What every girl should know. Jan van Elfen
What every girl should know
Dr. Jan van Elfen
Tafelberg
Preface
Dr Jan van Elfen has guided countless South African teenagers through their stormy adolescent years and his name has become synonymous with becoming, and being, a teenager.
The need for guidance has increased with the passing of time, as our world becomes more complex and demanding. Young girls and women need his trusted voice more than ever.
Which is why this updated edition of Dr van Elfen’s guide for teenagers is being published now. It contains additional and new facts and advice based on information sourced from the World Health Organisation, the Centre for Applied Legal Studies, the Medical Research Council and Health24.com.
But the essence of Dr van Elfen’s steadying hand remains.
Everything is different
You often feel as though you just don’t know yourself anymore these days. Suddenly, you realise, you look and feel different – as if you’ve become a stranger to yourself.
If you think about it carefully, this change didn’t happen overnight. You’ve gradually become more aware of your appearance and behaviour. Your family also look at you differently now – almost as if they don’t recognise you either, as if you’re something the cat brought in …
And don’t they all just get on your nerves! Take your mother, for example. When she’s not complaining about your hair, she’s moaning about your clothes. Your dad also seems to look at you critically – or is it just your imagination? Then there’s your little brother, who can’t stop teasing you: “I know who’s sending you love letters!”
But the strangest thing is your sudden moodiness. One moment you’re up in the clouds, dreaming of a wonderful future. The next moment you’re down in the dumps, just because someone gave you a funny look.
Sometimes you feel amazingly mature and independent. At other times, you feel so insecure and helpless that you wonder if your parents still love you. And there are days when you’re so clumsy you just wish your mother would take over and help you do your hair.
You used to enjoy school. Now you don’t like doing homework and your thoughts keep wandering when you’re supposed to be paying attention in class. At home you rebel when your mother expects you to help in the kitchen. You’re not a slave!
You’re an odd mixture of enthusiasm and doubt, of joy and misery, of friendliness and grumpiness. You have a good book to read, but you don’t feel like it now and sit aimlessly in front of the computer. You’re always bored. Your thoughts whirl around in your mind and you keep asking yourself: “What kind of person am I? What will I do one day?”
But mostly you think of nothing at all. What is there to think about deeply? The minutes go by, yet time seems to stand still. Sometimes you wonder if you’re not going crazy.
Your mind is playing tricks on you, but your body bothers you even more. You feel heavy and clumsy, as though your body belongs to someone else. Why do you always feel lethargic? In the mornings you find it hard to get up, and when you do, it’s usually on the wrong side of the bed.
At times you’re ashamed about being so bad tempered, especially towards your parents. You know you should be grateful for everything they’ve done for you, but before you can stop yourself, you’re rude to them again.
Alone in your room, you think of the times when Mom used to come in on chilly winter nights to make sure you were warm enough. And you still remember Dad reading you stories when you were small. They’ve always treated you well. You decide to stop being so mean to them, but the next moment you’re sure that it’s not your fault that you feel this way.
Why should you work harder at school? You’ll just be criticised for not coming top of the class. You’re tired of lectures. You didn’t ask to be born and you don’t owe the world anything.
Come to think of it: your parents have changed too. Just look at Mom’s figure! She looks matronly. Not to mention her old-fashioned clothes. And Dad, with his fat stomach – just like all the other men – irritates you to death! Sometimes you’re embarrassed to be seen with them in public.
Speaking of clothes, what’s in your wardrobe? All your clothes are so out of date. You wouldn’t be seen dead in that pink dress you used to like so much. You need new clothes – with labels – after all, you’re no longer a child!
At school you feel the odd one out. You could have died when the teacher made a fool of you in class the other day – and to think how much you’ve always liked him. No one should waste their time asking you to take part in the school concert either. You’d rather die a thousand deaths than be up on the stage in front of a whole lot of people. Everyone would stare at your skinny legs and huge feet.
You don’t even look forward to the bell for break either. You feel left out when the other girls stand around giggling and whispering in groups. Perhaps they’re talking about you, or maybe they’re just discussing boys again. You used to be the centre of attention. No one could beat you at skipping! But you don’t waste your time with such childish things now.
And what’s happened to Sarah? You used to be best friends, sharing your greatest secrets. Now she looks right through you. Perhaps it’s that fancy new house they’ve moved into. Or is it because she’s allowed to stay out until midnight?
Why do you feel trapped like a chrysalis in a cocoon? In some ways, you are like a chrysalis undergoing a metamorphosis – a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. You’ve become a TEENAGER – that strange creature otherwise known as an adolescent.
You’re no longer a child, but not yet an adult. You’ve reached a new phase, a transitional stage, in your life. You’ve long dreamed about and looked forward to these years of change. Now that they’re here, you feel like a mountaineer who is suddenly gripped by vertigo when she’s almost at the peak.
There are many things that scare and confuse you. On the one hand, you’ll get a new identity as a teenager. But adults often don’t understand teenagers and are always criticising them. You also know you have no choice – you have to go through this stage. On the other hand, you’re looking forward to this adventure.
Now that you’re a teenager, signs of physical growth will start to appear one after the other. You will have doubts. Will your body develop normally? Will you eventually have feminine curves in all the right places and in the correct proportions? Will you grow very tall or stay short? Will the ugly duckling ever become a swan? You feel consumed with uncertainty.
Just remember that you are unique. You’re a person in your own right and no one else looks or feels exactly like you. There’s no point in being upset about adolescence. The older you get, the more you’ll enjoy it.
Adolescence is the transition from puberty (the first signs of becoming a woman) to physical and emotional maturity. You should take heart from the fact that your development during this stage is not only physical. You will become more confident as you grow wiser by the day and learn to have more control over your emotions. You’re only young once and adolescence is the pinnacle of youth.
Live life to the full and use every opportunity it offers. For example, take part in sport and other social activities. Join various organisations, because that’s how you’ll meet other people, make new friends and get to know boys.
But always try to be yourself. It’s important to be accepted by your friends, but it is just as important to be an individual. Don’t give up your own identity in order to be popular, or because you don’t want to disappoint your friends.
Your teenage life will be full of new experiences and you’ll often have to make difficult decisions. These decisions may seem even more difficult because of the intense emotions you’ll experience as you mature. Perhaps you’ll feel more relaxed, and will reason and act more sensibly if you have a better understanding of the changes taking place in your body. Let’s talk about them.
Bursting