The Secret of Happy Children: A guide for parents. Steve Biddulph
chance of living – there was too much damage.’
Dr Satir’s mind worked fast. She saw the child undergoing the simple and routine procedure, under general anaesthetic, while the staff talked about the previous patient: ‘not much chance of living’, ‘pretty bad shape’.
Quickly, she asked that the child be taken back to the theatre. She instructed the staff in what to say:
‘Gee this kid looks good and healthy, not like the old lady we operated on before.’ ‘This kid has a nice healthy throat.’ ‘She’ll be healed in a jiffy and back playing with her friends!’
The bleeding stopped, the anaesthetic wore off and the child went home the next day.
Anchoring
Anchoring is one of the most recent discoveries in hypnosis. Scientists have realised that a message goes most deeply into a person’s mind if it is accompanied by other signals that reinforce it.
This is really quite simple.
If a person says to you, ‘You’re a pest!’, you will probably feel rather put out. If he says it with a frown and a loud voice, this will be worse. If he says it very loudly, moves towards you whilst making menacing movements and appears somewhat out of control, then you have a problem.
If he happens to be three times larger than you and is one of your family – on whom your well-being depends – you will probably remember the incident for the rest of your life.
Modern-day men and women, especially those of us of Anglo-Saxon descent, tend to be constrained in our day-to-day life. We do not act or speak with very much passion or force. It’s not that we are low-key and relaxed – just more controlled and bottled up. We tend to keep our good and bad feelings to ourselves and, when things go badly, we try to carry the burden without giving any outward signs. Consequently, when we finally do blow up or break down, we often surprise both ourselves and those around us. If the feeling being released is anger and frustration, then those around us may feel that we have lost control and are dangerous to them…and we may agree!
Because of this, our children may live in a situation where day-to-day messages are fairly vague and indirect: ‘Now don’t do that, darling, come along’, ‘There’s a good boy’. Both positive and negative messages are casual and not great in their impact.
Then, one day, when life has really overloaded Mum or Dad, there comes a powerful outburst, ‘You little brat, I wish you’d shut up’, anchored with wild eyes, sudden, close proximity, never-before-heard volume and a sense of quivering lack of control that is quite unforgettable. The message is inescapable, although untrue: this is what Mum or Dad really thinks of me!
The words that overwrought parents choose at these times can be remarkably strong.
‘I wish you’d never been born.’
‘You’re a stupid, stupid child.’
‘You’re killing me, do you hear?’
‘I’d like to throttle you!’
It’s not bad to get angry at or around children. On the contrary, children need to learn that one can be angry and discharge tension and be heard, in safety. Elizabeth Kubler Ross says that real anger lasts 20 seconds and is mostly noise. The problem comes when the positive messages (‘You are great’, ‘We love you’, ‘We’ll look after you’) are not equally strong or reliable. Often, although we feel these, we do not communicate them.
Almost every child is dearly loved, but many children do not know this fact; many adults will go to their death still believing that they were a nuisance and a disappointment to their parents. It is one of the most moving moments in family therapy to be able to clear away this mis-understanding.
At the times when a child’s life goes shaky – when a new baby is brought home, when a marriage breaks up, when failure occurs at school, when there is no work for a hopeful teenager – it is important to give positive messages, anchored with a hand on a shoulder and a clear look in the eye: whatever happens, you are special and important to us. We know you’re great.
So far we’ve talked about the unconscious programming of children to be unhappy adults. There are lots of direct ways too!
WHAT NOT TO DO
When disciplining, use put-downs instead of simple demands.
Use put-downs in a friendly way; say, as a pet-name.
Compare!
Set an example!
Talk to other people about children’s faults in their hearing.
Take pride in patterns that are bound to cause trouble later.
Use guilt to control children.
These sorts of statements can be left out of your parenting repertoire for good. You and they will feel better for it.
I’LL GIVE YOU CRAZY!
Have you ever listened to yourself talking to your kids, and just moaned? A lot of the things we say to kids are, well, crazy! Scots comedian Billy Connolly bemoaned some of these in a recent concert we heard…(you’ll have to imagine the accent).
‘Mum, can I go to the pictures?’ ‘Pictures! I’ll give you pictures.’
‘Can I have some bread then?’ ‘Bread! I’ll bread you my boy!’
Most of us can remember being told things as a child which simply made no sense at all, phrases like: pull your socks up young man…if you don’t come to your senses soon…you’ll smile on the other side of your face!…I’ll teach you to make a fool of me!…and so on. It’s no wonder some people grow up to be a little confused.
I was in a primary school recently where some parents had brought their toddlers to join a new play group. While we were waiting to start, a lively and curious little boy started to pull out some maths equipment from a shelf. His harassed-looking mum told him ‘If you touch that the teacher will cut your fingers off!’ Now any of us can understand the motivation to say this kind of thing – when nothing else works, try terror! But with this kind of message coming thick and fast, what can a child conclude about life? It can only go two ways: either the world is a crazy and dangerous place, or else, it’s no good listening to Mum, she talks a load of rubbish. Now there’s the start of a well adjusted life. We’ve all done it!
One day (true confession) I told my two-year-old son that the police might be cross with him if he didn’t wear his seatbelt. I was hot and tired, and I hate squirming my six-foot-four frame around inside cars to fasten seatbelt buckles on protesting kids. I resorted to a cheap trick, and I paid the price. As soon as the words came out of my mouth I regretted it. For days after I had questions thick and fast. ‘Do the policemen have guns?’, ‘Are there any policemen down this road?’ It was a major job of rehabilitation to get him back to feeling calm, and comfortable