Four Bridesmaids and a White Wedding: the laugh-out-loud romantic comedy of the year!. Fiona Collins
Rose’s eyes travelled along with it, as it ebbed up and down in her vision. Suddenly, the wall stopped at two huge, wide-open wrought iron gates. A black slate sign, welcoming them with the swirly, engraved words, ‘The Retreat Salon and Spa’ protruded from lush, green grass. And then they were bumping up a long, sweeping, tree-lined gravel drive towards a huge Cotswold stone manor house.
Wow. It was stunning. Its pale yellow Georgian frontage, flanked by two impressive wings either side, gleamed in the evening sunshine; its walls dripped with tumbling, late-flowering, pale lilac wisteria. Spread before it was a gorgeous arrangement of ponds and fountains, circled by multicoloured blooms. It was posh, but with a romantic, faded-looking country glamour. It was majestic, but welcoming. Rose couldn’t wait to get inside.
They got out of the taxi, marginally stunned, and just stood on the gravel, gawping up at The Retreat.
‘Oh, JoJo!’ said Wendy. She actually had tears in her eyes. ‘It’s breathtaking. If I haven’t already, I completely take it back about not wanting a hen weekend.’
‘Too right,’ said Sal, her jaw dropping. ‘It’s bloody gorgeous. Look at that flippin’ swimming pool!’ Over to the right of the house, on a diamond-shaped jigsaw of Cotswold slab set into the perfect, emerald lawn, was a huge, outdoor swimming pool surrounded by expensive-looking wooden sunloungers topped with yellow and white striped towels. Swanky white umbrellas fluttered in the breeze; stone steps at one end led down to turquoise, sparkling water. And next to it was a pool house so big and glamorous it could be an estate all of its own.
‘The girl did good,’ said Rose, giving her friend a squeeze round the waist. ‘Well done, JoJo.’ JoJo looked all proud, as well she might, thought Rose. This place looked amazing, like something out of a film, and she knew they all couldn’t wait to sample the treats it promised. Glamour Pamper Package, here they came!
‘You’re welcome,’ said JoJo. ‘I wanted to book something really special for Wendy. She deserves it. And you all deserve it, too.’
‘And you, as well,’ said Wendy. ‘You deserve a break.’
‘Yes, I know,’ admitted JoJo, not looking wholly convinced.
‘Turn off the BlackBerry for the duration,’ scolded Sal. ‘Brides will still adore and order your dresses, the shop will still be standing when you get back to London, and the world won’t stop turning because you don’t pick up a needle and thread or a bloody diamanté for the next two and a bit days.’
JoJo laughed. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘And I promise to try. Shall we get inside?’
‘Yes please,’ said Rose. They laughingly linked arms, like The Monkees, then realised that wouldn’t work as they all had their bags to bring in. Giggling, they picked up their luggage, crossed the gravel and made their way into reception.
This was going to be the Best. Weekend. Ever.
JoJo
‘What do you mean, I haven’t booked the Glamour Pamper Package?’
They were standing in reception, welcome mocktails of elderflower, red berry and sparkling water in their hands, and leaning against a huge marble desk behind which a prim young woman, her hair in Heidi braids, frowned at a computer screen.
‘That’s what it says here,’ the woman said, looking up, and speaking in a soft Wiltshire lilt. JoJo noticed the name on her badge actually was Heidi. ‘It says you’re booked under the Health and Rejuvenation Package. The Brown party, right?’
‘Yes, yes, I’m JoJo Brown,’ said JoJo, ‘but no, no, that can’t be right. I definitely booked the Glamour Pamper Package.’ She smoothed her hair with her left hand and tried to dampen down her rising panic. She had, hadn’t she? Booked the Glamour Pamper Package. She remembered doing it. That lunchtime, in between taking calls. She’d ticked the right box, she’d gone through the payment system, she’d received the confirmation email . . .
‘Do you have your confirmation email?’ asked Heidi.
JoJo scrambled in her bag for her BlackBerry. She’d never actually looked at the confirmation email – she hadn’t had time – but it would be on her BlackBerry and this would all be cleared up in a jiffy. It was just a simple misunderstanding, that was all. She brought up her emails, typed The Retreat in the search box and scanned down the email that popped up . . . to the bit that said, ‘Thank you for booking the Health and Rejuvenation Package . . .’
‘Oh dear,’ she said, blushing. Oh no! ‘It appears you’re right. I seem to have booked the wrong package. I’m so sorry, everyone. I don’t know what to say.’ Damn it! Damn and blast it! How could this have happened? She knew she’d been busy that lunchtime, but how difficult was it to tick the right box? Even an idiot could tick the right box! She’d ticked the wrong box, hadn’t she? ‘I’m so, so sorry.’
She quickly looked round the faces of her friends. They were hard to read – they all still looked relatively happy. They didn’t look angry; Wendy wasn’t sobbing into her mocktail or anything, but perhaps the news hadn’t really sunk in, perhaps the alcohol still cavorting round their bodies from the journey was softening the blow.
‘Is it that much different?’ enquired Sal. ‘This other package? This Health and Wotsit? It’s probably just a little less glamorous and a bit more healthy, isn’t it? Could it be we’re massaged with lemon oil rather than cocoa butter, and receive organic seaweed wraps rather than ones laced with double cream and glitter?’ She chuckled at her own wit. ‘Surely they’re all much of a muchness. It’s all relaxing, pampering, whatever, right? It’s all good?’
‘They must be pretty similar,’ agreed Rose, nodding. ‘I’m sure it’ll be fine.’
‘Actually, the packages are quite different,’ said Heidi, looking like she was just a little too happy to be the bearer of bad news, JoJo thought.
JoJo suddenly remembered. She’d seen the blurb about the Health and Rejuvenation Package, of course she had. And it was exactly why she’d rejected it for the Glamour Pamper Package. Well, wouldn’t anyone?
Heidi seemed to relish what she was about to say. She also recited it like a very pleased robot reading from a well-practised script.
‘The Health and Rejuvenation Package is a carefully structured two-day physical and mental rejuvenation plan designed to revive body and soul.’
‘Uh-oh,’ said Sal.
Heidi ignored her and continued. ‘The package will stimulate mental and physical well-being in a co-ordinated and streamlined series of activities.’
‘Right,’ said Sal, beginning to look mildly irritated. Rose and Wendy were now gawping at each other, wide-eyed. ‘OK. But what do we actually do? What are the activities?’
‘I can tell you,’ said JoJo slowly. She felt quite sick. ‘I read it all. I’m not sure in what order these come, but these are the activities I read about. We have to do an assault course—’
‘Physical Stamina Optimiser Challenge,’ interjected Heidi.
Sal, Rose and Wendy groaned in horror. Sal gripped the desk theatrically, as though she might faint.
‘Meditation—’ continued JoJo.
‘Mind Gymnastics, we like to call it,’ said Heidi smugly. ‘It’s new.’
‘Hot Yoga—’ said JoJo.
‘Oh, that’s fabulous,’ said Heidi. ‘Burns off sooooo many calories.’
‘And rafting.’
‘I wouldn’t call it rafting,’ protested Heidi, quite huffily. ‘It’s actually High Concept Lake Traversing.’