The Case of the Troublesome Lady. John R. Erickson

      It’s me again, Hank the Cowdog. It must have been the middle of the night, yes, a very dark night, and I was awakened by creepy sounds.

      I lifted my head and glanced around. That proved pointless because…well, when it’s dark, you can’t see anything, right? But the hairs along my backbone knew something was wrong. They were switched into the Automatic Circuit, don’t you see, and had raised themselves.

      In my line of work, we pay attention to those hairs. That might sound ridiculous, a Head of Ranch Security taking notice of a bunch of hairs. I mean, a hair doesn’t have eyes or ears and can’t even bark, so what could a hair know that I don’t know better?

      Great question. I don’t know the answer. All I can tell you is that time and experience had taught me to respect those hairs that grew along my backbone, and in the middle of that dark night, they were telling me to wake up and pay attention.

      So…there I was, and let me be honest, I didn’t have the faintest idea where that might have been. Zero idea. All I knew was that wherever I was, it was darker than the inside of a black cow at midnight, so I lifted Earoscanners and did a rapid scan.

      Data Control chewed on that for a few seconds, then flashed a report: “CREEPY SOUNDS!”

      I reached for the microphone of my mind. “Unit One to Drover, over. Stand by for an APB, repeat, APB. We’re picking up creepy sounds, repeat, creepy sounds. Report in at once, over.”

      I cocked my ear and listened. I heard a faint voice. It said (this is a direct quote) it said, “Pork chop skiffer muttering miracles.”

      “Drover, is that you, over?”

      “Over the clover, under the thunder.”

      “Drover, identify. Repeat, identify. Give me the secret password, over.”

      “Toad stools forever.”

      “That checks out, so you’re Drover? Good. Do you have any idea where we are?”

      “Howdy cloudy puddin’ and pie, kissed the girls and made ‘em cry.”

      “Drover, please pay attention. This could be very important. Where are we?”

      There was a moment of silence…well, not exactly silence. I heard grunting and snorting, then a voice: “Hank? Is that you?”

      “Affirmative.”

      “Where are we?”

      “I just asked you that.”

      “I’ll be derned. What did I say?”

      “You said, ‘Where are we?’”

      “Gosh, maybe we don’t know where we are.”

      “Roger that.”

      I heard him yawn, then, “Gosh, it’s dark. How come you woke me up?”

      “I woke you up because…I don’t remember. Do you remember?”

      “Well, let me think. You said something about a big hairy ape.”

      “Not an ape. It was APB. I sent out an urgent All Points Burger.”

      “Boy, I love burgers.”

      “An All Points Bulletin.”

      “But I can’t handle the onions.”

      “Please stop talking about burgers and concentrate. Do you have any idea where we are or what we’re talking about?”

      “Not really. All I know is you woke me up.”

      “Okay, that gives us a starting point. You were asleep.”

      “Yeah, and I bet you were too.”

      “Exactly. We were both asleep. The question is, where?” At that point, I became aware of a moaning sound. “Wait. Listen. It’s coming back to me. I heard a creepy sound. Do you hear that?”

      “Oh my gosh, yes! Help, murder, let’s hide!”

      “Hold your position, soldier. We can’t hide until we figure out where we are.”

      “Oh rats. Should we bark?”

      “I’d better check Data Control.” I sent an urgent message to DC and got clearance. “Okay, we’ve been cleared for barking. Load up Number Three Warning Barks and don’t hold anything back. Ready? Fire!”

      Boy, you should have heard us. Even though we couldn’t see the target, we started pumping out the barks, big ones, the kind that throw a dog backward on every blast. I mean, the recoil on those Number Threes is pretty amazing. A lot of dogs can’t handle it, but on this outfit, we do it all the time.

      Well, we had been creeped out by creepy sounds, caused by unknown forces we couldn’t see, but then a light came on in the distance.

      Drover noticed and stopped barking. “Gosh, did we do that?”

      “Of course we did, nice work.” I glanced around and things began coming into crocus. Into focus, let us say. “All right, men,