The Complete Works of Josh Billings. Billings Josh
with cinnamon ile, and variagated with spots.
Thare iz three chairs, kane setters, one iz a rocker, and all three are busted.
Thare iz a match-box, empty.
Thare iz no kurtin to the windo, and thare don’t want to be any, yu kant see out, and who kan see in?
The bel rope iz cum oph about 6 inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed iz a modern slat bottom, with two mattrasses, one cotton, and one husk, and both harder, and about az thick az a sea biskitt.
Yu enter the bed sideways and kan feel evry slat at once az eazy az yu could the ribs ov a grid iron.
The bed iz inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but rool over a good deal.
For breakfast you have a gong, and rhy coffee too kold to melt butter, fride potatoze which resemble the chips a two inch auger makes in its journey through an oak log.
Bread solid, beef stake about az thik az a blister plaster, and so tuff az a hound’s ear.
Table covered with plates, a few scared to death pickles on one ov them, and 6 fly endorsed crackers on another.
A pewterinktom caster with three bottles in it, one without enny pepper in it, one without enny mustard, and one with two inches ov drowned flies, and vinegar in it.
Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs around you earnestly, and wants to know if yu will take another cup ov coffee.
Yu say “No mom, i thank yu,” and push back yure chair.
Yu haven’t eat enuff tew pay for picking yure teeth.
I am about az selfconsaited az it will do for a man to be and not crack open, but i never yet consaited that i could keep a hotel, i had rather be a hiwayman than to be sum landlords i have visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a joy upon earth, where a man pays hiz bill az cheerfully az he did the parson who married him, whare yu kant find the landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen, whare servants glide around like angels ov mercy, whare the beds fit a man’s back like the feathers on a goose, and whare the vittles taste just az tho yure wife, or yure mother had fried them.
Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bilt on wheels and travel around the country; they are az phull ov real cumfort az a thanksgiving pudding, but alass! yes, alass! they are az unplenty az double-yelked eggs.
LAFFING
Anatomikally konsidered, laffing iz the sensashun ov pheeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot.
Morally konsidered, it iz the next best thing tew the 10 commandments.
Philosophikally konsidered, it beats Herrick’s pills 3 pills in the game.
Theoretikally konsidered, it kan out-argy all the logik in existence.
Analitikally konsidered, enny part ov it iz equal tew the whole.
Konstitushionally konsidered, it iz vittles and sumthing tew drink.
Multifariously konsidered, it iz just az different from ennything else az it is from itself.
Phumatically konsidered, it haz a good deal ov essence and sum boddy.
Pyroteknikally konsidered, it is the fire-works of the soul.
Syllogestikally konsidered, the konklushuns allwus follows the premises.
Spontaneously konsidered, it iz az natral and refreshing az a spring bi the road-side.
Phosphorescently konsidered, it lights up like a globe lantern.
Exsudashiously konsidered, it haz all the dissolving propertys ov a hot whiskee puntch.
But this iz too big talk for me; theze flatulent words waz put into the dikshionary for those giants in knolledge tew use who hav tew load a kannon klean up tew the muzzell with powder and ball when they go out tew hunt pissmires.
But i don’t intend this essa for laffing in the lump, but for laffing on the half-shell.
Laffing iz just az natral tew cum tew the surface as a rat iz tew cum out ov hiz hole when he wants tew.
Yu kant keep it back by swallowing enny more than yu kan the heekups.
If a man kan’t laff there iz sum mistake made in putting him together, and if he won’t laff he wants az mutch keeping away from az a bear-trap when it iz sot.
I have seen people who laffed altogether too mutch for their own good or for ennyboddy else’s; they laft like a barrell ov nu sider with the tap pulled out, a perfekt stream.
This is a grate waste ov natral juice.
I have seen other people who didn’t laff enuff tew giv themselfs vent; they waz like a barrell ov nu sider too, that waz bunged up tite, apt tew start a hoop and leak all away on the sly.
Thare ain’t neither ov theze 2 ways right, and they never ought tew be pattented.
Sum pholks hav got what iz kalled a hoss-laff, about haffway between a growl and a bellow, just az a hoss duz when he feels hiz oats, and don’t exackly kno what ails him.
Theze pholks don’t enjoy a laff enny more than the man duz hiz vettles who swallows hiz pertatoze whole.
A laff tew be nourishsome wants tew be well chewed.
Thare iz another kind ov a laff which i never did enjoy, one loud busst, and then everything iz az still az a lager beer barrell after it haz blowed up and slung 2 or 3 gallons ov beer around loose.
Thare iz another laff whitch I hav annalized; it cums out ov the mouth with a noize like a pig makes when he iz in a tite spot, one sharp squeal and two snikkers, and then dies in a simper.
This kind ov a laff iz larnt at femail boarding-skools, and dont mean ennything; it iz nothing more than the skin ov a laff.
Genuine laffing iz the vent ov the soul, the nostrils ov the heart, and iz jist az necessary for helth and happiness as spring water iz for a trout.
Thare iz one kind ov a laff that i always did reckommend; it looks out ov the eye fust with a merry twinkle, then it kreeps down on its hands and kneze and plays around the mouth like a pretty moth around the blaze ov a kandle, then it steals over into the dimples ov the cheeks and rides around in thoze little whirlpools for a while, then it lites up the whole face like the mello bloom on a damask roze, then it swims oph on the air, with a peal az klear and az happy az a dinner-bell, then it goes bak agin on golden tiptoze like an angel out for an airing, and laze down on its little bed ov violets in the heart whare it cum from.
Thare iz another laff that noboddy kan withstand; it iz just az honest and noizy az a distrikt skool let out tew play, it shakes a man up from hiz toze tew hiz temples, it dubbles and twists him like a whiskee phit, it lifts him up oph from hiz cheer, like feathers, and lets him bak agin like melted led, it goes all thru him like a pikpocket, and finally leaves him az weak and az krazy az tho he had bin soaking all day in a Rushing bath and forgot tew be took out.
This kind ov a laff belongs tew jolly good phellows who are az helthy az quakers, and who are az eazy tew pleaze az a gall who iz going tew be married to-morrow.
In konclushion i say laff every good chance yu kan git, but don’t laff unless yu feal like it, for there ain’t nothing in this world more harty than a good honest laff, nor nothing more hollow than a hartless one.
When yu do laff open yure mouth wide enuff for the noize tew git out without squealing, thro yure hed bak az tho yu waz going tew be shaved, hold on tew yure false hair with both hands and then laff till yure soul gets thoroly rested.
But i shall tell yu more about theze things at sum fewter time.
HOSS SENSE
There is nothing that haz bin diskovered yet, that iz so skarse as good Hoss sense, about 28 hoss power.
I don’t mean race hoss, nor trotting hoss sense, that kan run a mile in 1:28 and then brake down; nor trot in 2:13, and good for nothing afterwards, only to brag