Dr Eve's Sex Book: A Guide for Young People. Marlene Wasserman
– again! – permanence) need a lot of consideration, and parental reactions must influence your decision.
Impact of body image on sexual expression
See Your sexual script
Feeling fat, overweight, bloated, “fugly”? You may be one of the people who is getting the least action and attention of all your friends. Not because you are any of these things, but because you think you are. The way you feel and think about your body is the most influential factor in your sexuality. The beauty myth, the media, your parents, cultural and religious beliefs, and your own experiences in life all combine to create your self-esteem, including your sexual self-esteem.
Let me tell you, if you hate your hips, lips, breasts, penis or other body parts, there is no way that you are going to crack it in the world of relationships and sexuality.
It is really challenging to feel good about your body right now because of the adolescent physical changes – pimples, sweat, hair and differences in development between you and your friends.
Think of the young women who don’t eat at parties because they fear those calories and getting fat. They spend so much time before a date or party fantasising about the forbidden food that there is no space in their heads for a sexual fantasy. Think of the guys who need to get drunk at these parties. Their fear of not performing shuts down any horniness they may feel. They think they are looking attractive and making an impression on people, but in fact they are going to end up with a limp penis – and vomit all over the pavement. Not very sexy!
It is really challenging to feel good about your body right now because of the adolescent physical changes – pimples, sweat, hair and differences in development between you and your friends.
It is critically important that you weather the body storms now and during the next few years. Adults who end up with sexual difficulties often have a history of poor self-esteem and negative body image from the time of their adolescence. Teenagers who are uncomfortable with their bodies avoid social and possible sexual experiences, much to their detriment. Teens need to be sociable, survive the teasing and test their social and sexual skills in order to develop into healthy adults.
To help you develop a positive body image you will need:
•one full-length mirror;
•good lighting;
•privacy;
•time;
•commitment.
INSTRUCTIONS
I know the mirror is probably your best friend, and so it should be. How exciting to wake up to a new and different-looking you every day! Now I want you to deliberately and intentionally face your mirror a little – or a lot! – once a day. Watch yourself walking and examine your posture. Try out different ways that will make you feel more comfortable with yourself as you enter a room. Do it often enough and you will just glide into a room.
Making choices about your health helps with being a sexier person. It gives you the skills to make healthy sexual choices too.
Look at your body, I mean really look at your nakedness. Don’t just look for the flaws, bumps and lumps and give them a bad name. Look at the beauty of your skin – check for freckles, beauty spots, birthmarks, characteristics – anything that make you special and unique. See how the texture of your skin is different on each part of your body. Examine your nails and notice the different textures and colours of hair. Turn around and see your back; bend down and see your own butt in the mirror. Do this every day and you are sure to become more comfortable and therefore more confident about how your body looks. Avoiding the mirror or treating the image that reflects back at you badly almost surely guarantees you bad sexual play. Do you want to be a bad player? I think not, so be fair to yourself and practise in front of the mirror.
A healthy lifestyle
See SASSI (South African Sports Science Institute), under Resources
Looking attractive and feeling well cannot just be taken for granted. Some of us are born with “attractive” genes and the rest of us have to make sure we look good enough in our “jeans”. It requires effort and mindfulness. It’s about creating a lifestyle that is healthy, fun and interesting. It may be difficult to implement a healthy lifestyle in your family if they are not conscious of a healthy way of living. Perhaps you have a parent who is overweight, or a mother who is constantly on diet, or a parent who calls you “fussy” for choosing health bread over white bread. Embrace a lifestyle where exercise, healthy eating and good sleeping patterns are established. A healthy lifestyle is about making choices. Making choices about your health helps with being a sexier person. It gives you the skills to make healthy sexual choices too. Trust me on this one!
See ‘Mind Over Fatter’, under Resources
Diet
Who just swore? I did! I used the “D” word. It’s a word that engenders fear, terror, promises and anxiety in all of us. You seldom see a glossy magazine that does not offer a new magic diet. The word “diet” sells a dream, a hope that the beauty myth can be yours. What a load of rubbish. I believe that if you are carrying extra weight or too little weight, you need it. The weight, or lack thereof, is ‘protecting’ you from some issue that you are not addressing. That’s why diets generally do not work. They talk to the superficial aspect of weight and bodies. The people who benefit the most from diets are the companies who manufacture, promote and sell them.
Let’s throw out the “D” word, change the language and I am sure you will get far better results in controlling your weight. The word that replaces “diet” is “health”. Yes, boring, but it works. It works by providing you with an early start to ensuring good health as an adult. It works because it makes you feel alive and energetic, and makes you look fresh and glowing.
Healthy eating requires you to be in touch with your own hunger needs. It teaches you to take control of your own food and body.
You are the one who has to decide:
•Am I hungry?
•What does my mind and body feel like eating?
•Do I feel like eating or am I merely bored/lonely/angry/horny/nervous/stressed?
Food should be a delicious sensual experience. It is so closely linked to sexuality that suppressing your food appetite can lead to suppression of your sexual appetite.
When people are on diet they eat what the dietician or weight loss programme prescribes for them. They are told what to eat, how much of it and when to eat. If one does not follow one’s own hunger patterns, you may end up eating the “diet” way and still sneaking in the food you actually crave. Taking a diet pill, or using drugs like dagga or Tik to reduce your appetite is a stupid thing to do – you’ll end up being an addict with an eating disorder.
Food should be a delicious sensual experience. It is so closely linked to sexuality that suppressing your food appetite can lead to suppression of your sexual appetite. Just as you never admit you are hungry, so it could be hard for you to admit your sexual hunger or to know what kind of sexual play your body wants. When you numb your body to hunger, you numb it to sexual hunger too. Building a good, healthy relationship with food will allow you to stay in your body. It is important, the best way to feel and a good place to be when you choose to be sexually active!
Healthy eating habits
•Make sure you have easy access to the foods you enjoy. Binge eating will be avoided this way. More thoughtfulness and choice goes into your eating, rather than just a spontaneous response to hunger.
•Begin your day with a wholesome big breakfast – you have to feed those brain cells.
•Nutritionists recommend snacking every few hours rather than starving the body for hours between meals. Prepare healthy snack food to carry around with you.
•Fruit and vegetables