 2016936262
This book is distributed by Publishers Group West
Designed & typeset by Jaya Nicely
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are wholly fictional or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. Permissions inquiries may be directed to [email protected].
Contents
Gregg Fisher’s Pontiac Vibe
Northanger Abbey
New Directions
Winners and Losers
What Do You Think Is Wrong with You?
Back to Me
The Old Gang
Kevin Kramer Starts on Monday
An Invitation
Onset
Him
Sofia Coppola Is My Favorite
That Which Is Inevitable
for patrick
SOMEONE SAID THAT GREGG FISHER’S PONTIAC Vibe was the filthiest car they had ever seen.
Someone else said they noticed Gregg Fisher’s Pontiac Vibe in the employee parking lot during a rainstorm, and that rivers of filth flowed down the car’s roof. The filth created fluid designs on the hood and hatchback, designs that resembled spiderwebs, or paint drizzles like a Jackson Pollock painting. That person had recently seen the Pollock exhibit at LACMA.
Someone said the water designs on the hood of Gregg Fisher’s Pontiac Vibe, when pictured out of context, could be considered beautiful. Someone else said that in context, the water designs were just putrid rivulets streaming down the roof of Gregg Fisher’s Pontiac Vibe, so no one should ever think of them as artistic. Most people agreed.
No one can remember the last time that Gregg Fisher’s car looked clean. Someone remembered that Gregg Fisher used to have a different car, a Plymouth Sundance or a Chrysler K-Car, they couldn’t remember which. Someone else remembered that Gregg Fisher drove that car around the parking lot for years, until it started to emit thick, smelly smoke from the tailpipe. No one remembered who complained about the smelly smoke coming out of Gregg Fisher’s tailpipe to HR, but shortly after, Gregg Fisher showed up to work driving the Pontiac Vibe.
No one could remember if the Pontiac Vibe had ever been new. Everyone agreed that it was impossible that anyone except for Gregg Fisher had ever been inside his Pontiac Vibe to smell “new car smell” or not. Whether Gregg Fisher bought his Pontiac Vibe new or used was debatable, and no one would ever ask Gregg Fisher about it. Most people refused to speak to Gregg Fisher out of principle.
No one can remember the last time Gregg Fisher cut his ponytail. Someone thought that it might have been in 1998, just after he started working at the company. Others swore that he’s never been without his ponytail, that Gregg Fisher’s ponytail is as much his trademark as is his Pontiac Vibe.
Gregg Fisher’s ponytail is rough like a horse’s tail. It is sprinkled with frizzled gray hairs. Someone remembered that Gregg Fisher’s ponytail used to be thicker, but that, as the years passed, it had become scrawny. Someone else remarked that Gregg Fisher probably had to start using smaller scrunchies to get his thinning hair into a ponytail at all, but that Gregg Fisher would never shell out two dollars for a new set of scrunchies. Everyone agreed on that. No one looked too closely at Gregg Fisher’s ponytail anyways. It grossed people out.
Another Gregg Fisher trademark was his commuter mug. Gregg Fisher brought his commuter mug to work with him every day. Someone once had the misfortune of sitting next to Gregg Fisher during a morning shareholder meeting, and witnessed the commuter mug up close and personal. This person was able to inspect the encrusted ancient stains of various colors along the sides of the mug, and the brackish buildup of muck around the part of the mug where Gregg Fisher put his hairy lip and slurped.
No one wanted to contemplate what kind of concoction Gregg Fisher was drinking out of his commuter mug, but out of a horrified curiosity, people offered suggestions. Someone mentioned aloe vera syrup. Someone else thought it was the leftover dregs of coffee from the coffeepot in the employee break room. Someone else thought it was animal blood, but no one believed that.
No one would ever choose to sit near Gregg Fisher in a morning meeting for fear of having to come into contact with the mug. Someone coined the phrase “typhoid mug” behind Gregg Fisher’s back as a joke, but some people didn’t find it funny. Some people were afraid of catching something if they sat too close to Gregg Fisher and his mug. Someone else said that merely breathing in the same general vicinity as Gregg Fisher, even without his mug, could make one’s immune system weaker and cause medical issues. Someone else said that a software analyst’s baby