remarked a Spectre who Was doing all that Ghosts can do To welcome the new-comer. “In Villas this is always done— However cheaply rented: For, though of course there’s less of fun When there is only room for one, Ghosts have to be contented. “That Spectre left you on the Third— Since then you’ve not been haunted: For, as he never sent us word, ’Twas quite by accident we heard That any one was wanted. “A Spectre has first choice, by right, In filling up a vacancy; Then Phantom, Goblin, Elf, and Sprite— If all these fail them, they invite The nicest Ghoul that they can see. “The Spectres said the place was low, And that you kept bad wine: So, as a Phantom had to go, And I was first, of course, you know, I couldn’t well decline.” “No doubt,” said I, “they settled who Was fittest to be sent: Yet still to choose a brat like you, To haunt a man of forty-two, Was no great compliment!” “I’m not so young, Sir,” he replied, “As you might think. The fact is, In caverns by the water-side, And other places that I’ve tried, I’ve had a lot of practice: “But I have never taken yet A strict domestic part, And in my flurry I forget The Five Good Rules of Etiquette We have to know by heart.” My sympathies were warming fast Towards the little fellow: He was so utterly aghast At having found a Man at last, And looked so scared and yellow.
“IN CAVERNS BY THE WATER-SIDE”
“At least,” I said, “I’m glad to find A Ghost is not a dumb thing! But pray sit down: you’ll feel inclined (If, like myself, you have not dined) To take a snack of something: “Though, certainly, you don’t appear A thing to offer food to! And then I shall be glad to hear— If you will say them loud and clear— The Rules that you allude to.” “Thanks! You shall hear them by and by This is a piece of luck!” “What may I offer you?” said I. “Well, since you are so kind, I’ll try A little bit of duck. “One slice! And may I ask you for Another drop of gravy?” I sat and looked at him in awe, For certainly I never saw A thing so white and wavy.
And still he seemed to grow more white, More vapoury, and wavier— Seen in the dim and flickering light, As he proceeded to recite His “Maxims of Behaviour.”
“My First—but don’t suppose,” he said, “I’m setting you a riddle— Is—if your Victim be in bed, Don’t touch the curtains at his head, But take them in the middle, “And wave them slowly in and out, While drawing them asunder; And in a minute’s time, no doubt, He’ll raise his head and look about With eyes of wrath and wonder. “And here you must on no pretence Make the first observation. Wait for the Victim to commence: No Ghost of any common sense Begins a conversation.
“If he should say ‘How came you here?’ (The way that you began, Sir,) In such a case your course is clear— ‘On the bat’s back, my little dear!’ Is the appropriate answer. “If after this he says no more, You’d best perhaps curtail your Exertions—go and shake the door, And then, if he begins to snore, You’ll know the thing’s a failure.
“By day, if he should be alone— At home or on a walk— You merely give a hollow groan, To indicate the kind of tone In which you mean to talk. “But if you find him with his friends, The thing is rather harder. In such a case success depends On picking up some candle-ends, Or butter, in the larder. “With this you make a kind of slide (It answers best with suet), On which you must contrive to glide, And swing yourself from side to side— One soon learns how to do it. “The Second tells us what is right In ceremonious calls:— ‘First burn a blue or crimson light’ (A thing I quite forgot to-night), ‘Then scratch the door or walls.’”
“AND SWING YOURSELF FROM SIDE TO SIDE”
I said “You’ll visit here no more, If you attempt the Guy. I’ll have no bonfires on my floor— And, as for scratching at the door, I’d like to see you try!” “The Third was written to protect The interests of the Victim, And tells us, as I recollect, To treat him with a grave respect,And not to contradict him.” “That’s plain,” said I, “as Tare and Tret, To any comprehension: I only wish some Ghosts I’ve met Would not so constantly forget The maxim that you mention!” “Perhaps,” he said, “you first transgressed The laws of hospitality: All Ghosts instinctively detest The Man that fails to treat his guest With proper cordiality.
“If you address a Ghost as ‘Thing!’ Or strike him with a hatchet, He is permitted by the King To drop all formal parleying— And then you’re sure to catch it! “The Fourth prohibits trespassing Where other Ghosts are quartered: And those convicted of the thing (Unless when pardoned by the King) Must instantly be slaughtered. “That simply means ‘be cut up small’: Ghosts soon unite anew: The process scarcely hurts at all— Not more than when you’re what you call ‘Cut up’ by a Review. “The Fifth is one you may prefer That I should quote entire:— The King must be addressed as ‘Sir.’This, from a simple courtier,Is all the Laws require: “But, should you wish to do the thing With out-and-out politeness, Accost him as ‘My Goblin King!’And always use, in answering, The phrase ‘Your Royal Whiteness!’ “I’m getting rather hoarse, I fear, After so much reciting: So, if you don’t object, my dear, We’ll try a glass of bitter beer— I think it looks inviting.”
“And did you really walk,” said I, “On such a wretched night? I always fancied Ghosts could fly— If not exactly in the sky, Yet at a fairish height.” “It’s very well,” said he, “for Kings To soar above the earth: But Phantoms often find that wings— Like many other pleasant things— Cost more than they are worth. “Spectres of course are rich, and so Can buy them from the Elves: But we prefer to keep below— They’re stupid company, you know. For any but themselves:
“For, though they claim to be exempt From pride, they treat a Phantom As something quite beneath contempt— Just as no Turkey ever
