If Your Child Is Gay. Steven F Kindle
If Your Child Is Gay
What every parent of a gay child needs to know to insure a positive outcome in an often negative world
2nd Edition
by
Rev. Steve Kindle
EnerPower Press
Gonzalez, FL
2016
Copyright © 2013, 2016 Steven F. Kindle
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. Permissions: mailto:[email protected]
Electronic Edition
ISBN13: 978-1-63199-252-0
ISBN10: 1-63199-224-4
ISBN13: 978-1-63199-224-7
Library of Congress Control Number: 2016935517
EnerPower Press
P. O. Box 841
Gonzalez, FL 32560
energion.com
(EnerPower Press is an imprint of Energion Publications)
Dedication
To Mary Lou Wallner,
and all parents who struggle to find answers
Foreword
This book is intended to introduce parents of gay children to the many findings from the professional psychologists, sociologists and theologians who have given their lives to understand your gay child. It will also be reassuring to adolescent LGBTs and older. It will introduce you to many parents who have gone before you in their quest for understanding and who want to share their wisdom with you. It is packed with helpful advice and places to go for help. It’s a way to begin and a launching pad for further discovery. Should you wish to delve deeper into specific areas, you will be shown where to go.
I am a straight pastor who began my ministry over 40 years ago with the conventional beliefs of the day that saw homosexuality as a psychological deviance and a religious sin. I believed that LGBTs chose this lifestyle and could change if they wanted to. Of course, I was not familiar with the many studies you will be introduced to in this book, or much more importantly, I was not familiar with gays themselves. Over the years, I have gotten to know many hundreds of LGBTs, even into the thousands, heard their stories, helped them work through their fears, and find their way in an often hostile world. Being instrumental in reconciling parents with their gay children is one of my proudest accomplishments and the genesis for this book. I want you and your family to be among the success stories.
Many who read these pages will come with religious convictions, one way or another. The scientific professionals are not the only ones who have been involved in how to understand homosexuality. Biblical scholars have for decades been delving into the Bible, examining everything that relates to these issues. What they have discovered is also a part of this book. The combined efforts of the scientists and biblical scholars can be summed up in the words of Dr. Mel White. “The verdict is in; it is not a sickness, it is not a sin.” So, let’s begin.
Introduction
The “coming out” process for any LGBT person, especially to one’s family, is often a very traumatic experience. What is often overlooked is the trauma visited upon the family, especially on the unsuspecting and now overwhelmed parents.
Mom and dad are very often confronted with a whole new world that they previously knew little or nothing about. Although suspicions of same-sex orientation may have lurked in the background, they are often quickly dismissed; the possibility is too dire to entertain. At least that’s what is often thought.
There are many voices of concern out there urging many different approaches. So, where does a parent begin? To whom or what can a parent turn for help? How can the proper information be separated from the harmful or just plain ignorant? These and other questions will be answered as we move from section to section. I write from the perspective of a straight pastor of over 40 years who has been confronted with just about every situation a parent can experience, including counseling dozens of parents and hundreds of gay children. You may feel that no one else has gone through what you are experiencing right now, but you will soon discover there is much company for you with people who have gone on before.
This book is intended to assist parents who are genuinely trying to understand their gay children. If you are such a parent, the sooner you get involved with your child with understanding and support, the better the outcome will be for all concerned. You don’t have to have all the answers, or any for that matter. All you need to begin is to acknowledge that your child is no different today from the one you brought into the world, that your love is the same and continues, and that nothing can change that. If you truly believe this, the rest of these sections will help you. If you can’t affirm your love for your child, get counseling immediately; studies show that suicides are a greater risk following parental rejection. I don’t tell you this to make you feel worse, it is a fact that you need to know and consider.
Over the next several sections, these are the subjects we will look into. We will take them one at a time.
You are not alone
What is the LGBT(QIA) thing?
Your child is just fine
You are not to blame
Will my son get HIV/AIDS?
What if my child is Transgender? Navigating the intersexual world
The Bible doesn’t condemn your child
Marriage is a good possibility
You still may have grandchildren
The Anti-gay Industry
Great resource for more help and understanding
At the end of almost every section you will find a link to a video or article that will offer further explanations and insights from authorities in the field or people going through similar experiences as yours. Just copy the link and transfer it to your online device.
If you take advantage of the support available to you now, you may never have to face the worst fate for a parent, as explained by Mary Lou Wallner (to whom this book is dedicated) in this 5 minute video.
http://youtu.be/ycbHnPhw8VQ
You Are Not
Alone
That’s right, you are not alone. It may not feel that way at first; you may feel there is no one to talk to, no one to turn to for help, no one you can trust with what you just heard. Perhaps not even your spouse. Yet your mind is racing with questions: Will my child be alright? Will she be safe? Will he lose his job, or friends, or church? Is she going to hell? What can I do? Can she change? Is it my fault? Will I never have the joy of grandchildren?
Know that for these questions to surface, and more, is normal. After all, you are likely entering into a world you are not familiar with, so it feels uncharted, and you are set adrift, but you are not alone.
The very first thing I would encourage you to do is to talk to a knowledgeable person. Get in touch with others who have faced the same situation. Mothers and fathers of gay children are all around you, but because you have not needed to know this, they aren’t on your landscape. See if there is a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter near you. If there is, you will immediately learn that you and your child are in good company where you will meet others who have gone through the same experience and found hope.
If you are reluctant to go to a public meeting, most PFLAG