Not pregnant yet? You bet!. Rimma Efimkina
again remembered her mother’s words at her brother’s funeral, again she cried out of self-pity, and about the fact that she couldn’t say openly about her feelings. To whom? This time to her husband about the fact that she was scared to undergo a life-threatening procedure, and that she was afraid not to go, and felt guilty, because if her husband had spent a load of money for this, it was necessary to finish the deal.
– Who is it necessary for?
– For my husband.
– And what is necessary for you?
Yana did not give an answer. Then she disappeared after telling to the group beforehand that she probably won’t come to the meetings, because her husband was concerned about her getting nervous during psychotherapy sessions. This was an excuse that allowed her to pass the responsibility for her choice to the another person and not to get in touch with anxiety from deciding what to do and making her own choices.
Yana’s life has not changed. IVF has not brought the expected results, her plans have not not come to life, her story is not over.
“Kittens”: commentary
Take a pond of salt, pour it into you wound.
When you call me again, I feel nothing, but doomed
Yana’s story is a story of a codependent woman. To cure her of infertility is to cure her of codependence. There are many definitions of a codependent person. I like Marilyn Murrey’s, because it’s both short and simple. She says that a codependent person is a person who gives up his or her dignity, abiding to another person and taking responsibility for another person, thus encouraging his or her destructive behavior. A codependent person, as rule, is a product of the culture of restrictions and prohibitions, which preaches that to have one’s personal boundaries is egoistic and evil16.
Any woman who grew up in our fallocratic culture is damaged in a way, as she constantly suppresses her own needs. When growing up, each of us was told time and again that a woman should be obedient, sacrifice herself and care about others. For many it is as natural as breathing.
Fortunately, now there are books on codependency and love addiction which openly state that this is a disease and teach how to deal with them. The book by Robin Norwood Women Who Love Too Much is one of them. It’s not just a book, I don’t get tired of saying that it should be a guide for every Russian woman, despite the fact that it was written by an American. What is it about this book that makes me “prescribe” it to practically each of my clients? It’s about each one of us. In order not to make any allegations, here is a short fragment of the text17:
– We love too much if to love means to suffer.
– We love too much, if we justify his bad temper, insensitivity and rudeness by the fact that he had difficult childhood and try to take on a role of his therapist.
– We love too much if we don’t like a lot about his character, his values and deeds, but we make our peace with them and think: I should be more attractive and loving and he will change for me.
– We love too much, if love threatens our wellbeing and, possibly, even our health and security.
The feelings that many women fascinated by men mistake for love and passion are, if fact, fear. If love boarders on obsession, this means fear of either being alone, or being unloved, or being unworthy, or losing support (emotional, financial, etc.).
The “love too much” phenomenon (psychologists call it love addiction) is a peculiar combination of thoughts, feelings and behaviour that unconsciously recreate the atmosphere of the parents’ family. I insist on the word “unconsciously”, because many people tend to answer the question about how their childhood was by “happy”. People say this, because this is where their psychological defense mechanisms step in, their task being to guard us from traumatic memories, they are displacement, suppression, denial, etc. But if one goes emotionally to this child sate in the course of a psychotherapy sessions, one will discover logical recurrent dynamics which is called in psychology “Karpman-Burn’s drama triangle”:
The Victim – The Rescuer – The Persecutor
The essence of the model is in the following example: if one lives with a father who is an alcoholic, one regularly participates in a drama with three roles – the victim, the rescuer, the persecutor. The drunk father acts like a persecutor towards the mother, she starts acting like a victim, so, to survive the horror, humiliation, desperation, indignation, shame the child start rescuing the situation, the mother and himself/herself. Next morning, when the father is hung over and, thus, becomes a victim, the mother acts like a persecutor, and the child feels pity towards the father. The child constantly feels humiliated and ashamed of his parents’ unworthy behavior, so he/she starts rescuing his family’s reputation. He does not invite his/her friends to prevent them from seeing the ugly scenes. Over the years a girl gets used to putting a good face on, gets used to hiding their feelings both from other and from herself. This is why she is convinced she had a “happy” childhood.
How many times did we feel this way as children? How many times did we swear that it won’t be this way when it comes to us. We search for a partner who in no way reminds us of our aggressive and unjust father. We find a soft nice guy, even a bit silly, who needs just a little push in the right direction. Why, he does not drink! He is our hero! So we drag on this immature, dependent, but grown-up person, who is angry as we tell him how to live. He is not an alcoholic (although he can become one), it turns out it does not matter. He can have other both chemical and non-chemical addictions – drugs, work, risky sports, gambling, computers or credits, etc. But even that is not the sad part, the sad part is that you tied your life with an immature person who needs to be controlled and revolts against it.
And here we are, in our own family, running circles, “victim – rescuer – persecutor” triangles to be more precise. Undertaking the role of a rescuer gives a woman suffering of a victim she is used to, and superiority of a persecutor she needs. It is clear, that both need help, but it is so tempting to wait for a partner to make the first step!
The majority of my clients do not finish the book, saying it’s not about them. Those who do agree with their love addiction “diagnosis” lose interest in the book as they approach Chapter 10 which describes the way to healing, 10-steps program for helping oneself.
It’s easy for me to understand why my client drop this book before finishing it. Let’s compare this work of spirit and work of body: every one of us knows that to be in a good shape one needs to exercise every day. Does each of us really do it? This requires “investing” in one’s health that will pay off later. But we want to see the results immediately! The same happens with investing in one’s spiritual growth. This is hard work and you won’t see the results for a long time, if ever. Is it possible to see the connection between infertility and depending on your husband? The connection is metaphorical: if you don’t invest in your own productivity you become infertile.
What should women “who love too much” do? Essentially, stop saving their husbands and use the energy for being creative and productive. Here are the ten steps18:
– Ask for help.
– Make healing yourself your number one job.
– Find a supporting group of peers who understand you.
– Dedicate time to your spiritual growth on a daily basis.
– Stop controlling your partner and manipulating him.
– Learnt
Marilyn Murrey,
Robin Norwood,
Robin Norwood,