Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later: How to raise your kid with love and limits. Dr. Berman Robin
Affect regulation, in turn, lays down neurological pathways for a more resilient brain. In the prefrontal cortex, the brain governs decision making, attention, problem solving, and judgment. When emotions run high, the brain does not work as well. But if you stop to pause and calm your emotions, rational thought kicks back in. That takes practice to learn, and watching a parent do it helps children learn it, too. The brain is shaped by its experiences. Put simply, if you scream or get agitated at your kids, and your children regularly experience your uncontrolled emotions, then their brains will wire for uncontrolled emotion. But if you can parent calmly, you are literally wiring your child’s brain to be calmer. Thus your parenting has profound implications for your child’s brain development. That’s why it is essential to regulate your own emotions and teach your children to do the same.
But here is the parenting paradox: you can’t teach what you don’t know. Ah, so this is why they say our children are our greatest teachers. At the heart of good parenting is a lot of self-reflection and self-discipline. If you tend to fly off the handle or be short-tempered or impatient, here is an opportunity for growth.
Look how everyone evolved in this story. Two brothers were fighting and screaming over Legos. Just when Zach went to grab a piece out of the hand of his brother, Eric, the mum intervened. “Stop that! Stop fighting!” she yelled, frustrated. But then, instead of playing the harried referee, she quieted her tone and remembered a technique used in Montessori schools.
“Boys, I have an idea,” she whispered. “Let’s have you sit in the peace chair to settle the fight.” She placed two kids’ chairs facing each other. She picked up a giant paintbrush and held it with reverence. “This is the talking peace stick,” she said quietly, as if creating sacred folklore. “When you hold the stick, you may tell your side of the story. Your brother can’t speak while you hold it, he can only listen. Then your brother will get a turn.”
Seven-year-old Eric gently took the peace stick and explained, “I need the blue Lego to finish my ship.”
Then it was five-year-old Zach’s turn. His sobs softened as he began to realize he was going to be heard. “I am making a car and I really, really need the blue Lego, and there are no blue Legos left.”
So Mum offered the stick back to Eric with a question.
“I see that you both want the Lego. How do you think you could work it out?”
Eric thought for a moment and lit up with excitement. “I know, we both can start over and divide up all of the blue, green, yellow, and red pieces from the beginning and start over with exactly the same amount.”
Eric passed the talking stick to Zach, who managed one sentence through his tears: “I love you, Eric.”
The mum said to herself, Wow, I’m shocked that actually worked!
Let’s review what she did right.
• She calmed her own emotions down—we have to be the lesson before we can teach the lesson.
• She modeled a gentle tone.
• She set out clear rules for how to talk to each other.
• She gave the boys an opportunity to learn conflict resolution by empowering them to work it out themselves. They became more invested in the outcome and active participants in the problem solving.
And that’s how she transformed a fight about a piece into real peace.
“Every time you are tempted to react in the same way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”
—Deepak Chopra
You are the hero or heroine of this fleeting story called childhood. How do you want to pen the tale?
Setting Limits with Love
1. Calm yourself. Check your own composure. Never discipline your child without first disciplining yourself.
2. Have empathy for your child’s struggle. Be with him, not against him.
3. Teach and hold the limit with respect. No shame, no blame.
Time
In The Gift of an Ordinary Day, the author Katrina Kenison writes about the preciousness of time and how quickly it passes.
Somehow our treasured family ritual of reading together at bedtime slipped away. No one asked for stories anymore. Baths were replaced by showers. ... Baseballs stopped flying in the backyard. A bedroom door that had always been open, quietly closed. ... I missed my old world and its funny little inhabitants, those great big personalities still housed in small, sweet bodies. I missed my sons’ kissable cheeks and round bellies, their unanswerable questions, their innocent faith, their sudden tears and wild, infectious giggles.
Soak it up while it is happening because it is gone too soon. Spend time. Make memories. Experience every moment you can. Give that gift to yourself and to your children.
I once read: “Kids spell love T-I-M-E.” We need to put time into childhood—slow, present time. From a psychiatrist’s standpoint, errors of omission are tough to forgive. Remember Harry Chapin’s song “Cat’s in the Cradle.” It’s hard to shake the memory and pain of absence. How we prioritize our time sends a clear message to our kids about what we value.
“I can promise you that no social engagement is as important as the one you have with your kids at home.”
—Bobbi Brown, cosmetics guru
We can’t farm out parenting to others, or to activities and electronic distractions. Our kids need to feel our real presence in their little lives. You don’t get a pass on this.
“Parenting cannot be outsourced.”
—Marc Weissbluth, MD, pediatrician and author
On the first day of elementary school, Ray Michaud, a principal for thirty-six years, begins his speech to the parents: “As much as possible, clear your calendar. These are special, formative years; these are the years your kids want to be with you. Trust me; you won’t want to miss them, they don’t come back.”
These are the years when your kids ask for one more bedtime story, for one more moment of watching them color, for you to stay in their room and snuggle one minute longer. Do.
“So here are the things I do ... things that don’t come naturally to me ... things I could easily take a pass on, but I don’t. I do these things—not because I enjoy them—but because someone very important to me does....
“I watch her lip-synch Taylor Swift music videos—not because I like to hear ‘We are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ ten bazillion times—but because the facial expressions she makes are indescribable, and I want to remember them when I am eighty years old.”
—Rachel Macy Stafford, handsfreemama.com
In interview after interview, parents talked about how spending time makes their children feel so loved. People carry with them always the small, daily acts of love. A few extras go a long way, too.
“I was a single mum, exhausted, working full-time and raising my two kids. It was a cold winter’s night, and I had just read the story Owl Moon to my daughter.
“ ‘How come we never go out at night owling?’ she asked.
“What went through my mind was that I am exhausted and could barely make it through reading a story about owling, let alone go out on a cold winter’s night, but I decided to make a grand mummy gesture. I bundled my kids up in their winter clothes and took them in the car to chase the moon. We drove about twenty minutes until we found an open field and parked. We sat in the car, staring at the moon.