Black Boxes. Caroline Smailes
scale from there to there?~
~And what acts must I pass through from there to there?~
I don't have a ruler.
~How can I pinpoint the exact centre?~
I fear that my estimation may be slightly off.
~Should I use my fingers?~
[sound: unrecognisable sounds, possibly groans]
I had thirty-six hours.
I could have taken the morning-after pill.
I knew where to go and what to say.
The surgery on campus was always well stocked.
I could have gone.
Taken the pill.
Felt nauseous.
Probably thrown up.
And you'd never have known.
You'd probably not even have noticed.
But I didn't go.
i didn't think that there was a need.
I didn't think.
~I did think.~
I didn't think.
~I did think.~
I didn't think. I don't know.
[sound: banging wardrobe door]
~Oh stop shouting!~
~Stop the noise!~
Your voice is too loud.
You're making me blink.
Blink.
Blink.
[sound: humming of an unrecognisable tune]
Your constant questioning is ruining my memory.
~What do you mean?~
I don't know what I was trying to achieve.
There wasn't a goal.
I dislike the word goal.
I'd be happier with aim.
Ambition.
Target.
Aspiration.
Goal carries connotations of sporting achievement.
Our intercourse was hardly award winning.
[sound: laugh to snort]
I didn't think.
Really I didn't.
[sound: laugh to snort]
I didn't think that there was a need.
I mean I remember knowing that I had thirty-six hours.
I remember thinking of hours.
And waiting for those hours to pass.
I could have taken the morning-after pill.
Perhaps I should have taken the morning-after pill.
~I didn't think.~
I did think.
~I didn't think.~
I did think.
~I didn't think.~
I don't know.
I don't know.
[sound: distant rumbling of low flying aeroplane]
Ok. Ok.
~I did think!~
[silence]
There was a moment.
It came like a wave.
I saw it coming.
And I began to think.
My mind began to wander into a future.
Into our future. And I liked what I saw.
And so I rode.
I jumped in.
I allowed nature to decide.
It wasn't my decision.
~It was out of my hands.~
What would be would be.
[silence]
Que sera sera.
[sound: distant rumbling of low flying aeroplane]
~Don't be angry.~
~It's too late to be angry!~
I'm only telling you now because this is my last chance.
You see.
I thought that it would be a sign.
A measure of what was meant to be.
I thought that if it was what we needed.
If a greater being had decided that it was what was needed to be.
You know.
To make us be together.
Forever.
Then it would be.
I was putting it in the hands of a greater being.
It was out of my control.
[sound: distant rumbling of low flying aeroplane]
You see.
I love(d) you.
And I wasn't trying to trap you.
And I didn't want it to happen.
Want.
Verb + object.
Want a baby.
[silence]
Even if I had wanted.
I couldn't have planned.
[sound: a hoarse laugh]
Verb: To plan.
Etymology: French perhaps.
To map.
To scheme.
To arrange.
To plot.
I couldn't have planned for it to happen.
I've already said.
I can count the times on my right hand.
One.
Two.
Three.
I couldn't have planned it.
You had a problem with ejaculation.
~Is that clear enough for you?~
Ejaculation.
It's kind of a pretty sounding word.
~Don't you think?~
[sound: a guttural laugh]
[silence]
Verb: Ejaculate.
To eject words or sperm.
Not sperm.
Let me be proper.
Semen.
Spunk.
To release words.