You're a Bad Man, Mr. Gum!. Andy Stanton
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In memory of Sam
You’re a Bad Man, Mr Gum! First published 2006 by Egmont UK Limited This edition published 2019 by Egmont UK Limited, The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road London W11 4AN
Text copyright © 2006 Andy Stanton
Illustration copyright © 2006 David Tazzyman
The moral rights of the author and illustrator have been asserted
First e-book edition 2019
ISBN 978 1 4052 9369 3
Ebook ISBN 978 1 4052 4939 3
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library
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Read all of Andy Stanton’s books!
You’re a Bad Man, MR GUM!
MR GUM and the Biscuit Billionaire
MR GUM and the Goblins
MR GUM and the Power Crystals
MR GUM and the Dancing Bear
What’s for Dinner, MR GUM?
MR GUM and the Cherry Tree
MR GUM and the Secret Hideout
Contents
3 Mr Gum Lays His Plans Like the Horror He Is
9 Polly and Friday Ride into Town
Chapter 1 The Garden of Mr Gum
Mr Gum was a fierce old man with a red beard and two bloodshot eyes that stared out at you like an octopus curled up in a bad cave. He was a complete horror who hated children, animals, fun and corn on the cob. What he liked was snoozing in bed all day, being lonely and scowling at things.
He slept and scowled and picked his nose and ate it. Most of the townsfolk of Lamonic Bibber avoided him and the children were terrified of him. Their mothers would say, ‘Go to bed when I tell you to or Mr Gum will come and shout at your toys and leave slime on your books!’ That usually did the trick.
Mr Gum lived in a great big house in the middle of town. Actually it wasn’t that great, because he had turned it into a disgusting pigsty. The rooms were filled with junk and pizza boxes. Empty milk bottles lay around like wounded soldiers in a war against milk, and there were old newspapers from years and years ago with headlines like
VIKINGS INVADE BRITAIN
and
WORLD’S FIRST NEWSPAPER INVENTED
TODAY.
Insects lived in the kitchen cupboards, not just small insects but great big ones with faces and names and jobs.
Mr Gum’s bedroom was absolutely grimsters. The wardrobe contained so much mould and old cheese that there was hardly any room for his moth-eaten clothes, and the bed was never made. (I don’t mean that the duvet was never put back on the bed, I mean the bed had never even been MADE. Mr Gum hadn’t gone to the bother of assembling it. He had just chucked all the bits of wood on the floor and dumped a mattress on top.) There was broken glass in the windows and the ancient carpet was the colour of unhappiness and smelt like a toilet. Anyway, I could be here all day going on about Mr Gum’s house but I think you’ve got the idea. Mr Gum was an absolute lazer who couldn’t be bothered with niceness and tidying and brushing his teeth, or anyone else’s teeth for that matter.
(and as you can see, it’s a big but) he was always extremely careful to keep his garden tidy. In fact, Mr Gum kept his garden so tidy that it was