Hard Cuddles. James Harding

      I dedicate this book to my sister, Elles.

      One of the strongest and most supportive women in my life.

      Foreword

      The famous philosopher Joseph Campbell discovered that in every great story there is a hidden ‘hero’s journey’. It can be found in The Wizard of Oz, Star Wars and The Matrix, just to name a few. It goes like this: the hero starts out in a normal situation and gets shunted out into a world of uncertainty and turmoil. They find a teacher or make friends who point them in the right direction. Ultimately, they slay the proverbial dragon, only to discover that the dragon was inside of them all along. After the victory and the self-realisation, the journey ends with the hero’s triumphant return home to tell the story.

      James ‘The Hammer’ Harding has lived a full life. There is scarcely a stone he hasn’t turned over, scarcely a fear that he hasn’t tackled. He has lived a life full of both dreams and nightmares that we would probably have trouble distinguishing if we were in his shoes. With rules being broken at every turn, this story seems unreal to us readers. Though it may seem like a villain’s journey, you will find a hero in these pages, in this man.

      He has slayed the dragon but only after staring it in the eyes and taming it.

      I have had the pleasure of spending a lot of time with James, initially while he was still driving the sword into the heart of the beast. When we met he had already decided to tame it and stopped believing its ruse, but he was still wrestling with how to finish the job. I am honoured to be his friend, to know his story and, most importantly, to have connected to the man that was born out of it.

      While it may be hard at times to see it through the excesses that are outlined, this is truly a story about all of us but experienced in a way that only this man and few others could survive. If, on your life’s journey, you haven’t broken the rules that the Hammer has broken, here is your chance to live in his world for a few moments and dare to think whether you would’ve dealt with it in the same way—enjoy.

      Equal parts naughty, bodacious and irrepressible, this full circle life story is about one of our true Wizards of Aus. With the balls that ‘The Hammer’ showed in his life it might have taken even more to tell this story.

      Nice work mate! Proud of you and glad to call you my friend.

      Trevor Hendy AM

      INTRODUCTION

      ‘Just a young gun with a quick fuse

      I was uptight, wanna let loose

      I was dreaming of bigger things

      And wanna leave my own life behind

      Not a yes sir, not a follower

      Fit the box, fit the mold

      Have a seat in the foyer, take a number

      I was lightning before the thunder’

      — Thunder, Imagine Dragons

      What’s not to like? Imagine you’re twenty and you roll up to the best night clubs, bars and restaurants in town with your entourage. The queue is four deep and wraps around the corner but you walk past everyone and straight to the front, shaking hands and hugging the door guy and bouncers. You know them all because you looked after them with party favours. You linger out the front long enough so everyone can see you and your crew. Then straight inside, no paying. No need.

      Once you’re inside you’re the rock star that everyone wants to know. It’s all eyes on you. You hit the toilets to freshen up, then it’s dance floor time. Sex, drugs and hardcore techno.

      In the social circle you keep there are convicted criminals, gangsters, hit men, bikies, socialites, politicians, minor celebrities, CEOs, lawyers, high profile AFL administrators, street-level junkies and the mentally unstable. A melting pot of unmitigated chaos; it might mean one night you’re front row at the kickboxing with Michael Kroger and Ann Peacock or in the commission flats at Kensington collecting debt money.

      And women, so many women. A lot of these women I am referring to come from privileged backgrounds, went to excellent schools and grew up in the best areas. It’s like they are drawn to the rough life—the bad boys—they found the whole scene intoxicating. Fair enough too, the best hotels and high-end cocaine all for the taking, it would be hard to say no. These women were fantastic but instantly replaceable. Most of them knew this but came along for the ride anyway.

      What I can say is that life was never dull, there was always action. Not for the faint-hearted, this style of living, because it can all change in an instant. Momentum can shift very quickly. I found myself at rock bottom and I mean rock bottom.

      You see, I have always been an addict. There are no half measures with me, it’s full bore or not at all. This when mental illness and things like addiction were not really understood. So I didn’t have much of an idea of why I couldn’t pump the brakes. Believe me, there were times I would have liked to. I heard Ben Cousins’ counsellor describe addiction as an out of control train with an inability to stop. You deal with it on a day-to-day basis. You might wake up with the best intentions. You promised yourself this was the last time, this was it, no more, you have had your fill, it would be madness to continue, you’re going to sort your life out once and for all, enough of this carry on, you’re a grown man, an adult, you can beat this. Then that little devil on your shoulder will whisper sweet nothings like, ‘Hey pal, you know what? You have been really good for the last forty-five minutes, how about we celebrate?’ The good voice will be defiant: ‘No, no, no, you’re on a roll here’. But that seductive devil always packages his idea so provocatively, the rotten motherfucker. ‘Hey champ, you can always quit tomorrow, The Lobster has an ounce of the killer gear, pure. Imagine that first line, the chemical taste dripping down the back of your neck from your nasal passage, drip, drip, then the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, sounds good, eh?’ I start fantasising about it, my stomach turns into a washing machine full of butterflies at the thought of getting on, it’s too much to bear. Next thing I know I’ve rung The Lobster and somehow I’m driving to his house on autopilot. Fuck. I want to turn the car around but I have no control over it.

      It is soul destroying, being controlled like that, knowing you don’t have the willpower to defeat a substance, even if you wanted to. You fool yourself that you can quit when you want to, but deep down you know damn well it has you by the balls. When you get on, you have fleeting moments of clarity; you might be able to transport yourself to a happy moment from the past. For me it was always my childhood, I would go to happier days at the beach or on holidays up north, always with my family. I would be overwhelmed with the happiness I had experienced a long time ago. Then as close as it was, it would wear off and the dark abyss would engulf my being like a pack of hyenas. More, I would need more, anything to keep that feeling at bay, even for another sliver of time.

      There are thousands of stories like mine: a middle-class kid from a respectable family who starts experimenting with drugs, gets in way over his head and falls through the cracks. But this story is different. This story is about how the kid claws his way back out.

      BEING DIFFERENT

      ‘To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.’

      — Oscar Wilde

      It has always been obvious to me that I am different to most other people I have met. It’s like I am drinking water from a completely different well. As a young bloke it was a lot harder—I did cop it a bit for being different. Not enough for me to change though, I wasn’t interested in fitting in.

      I was only interested in learning subjects I had considered important. To this day I still can’t do basic mathematics or read a clock, it’s never interested me. But if I need to work something out mathematically for a business deal or anything to do with fishing, I don’t have a problem.

      No matter how much emphasis parents and teachers put on doing well at school, it didn’t have any importance for me. Being a solid human and trying to