Band Fags!. Frank Anthony Polito
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Advance Praise for Band Fags!
“For those of us who came of age in the ’80s, reading Frank Anthony Polito’s novel is like being teleported back to high school. Filled with pop culture references that will have you saying, ‘I remember that!,’ this is a love letter to a time when happiness was a pair of Calvin Klein jeans, and every heartbreak could be fixed by listening to your Bonnie Tyler or REO Speedwagon albums. Most important, though, it is a portrait of a friendship between two boys struggling to find themselves without losing each other.”
—Michael Thomas Ford, author of Last Summer
“With the Motor City running on empty in Reagan’s America, Frank Anthony Polito’s characters dance their mystery dance of teenage longing as if Motown never left for California. Sexy, funny, and wiser than it wants to be, Band Fags! pulses with a ragged beauty and bounces to its beat. I give it a 98.6.”
—Thorn Kief Hillsbery, author of What We Do Is Secret
“More than just a novel, Band Fags! is a virtual time machine that transports you smack dab into the cheesy heart of the ’80s. It’s like a queer Wonder Years as it follows Brad’s and Jack’s memorable journey through high school hell. Screamingly funny, surprisingly charming and, ultimately, truly moving, it’s a fresh take on the importance of friendship during the worst/best years of your life.”
—Brian Sloan, author of A Really Nice Prom Mess and Tale of Two Summers
“A consistently hilarious story of the best-friendship we all seem to have had, set in a time we can never seem to forget—the totally awesome ’80s—Band Fags! never misses a beat in its affectionate, moment-by-moment chronicling of the complicated journey we take from cradle to closet to what lies beyond.”
—Matthew Rettenmund, author of Boy Culture
“Band Fags! is like the gay teen flick John Hughes never got around to making. Let’s face it, there’s a Band Fag in all of us and Frank Anthony Polito has his on speed dial. This book is a sweet, funny, deeply felt valentine to the wonder/horror of coming of age in the 1980s. You might just pee your parachute pants.”
—Dennis Hensley, author of Misadventures in the (213) and Screening Party
“These Band Fags march to their own quirky beat in a timeless tale delightfully syncopated against an ’80s soundtrack. This surprisingly tender story of best friends locked in a tug-of-war of self-discovering is booby-trapped with Polito’s pitch-perfect wisecracks and hilarious observations.”
—Steven Sorrentino, author of Luncheonette
“This former 1980s band fag declares Band Fags! totally wicked awesome. With pitch-perfect dialog, and high stepping charm, Polito hilariously shows how not all hearts beat to the rhythm of the same drum major.”
—Josh Kilmer-Purcell, author of I Am Not Myself These Days
“Frank Anthony Polito’s Band Fags! plays like an eighties after school special; it feels like dropping right back into the oh-so-important questions of who sits where in the lunchroom, who “likes” who, and which friends might be “fags.” Polito absolutely captures the voice of a not-ready-to-be-gay-teenager in the eighties, and spins characters who face real problems, ridiculous concerns, and the meaning of friendship over the years.”
—Alex MacLennan, author of The Zookeeper
BAND FAGS!
Frank Anthony Polito
KENSINGTON BOOKS
http://www.kensingtonbooks.com
To Grat Dalton,
my Best Friend since 7th grade. In memory of his beautiful mother, Linda Vickers-Dalton-Belfiori
Acknowledgments
First and foremost, I thank my editor, John Scognamiglio, for encouraging an actor-turned-playwright to flesh out a two-character world and for his guidance and friendship along the way. To everyone at Kensington for making me feel welcome, especially Joan Schulhafer, Maureen Cuddy, Adeola Saul, and Guy Chapman in publicity, all my friends in the “Bull Pen,” Amanda Rouse, Mercedes Fernandez, Peter Senftleben, Megan Records, Amy Pyle, Jenny Klion, and Colleen Martin; Doug Mendini in sales; Kristine Noble for taking my cover design and making it totally awesome, and, of course, Laurie Parkin, and Steven and Walter Zacharius.
Thank you to my mom and dad, Dawne and Frank Polito, for their constant support throughout the years, and to my brother and (soon-to-be) sister-in-law, Shawn and Judy Polito, my sister and brother-in-law, Julie and Dennis Drew, my nephews, Ryan and Matthew, and my new little niece, Hannah—I love you all.
Thanks to Amanda Thousand, for tips on being Editor-in-Chief of The Hazel Parker, to my fellow Band Fags: Eva Rietz, Mike Rackov, and former HPHS Marching and Concert Bands director Mr. Paul Kline, for helping to jog my MSBOA Band Festival memory.
Special thanks to Brian Sloan for encouraging me to use the title Band Fags!, to Rich Kiamco, and my fellow ex-Detroiters, Mark LeGault and Kenneth Walsh, for putting me in touch with the “Giver Goddess.” And to Judy Tenuta herself, for allowing me to quote her hilariousness—and for the potted meat product, way back when.
Last but not least, I thank my partner, Craig Bentley, for taking care of me for these oh-so-many years and for finally being The One. To him, I owe my every success—past, present, and future.
Contents
—7th GRADE—
WE GOT THE BEAT
—FRESHMAN—
JOHNNY, ARE YOU QUEER?
SHE BOP
BLESS YOU BOYS
HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO
DO THEY KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS?
SOONER OR LATER
HOLIDAY ROAD
DANCING IN THE DARK
HOT FOR TEACHER
—SOPHOMORE—
OBSESSION
BLISTER IN THE SUN
YOU SPIN ME ROUND
SECRET
OH, L’AMOUR
THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR
THE EDGE OF HEAVEN
NO ONE IS TO BLAME
SWEET SIXTEEN
—JUNIOR—
TAKE MY BREATH AWAY
SHELL SHOCK
RUMORS
RETURN POST
KISS
POINT OF NO RETURN
FRIENDS & LOVERS
—SENIOR—
BREAK OUT
DUDE (LOOKS LIKE A LADY)
VENUS
SHAKE YOUR LOVE
HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU
SIGN YOUR NAME
FRIENDS
—FRESHMAN—
THE PROMISE
—7th GRADE—
1982–1983
We Got The Beat
“See