Before You Were Mine: the breathtaking USA Today Bestseller. Em Muslin
along the wooden slats, the grit would dance up into the air and into your eyes, causing them to itch and water.
Nearing lunchtime, I saw through the window that my Ma was preparing my Pa and brothers’ food, which she would take over with a bottle of cool soda for each of them. Creatures of habit, my brothers would close up the garage at midday and sit in the shade eating their subs with their oily hands, playing cards, day in, day out.
My Ma tapped on the window and beckoned me in. Resting the broom handle on the doorframe, I skipped into the house, hoping she had poured me an ice-cold soda too, so that I could wash away the dust that had covered the back of my throat; but instead she passed me my brothers’ and Pa’s lunch bag and told me to hurry over there before they left for the auctions.
Grabbing the bag and running across the back of town as fast as I could, my eyes began to water more. Through the blur, I could see the garage gates still open. Situated between the launderette and the wrecker’s yard, the old rusting sign ‘Bell’s Autos’ protruded into the blue sky like a beacon. I could see my Pa’s pickup wasn’t parked outside, but peering around the side of the entrance, I spotted a pair of dirty overalls poking out the end of a car.
Assuming it was Bert or Samuel – as my Pa usually took Payton out to the auctions to show him the ropes – I gently tapped the greasy feet with my shoe and placed their bag of food on top of the car bonnet. Everywhere I looked was cluttered with tools and cans and papers. Expecting Bert to huff and puff his way from under the car, as though I’d stopped him from ever mending it, I backed out of the yard, ready to run all the way home.
‘They’re still up at the auction in Jonestown. Went this morning instead.’
I didn’t recognize the voice at first, and only when I turned and saw his bright red hair, did I blush from head to toe. I remembered my Pa had mentioned taking on an extra pair of hands. Since the mechanics in Mallory had shut down in the spring, Pa had been inundated with repairs. Despite him having my brothers to help, there still appeared to be enough work for more.
I remember I stuttered a lot and tried to think of something smart to say, but seeing as it had been a while since someone had actually spoken to me, I merely looked down to my shoes with my blurred vision and awkwardly rubbed my eyes.
‘Got summat in your eye? Want me to take a look?’
I think as he stepped forward, I stepped back and tripped over my own darn feet. Gaining my balance again, I pointed over to the bag of food I’d left on the bonnet and hoped he’d realize why I’d come over.
He turned to see what I was pointing at, then he looked back at me and smiled, and I tell you, the dryness in my throat almost trapped my swallow like a cobra. I hadn’t had a smile from anyone in months and my heart just about knew it. As he stepped further forward, I remember hearing the pickup nearing, but I didn’t turn to look as I just wanted to see his grin for a moment longer before it disappeared. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three …
I should have known they’d toot the horn, but it still didn’t stop me from jumping out of my skin. I heard them all laughing and jeering as per usual, as they tumbled out of the truck. All those times when I was growing up, I’d hate them ruffling my hair or picking me up and swinging me around as they clowned around in front of each other, but my Lord, how I missed it now.
As soon as I saw Tommy turn back to the car, I spun around and ran from the garage, taking his smile with me. Skipping along the main drag, past Mrs Kelland – who when not peering into her gin bottle, washed the town’s dirty laundry at the launderette – and back towards the house.
Pausing for breath, I finally managed to swallow. Glancing back over my shoulder, I looked up to the sky and saw the garage’s rusty sign shadowing the piercing sun. Taking a deep breath, I watched and waited until it popped back out from behind the sign, and I continued back on home.
Tommy lay in the bath, his pinky-white tummy protruding out of the soapy water. His breath was shallow. His hands trembled. How could this be? He didn’t think for a second it could be her, but Eli believed it. How in hell’s name had she got that idea into her head? Why now, after all this time?
No, he’d seen her like this before. Years ago. But it just seemed so ridiculous. What had she said? She ‘looked’ like her? Why would she even think that? She didn’t know what the hell she looked like. But, what if it had been her? God no, now he was being a fool.
Tommy sat up. The water splashed over the top. Small foamy puddles collected on the wooden floor. He took a slurp of beer. He really didn’t want Eli getting herself wound up again. And not tonight. It was bad enough having to have her family over for supper, never mind with this on her mind.
Tommy could have done without them here. Didn’t he spend enough time with them at the garage? He shook his head at the thought of Eli’s Ma. Oh, he coped with her all right. He’d put up with her for the past God knows how many years, but he hated the way she always found a way of putting Eli down. Wasn’t she tired of it? He wasn’t even sure she knew she was doing it half the time. And why Eli put up with it, he couldn’t understand. After everything, even now, she tried to please her Ma.
Tommy respected Pa Bell. A man of few words, like himself. He’d given him a break at the garage all those years back, but still, a dinner with Trudy lauding something or other over Eli made him shake his head.
He heard Eli mooching around downstairs. The smell of fried chicken wafted through the crack under the door. Did she realize how absurd she was being? He hated what had happened to her. Hated it. And he hated himself for it even more.
Tommy leaned back down in the tub and splashed warm water over his face. The thought made him sick even now. It was never going away. No matter how many years passed, how much they tried, there was no denying she was out there. Somewhere. But to think Eli had bumped into her, just like that. It was crazy talk.
Tommy knew Eli hadn’t forgotten her. Of course she hadn’t forgotten her. He hadn’t forgotten her. But they had managed to work their way through these years, without even mentioning her. What use was it? She was gone.
But gone where?
How could Eli not go through life, glancing at faces, wondering if that was her? He’d seen the way she was around children when they were younger. Hell, hadn’t he done the same? Not so much looking for her, but the thought of what could have been. Jesus, even now, it hurt. Tommy whacked his hand down into the water. They should have had kids. A whole bunch of them. But no, life seemed fit to punish them, and for what? Eli would have made an incredible Ma. Look at the way she treated him, treated his own Ma when she was alive.
Tommy thought about all the years gone by. How out of the blue, he’d seen Eli go rigid, the colour draining from her face when she saw some news item or other and leaned towards the television, staring at some random young woman. She hadn’t noticed he’d noticed, too tied up with thoughts jangling around her head, wondering if it was her. But he had, and he’d seen how anxious she would get for weeks after, how distracted she would be until finally, she’d be back to normal again.
They never talked about it. Hell, he wouldn’t even know what to say. He’d come home sometimes and see her eyes were red, but even when he mooted something was up, she’d snap at him and tell him it was just the dust. So he just put it down to ‘women’s things’ and nothing more would be said.
Yes, it’d be just one of those times. It’d be forgotten about, just like the others.
My ‘sweet sixteen’ had passed with barely a word. My Ma – whose face had soured over the years – had wrapped up a vanity case she found in some sale and passed it to me over breakfast that morning when the boys had gone to work; but as soon as I’d opened it, she was back out on the porch sweeping the dust onto the yard.
The