Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star. Rich Merritt
Advance praise for Rich Merritt and
SECRETS OF A GAY MARINE PORN STAR
“Rich Merritt writes an honest, inspiring, sexy, funny, and courageous story. It is filled with insights into military life and the workings of the media, but what truly resonates is the account of one man’s journey to self-acceptance and the welcoming, joyous embrace of gay culture.”
—William J. Mann, author of All American Boy
“Inspiring, thought-provoking, and brutally honest, Rich Merritt’s story is much more than that of a Marine who found himself at the center of a political firestorm. It is the story of a young man’s coming of age, of the hypocrisy of the gay media and political organizations, and, ultimately, of what it means to come to terms with who you are while being pulled in multiple directions.”
—Michael Thomas Ford, author of Looking For It
“This is a timely and powerful memoir, an eye-opening survey of wildly incompatible worlds including Bob Jones University, the gay Marine underground, the porn industry, and the circuit party ghetto. At a moment when our country has fallen prey to the lure of various fundamentalisms, this book issues a compelling indictment of what its author calls ‘the internal tyranny of fundamentalist dogma.’ Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star spellbindingly charts a young man’s perilous journey from the iron-clad, killing certainties of his upbringing to adulthoods hard-won self-acceptance and compassion. Rich Merritt writes incisively and, indeed, often quite sexily about a life of closets, confusion and, finally, the great courage of his convictions.”
—Paul Russell, author of War Against the Animals and The Coming Storm
“Rich Merrit’s had an amazing ride, and his memoir rivetingly takes us along on it, tying together his disparate roles—good Christian, porn star, military gay—with saucy wisdom. You couldn’t make this stuff up!”
—Michael Musto, The Village Voice
“Merritt has written a powerfully honest and compelling story of living two lives. One is of service to his country and one of courageoulsy seeking to come to terms with being a sexual human being.”
—David Mixner, author of Stranger Among Friends
Books by Rich Merritt
SECRETS OF A GAY MARINE
PORN STAR
CODE OF CONDUCT
Published by Kensington Publishing Corp.
SECRETS OF A GAY MARINE PORN STAR
a memoir
RICH MERRITT
CITADEL PRESS
Kensington Publishing Corp.
http://www.kensingtonbooks.com
CITADEL PRESS BOOKS are published by
Kensington Publishing Corp.
850 Third Avenue
New York, NY 10022
Copyright © 2005 by Rich Merritt
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the Publisher, excepting brief quotes used in reviews.
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CITADEL PRESS and the Citadel logo are Reg. U.S. Pat. & TM Off.
First Citadel electronic edition: June 2017
ISBN-13: 978-0-8065-3835-8
ISBN-10: 0-8065-3835-X
For “Slim”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Because this is a book about my life, the entire text is an acknowledgment of sorts (albeit with mostly fake names) to the many people who have helped or hindered me along my journey. The book itself, however, would never have become a reality without the influence, encouragement, and patience of a few extraordinary people. Charles Casillo took a scattered bundle of pages and immediately recognized a wild, sad and memorable story waiting to be told. I am eternally in his debt for being my coach, editor, co-conspirator, stenographer, ghostwriter, therapist, fellow outlaw and best of all, my friend. Charles helped me find a writer’s greatest treasure—my voice. I met Charles through Terri Fabris, former editor at Alyson Publications. Terri was the first to detect that I had more “secrets” to tell, and she and Charles prodded me until I told all of them. Hollis Griffin, former publicist at Grove Atlantic, sent me off in Terri’s direction and my dear friend, Seth Levy, a modern messiah, connected me to Hollis.
Charles referred me to the rarest of finds—an agent with a warm and sensitive heart. Mike Hamilburg was instantly as excited about this book as Charles and I were, surprisingly since he is a heterosexual male, a father with young children, not exactly my target demographic. He has given me hope that everyone can connect to my story somehow. Best of all, Mike knew exactly the right editor for this book, sparing my delicate and tender soul the agony of countless rejections. It has been a joy to work with John Scognamiglio and everyone at Kensington Publishing this past year and a half. In this neo-conservative pseudo-morality-driven era we now live in, they have taken a significant risk in putting a book like this into the marketplace. For all of us, I pray that their boldness pays off in droves. Let the backlash begin.
Before this book was ever conceived, Ron “Aunt Ronnie” Schrader said to me, “Girl, what are you doing wasting your time writing novels! Write your own story, it’s WAY more exciting than any fiction!” Aunt Ronnie also led me back to the Lord…the real God, that is. It was Carolyn Carter, my stand-in mom, who helped me see that all love begins with self-love and that the self-hatred of our fundamentalist pasts is the greatest sin of all. Brandon, what can I say? He taught me how to love and his love for me saved my life. Literally. I will never forget my first love and what a lucky bastard I am that it was with someone so wonderful and special.
No one has been more relentless in the futile pursuit of the elusive masculine military mystique than Steven Zeeland. I am proud to be his friend and his loyalty to me has been as unwavering as his love for soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines.
Charles Ching of All Worlds Video went out of his way to provide me with photographs. Rick Ford, aka “Dirk Yates” deserves special recognition. He has long been a brave pioneer in the world of gay male entertainment in a nation intent on dictating behavior to other people. Freedom-loving folks everywhere should thank him for his battles on the front line for First Amendment freedom.
I am especially grateful to all of the men and women in the Marine Corps. I suspect that some people will misinterpret my story as a slam against the Corps and some will say that I have brought dishonor to the Marines. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love the Marine Corps, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for all Marines. Maybe if I had it all to do over again, I’d do it differently. But that’s not an option now, so it’s pointless to think about it. What is dishonorable is the way our nation treats gay men and women who wish to serve in the military. All servicemen and women make sacrifices, but gays and lesbians in the military make the biggest sacrifices of all.
I’ve enjoyed the companionship of all my fellow travelers. There are too many to list, but dammit I’m going to try: David, Jim, John, John, Mike, Russ, Kelly, Lisa and Vegas. Bossy. Jack, Charles, Tommy and Keith. Jack, Dominic, Mark, Todd, Cary, Chris, John,