Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings. Billings Josh
when tha are surrounded from pitching intu the enema backwards.
"Awl quiet on the Potermuck," – this shows what perfect subjekshun our fellers are under.
IX
PASHUNCE OV JOB
Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that's a fac, but did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde 'round? Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz gallus buttons bust oph at once? Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a teasquall? Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous? Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out in the lot? Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing "damnashun!" If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all i hav got tu sa, iz, Bully for Job!
X.
FRIENDLY LETTER
Friend Elias: – You ask me menny questions about the draft that bothers me. It iz curis how it duz act, but it waz jist so in scripter times, "2 wimmin waz at a mill a grinding (corn i reckon), one waz took, and t'other want took." There aint enny dout but the draft iz for 3 years, or thereabouts, but i think a person would hav a rite to sell out hiz chanse at enny time during the 3 years, or thereabouts, for a premium, provided he could show tu the government that he waz conscientzly oppozed tu hard tak and bilyus fever.
Again: Aleyens aint liable for the draft, espeshila if tha cum from the city ov Ireland, and hav bin in the habit, for the laste 5 years, ov voting the democratic ticket.
Againly: Widder-wimmin, and their only son iz exempt, provided the widder's husband haz alreddy sarved 2 years in the war, and iz willing tu go agin, i beleave the supreme corte haz desided this thing forever.
Onse more: If a drafted man shud run awa with hiz draft, he proberly wouldn't ever be allowed to stand a draft agin, this looks severe at fust site, but the more yu look at it, the more yu can see the wisdom into it.
Onse morely: Xempts are thoze who hav bin drafted into the stait prizzen, for triing tu git an honest living bi supporting 2 wives at onst; also, all them people who are crazee, and unsound on the goose; also, all nusepaper korrespondents and fools in general.
Onse morely again: No substidude will be acksepted, who iz less than 3, or more than 10 feet high, he must know how to chaw terbacker and drink whiskee, and must'nt be afeered ov the itch nor the rebels. Moral Karakter aint required, the government furnishes that, and rashuns.
Conclusively: No person kan be drafted but twice in 2 different plases without hiz consent, but awl men haz a rite tu be drafted at least onst; i don't think even a rit ov habus corpus could deprive a man ov this laste, blessed privlege.
XI.
AFFURISMS
Truth iz the onla thing I kno ov that kant be improved upon.
If yu want tew git a sure krop, and a big yield for the seed, sow wilde oats.
An insult tew one man iz an insult tew aul men.
Cunning is curiosity satisfied, and curiosity satisfied iz wisdom.
Wize men don't expeck tu do away with the visisitudes ov life, they onla expeck tew blunt the edge ov them.
Yu kan gorge avaris, but ambishun knows no gorge but the grave.
A sarkastic wit iz a kind ov human pole-cat.
If thare is enny thing on this arth that angels kant imitate 'tis a vartuous yung man trampling temtashun under hiz feet.
I had rather be a reseiver ov stolen goods than the keeper ov men's sekrets.
Fame iz jist about az mutch use tew a ded man as 5.20's wud be, interest payable in goold.
Sum people hav the power ov saing a good deal in a fu words, while others hav the power ov saing a little in a good menny wurds.
Slander iz played on a tin horn, while truth steals forth like the dieing song ov a lute.
Yu kan judge ov sum men's karakters onla bi what they eat and drink.
"Truth iz stranger than ficshun" – that iz tew sum folks.
I hav found a grate menny things in this wurld that waz free– free az a well tew git into, but like a rat trap, not edzackly free tu git out ov.
"Meet me bi moonlite alone," iz awl well enuff under sum circumstances; but moonlite me for meat alone, iz not so well ennuff, under enny circumstances.
I don't kno ov but one thing on arth that kan improve a good wife, and that iz buty.
After you hav made up yure mind jist what you are going to du, then iz a good time tew dew it.
We often hear ov men, who hav cum within an inch ov dieing, and i haint enny dout thare iz sum, that evry boddy wuld lik tew hear had cum within an inch ov bein born.
"The lapse ov ages," iz a pleasant thing tew dwell upon, but after awl, verry mutch depends upon the ages ov the laps.
It iz not differkult tew find augers that wont bore, but yu seldom cum across a bore that wont auger.
"Faith that iz founded on an arnest and truthful convickshun, iz butiful tu behold; but faith that iz founded simpla on courage, aint enny thing more than good grit."
XII.
JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS
I hav studdyed cats clussly for years, and hav found them adikted tew a wild state. Tha haint got affekshun, nor vartues ov enny kind, tha will skratch their best friends, and wont ketch mice unless tha are hungry. It haz bin sed that tha are good tu make up into sassages; but this iz a grate mistake, i hav bin told bi a sassage maker that tha dont kompare with dogs. Thare is one thing sartin, tha are verry anxious tew liv, yu ma turn one inside out, and hang him up bi the tale, and az soon az yu are out ov sight, he will manage tew turn back summerset and cum around awl rite in a fu days. It iz verry hard wurk tew looze a cat. If one gits carried oph in a bag bi mistake a grate ways into the kuntry, tha wont sta lost onla a short time, but soon appear tew make the family happy with their presence. Old maids are very fond ov cats, for the reason i suppose that cats never marry if tha hav ever so good a chanse. Thare iz one thing about cats i dont like, if yu step on their tales by acksident tha git mad rite oph, and make a grate fuss about it. Thare iz anuther thing about them which makes them a good investment for poor folks. A pair ov cats will yield each year, without any outlay, something like eight hundred per cat. It iz a verry singular fack that cats dont like a mill-pond, i never knu one tew git drowned bi acksident. Tha luv cream, but it seems tew be agin their religgun tew tutch soap. Cats and dogs have never bin able tew agree on the main question, tha both seem tew want the affirmatiff side to onst. I think if i could hav mi way thare wouldn't be enny more cats born unless tha could sho a certifikate ov good moral karakter. Thare is one more thing about cats which seems tew me tew be awl affektashun, and that iz making sich a devlish noise under a fellers window nights, and then kall it musik. If i waz tew hav mi choise between a cat and a striped snake, i would take the snake bekause I could git rid ov the snake bi letting him go. Thare aint no sartin wa tew kill a cat, if yu git one wurked up into sassage, and yu think yu are awl right, jist az likely az not tha will cum to and take off a whole lot of good sassage with them. – Theze are mi views about cats, rather hastily hove together, and if i haint said enuff agin them it iz onla bekause i lack the informashun.
XIII.
REMARKS
Impudense iz the affek ov tew little knollege, and modesta, iz az often the affek ov tew mutch.
We dont question a persons rite tew be a fule, but if he klaims wisdom, we kompare it with our own.
Not one man in a thousand iz known while living, yet awl expeck tew be well remembered, when tha are ded.
Men are very often ashamed tu tell the