The Waitress of Life. Victoria Morris
The Waitress of Life
Open on 5 tables, set stage left- a minimalist diner the tables have people seated at them, a diner waitress with a pad and pencil comes on stage left- The tables continue to be silently in action while our focus is on the waitress at other tables. All the people at the have menus.
Table 1 (Young Man, and Young Woman)– an obviously in love couple – making kisses at each other, holding hands- starring into each other’s eyes.
Tale 2 (Single woman) – high maintenance type
Table 3 (Mom, Dad and Child) – Loving family just regular family back and forth
Table 4 (Mature Man , Mature Woman) Snipping at each other
Table 5 (3 teenage boys) – Snickering and laughing
(Lighting should be a general wash on where the tables are which you can brighten during their speeches. Tables who are not the focus are still carrying on in quiet action.)
Waitress: (Walking over to table 1) Do you need a minute?
Young Man: (Young Man and young woman look at each other smile)No, I think we’re ready – aren’t we pumpkin?
Young woman: I am so ready pooky bear.
Young Man: (simultaneously) We’ll take Catholic
Young Woman : (simultaneously) We’ll take Protestant
Young Man : You’re Protestant?
Young woman: Catholic?
Waitress: Right I’ll give you a minute
(the couple continue to fight in the background through the rest of the skit)
Single Woman: (trying to attract the attention of the waitress) Miss? Excuse me Miss?
Waitress: Yes ma’am ?
Single Woman: Please not Ma’am, am I really that old?
Waitress: Sorry about that Miss, how can I help you?
Single Woman: Yes, Well I was thinking of having just Jesus, but I’m wondering if you could hold the Miracles and Satan. I would be willing to keep the prophets, but on the side?
Waitress: Sorry all the a ‘la carte items come as is, no substitutions- perhaps there’s a special that interests you?
Single Woman: Well I really like the re-incarnation, but I do not want any caste system- and that God with all the arms is just not my cup of tea, although Nirvana does sound peaceful…
Waitress: Why don’t I give you a minute?
(Waitress Going to table 1- who improvise some sort of fight – or the following fight scene)
Young Woman: DO you really believe the Apocrypha belong as part of the inspired writings in the bible- Jesus and the Apostles quote from every major old testament book – except those 7?
Young Man: You cannot be saved by faith alone – You need to do good works.
Young Woman: Purgatory, smugatory.
Young Man: We need the sacraments and Holy traditions in order to get into heaven.
Young Woman: Do you really believe the guy in the pointy hat is infallible – after the whole inquisition mess? Only God can speak for God.
(Waitress shakes her head and goes to table 5)
Teenager 1: Vestal Virgin (snicker- laugh)
Teenager 2: Aphrodite- Goddess of Virgins and Love (snicker- laugh)
Teenager 3: Bacchus – god of Wine (snicker- laugh)
Teenager 1: Hercules
(all Teenage boys)
(singing theme song) – Hercules Winner of ancient glory, Hercules Hero of ancient Stories, with fire in his eyes, iron in his thighs with the strength of ten ordinary men at the side of Hercules! Da da da dum
(Waitress shakes her head and goes to table 3)
Waitress: Are you ready?
Dad: (joking) Isn’t there a special that includes more than one wife?
Mom: I think if you have that much extra energy, we can see about increasing your chores around the house (laughs- Dad pretends to be crest fallen)
Child: I want to be a wiccan!
Mom: You are not becoming a pagan! You’re grandmother would have a heart attack. Besides I can’t see you (reading from menu) dancing naked around a campfire on the full moon in during the winter…
Child: Yuck!
Dad: I like the Sound of Valhalla…
Child: Yeah, I wanna be a warrior (princess)!
Dad: Your Mom would make a cute Valkhari…
Mom: OK, I/You might be the most amazing Zena Warrior Princess ever, but I am not Worshipping “Loki the Trickster” as a god. I want something in a monotheism- How about something more contemporary?
Dad: Muslim?
Mom: Does this Burkha make me look fat?
Child:1 billion people can’t be wrong.
Mom: This is not a majority rules thing, besides I wanted something more Jesus centric, as opposed to one where he is a minor prophet.
Dad: How about Shakers- I love that Furniture—
Mom: Humm, from many wives to sleeping in separate houses…
Dad: OK, I need to read the fine print a bit better…(hunkers behind his menu smiling)
Mom: Besides, any child of ours is going to get a good education and go to college. How about Mennonite?
Dad: Pacifist? Me? With my temper?
Mom: Alright what about Anglican?
Dad: Do I really see the Prince Harry as the future head of my church?
Mom: And a man who wears dresses and a funny hat and drives around in a pope-mobile is a better choice?
Dad: Maybe give us a minute?
Waitress: Sure.
(Waitress shakes her head and goes to table 5)
Teenager 1: We’re made of corn. (snicker- laugh)
Teenager 2: The god Chak cracked open the back of the cosmic turtle with a lightning stone. (snicker- laugh)
Teenager 3: Fertility rites. (snicker- laugh)
Teenager 1: ewhhh Egyptians Married their sisters-
(all Teenage boys): GROSS!!!!
Waitress: (going to table 4) How are you folks this evening?