The Complete Works of Josh Billings. Billings Josh
this elegant and elaborate cuss bends over and gobbles up the morsel.
Just like a man, for all the world.
THE FOX
Of all the beasts who roam the hill tops, or clime the plains, thare is none who makes so few blunders, and so many good hits as the fox.
His shewdness iz more than a match for the lion’s strength, his logick iz more than a match for the malice ov the wolf and hiz politeness and defference makes him the fop and gentleman ov the forest.
The fox is a literary cuss; he haz been the hero ov history, fable, and song, from the fust dawn ov oral or written knowledge. He waz a genius long before ackedemick honors flourished; he waz a poet, skoller and sage before the days ov Homer and Herodotus, and now, in our times, he is the Ben Butler ov diplomacy an the Brigham Young ov matrimony.
The fox is purely a game bird. It costs on an average fifty dollars tew ketch him, and when he iz caught he aint worth more than ten shillings. He follers no regular bizzness for sustenance, but livs on the chances and on hiz wit.
He iz a fleshy-minded sinner, and hiz blandness iz too mutch for the quaintness ov the goose, the melankolly reserve ov the turkey, or the pompous rhetorick ov the rooster. They all kneel tew the logick of hiz tounge, and find themselfs at rest in his stummuk.
He luvs lam & green peas, but will diskount the peas rather than lose hiz dinner, and will go a mile and a half out ov his way to be polite to a duck or a goslin.
But the most lively trait in the fox iz his cunning; he alwas pettyfogs hiz own case, and wins a great deal oftener than he loses.
Foxes are not like men, kritters ov habit; they never do a thing twice with the same figures, and often alter their mind before they do a thing once. This is the effect of too mutch genius.
There iz this difference between genius and common sense in a fox: Common sense iz governed bi circumstances, but circumstances iz governed by genius.
The fox haz no moral honesty, but he haz got a grate supply ov politikal honesty. If another fox in his parish wants a phatt goose, he will work hard and get the goose for him, and then clean the meat all oph from the outskirts ov the goose for pettyfogging the case, and giv him the bones, and tell hiz politikal friend, with a smile in the left corner of his eye, that “everything is lovely and the goose hangs high.”
Foxes have learnt this piety from watching the men git geese for each other, and if animals don’t want their piety tew git sour, they must keep away from the men week days. The fox is tew mutch ov a pollytician to invest his religion in enny sich indigenous trash. He knows that sosiety haz claims on him, and are indebted tew him for sum goose, and expekt to be for several more. This iz a nobel trait in the fox, and shows that he aint a child ov ingratitude.
Foxes cum out ov the ground, but whether they are made out ov dirt i kant sware with much certainty. They cum out ov the ground through the instrumentality ov a hole, but whether the hole begins at the surface and runs into the mountain, or whether it begins in the mountain and runs tew the surface, don’t make a kussid bit ov difference.
But philosophers hav argued about this hole bizzness for years. Sum ov them say it runs in, and sum ov them be darned if it duz; and right here we can see the amazing difference between the logick ov the philosophers and the logick ov the fox. While they stand fiteing at the mouth ov the hole, the fox iz stealing their ducks and goslins.
Foxes are like cunning men – they hav but few brains, and but a small place tew keep them in, but what few they hav got are like angle worms in hot water – full ov anxiety and mizery.
Cunning is a branding iron; the letters on it are small, but alwus red-hot, and they read thus – Look out for the fox.
A YARN. – THE AUNT, AND THE GRASSHOPPER
Once on a previous time, about four hundred thousand years ago, in the old ov the moon, during a verry dry spell ov weather, just after a hard frost, when grass butter waz skass, while venus was an evening star. An old ant, who had lost awl ov her front teeth, and waz twisted with the rhumatiz, and a pollypurse in her noze, sot in an eazy chair, near the front door ov an aunt hill, superintendin a phatt kurnell ov wheat, which the yung aunts were trieing tew git down cellar, into their house.
Jisst then along cum a loafing grasshopper, smoking a pipe, and singing, “Begone dull care, i pray thee begone from me.” – and spieing the old ant, giving orders tew the yung aunts, he stopt tew hav a talk with her.
“Good morning, old mother Industry, good morning!” sed the grassbug. “A fine cernal ov wheat that, yu are rooling in!
“Hav yu heard the grate news?
“Dredfull sharp frost last night!
“Winter will soon set in, i reckon!
“I herd the owls hute last nite!
“Terribel bad acksident on the Harlem road yesterday!
“When dew yu think specie payments will be took up?
“Thare! mi pipe haz gone out, kant yu lend me a match?
“How menny aunts hav yu got in yure village?
“Enny sickness amungst them?
“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in the dispatch, that the pissmires, down on Sandy Creek, hav all struck for higher wages?
“Who do yu think yure ants will vote for for justiss ov the peace?
“What iz yure sold opinyun ov the new license law, will it make rum enny skarser?
“Do yu buy enny grocerys ov old Ferguson, i hope not, he iz a mean old skinflinter, he sold me, only last week, a peace ov bar sope, for sum beeswax.
“The world iz gitting more full ov wussness every day!
“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in what every boddy sez, about old Square Benson, that he kant pay, only now and then sum ov hiz dets!
“Do yu see much ov the krickets now a days?
“I should really like tew kno how they are gitting along; rather tuff times for them i guess, yu don’t think they will winter, do yu?
“When duz the moon change now days?
“Hav yu got enny onion seeds tew spare, that yu kan reckomend?
“Dew yu think England will ever pay the Allabarmer klaims?
“I kant see what makes the cockroaches so stuck up, i met one this morning, and before i could put two civil questions at him he was out ov sight!
“Sum folks are alwus in sich a swetting hurry!
“Aint thare sum good law agin the spiders bilding their webs in the grass?
“How mutch wheat haz yure aunts got laid up; yu must hav sum tew spare?
“I wonder if it wont up and rain, before tommorrow?
“They tell me that maple sugar iz a drug in the market, owing to its peculiar mutchness; yu kant tell, kan yu, whether this iz so or not, i wish yu could!
“Mi opinyun now iz, that he who livs to see next year, will see buckwheat a bigg crop!
“I overheard the older hens say, az i cum past nabor Sherman’s lower barn this morning, that eggs waz gitting a good deal on plenty, and they must git tew work agin!
“Well! i am in an awful hurry, i am going down tew tend a jumping match between Springsteel, and Steelspring, two yung grasshoppers; this iz tew be the last hop ov the seazon.
“I must be a going!
“I am uncommon sorry i kant stay longer, and make yu a good visit.
“By the way! Old mother Industry, i hav got a profound sekret, that i want to tell yu, but i wouldn’t hav it known bi ennyboddy, for awl the world, if it should git out once, it would ruin me!”
“Then keep the sekret yureself,” spoke the ant, “it iz worth more to yu than ennyboddy else.”
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