The Twelve Chairs / Двенадцать стульев. Книга для чтения на английском языке. Илья Ильф
give them to me?»
«Why should I have given them to you when you squandered away my daughter's estate?» said the old woman quietly and viciously. Ippolit Matveyevich sat down and immediately stood up again.
His heart was noisily sending the blood coursing around his body. He began to hear a ringing in his ears.
«But you took them out again, didn't you? They're here, aren't they?»
The old woman shook her head.
«I didn't have time. You remember how quickly and unexpectedly we had to flee. They were left in the chair… the one between the terracotta lamp and the fireplace».
«But that was madness! You're just like your daughter», shouted Ippolit Matveyevich loudly.
And no longer concerned for the fact that he was at the bedside of a dying woman, he pushed back his chair with a crash and began prancing about the room.
«I suppose you realize what may have happened to the chairs? Or do you think they're still there in the drawing-room in my house, quietly waiting for you to come and get your jewellery?» The old woman did not answer.
The registry clerk's wrath was so great that the pince-nez fell of his nose and landed on the floor with a tinkle, the gold nosepiece glittering as it passed his knees.
«What? Seventy thousand roubles' worth of jewellery hidden in a chair! Heaven knows who may sit on that chair!»
At this point Claudia Ivanovna gave a sob and leaned forward with her whole body towards the edge of the bed. Her hand described a semi-circle and reached out to grasp Ippolit Matveyevich, but then fell back on to the violet down quilt. Squeaking with fright, Ippolit Matveyevich ran to fetch his neighbour. «I think she's dying», he cried.
The agronomist crossed herself in a businesslike way and, without hiding her curiosity, hurried into Ippolit Matveyevich's house, accompanied by her bearded husband, also an agronomist. In distraction Vorobyaninov wandered into the municipal park.
While the two agronomists and their servants tidied up the deceased woman's room, Ippolit Matveyevich roamed around the park, bumping into benches and mistaking for bushes the young couples numb with early spring love.
The strangest things were going on in Ippolit Matveyevich's head. He could hear the sound of gypsy choirs and orchestras composed of big-breasted women playing the tango over and over again; he imagined the Moscow winter and a long-bodied black trotter that snorted contemptuously at the passers-by. He imagined many different things: a pair of deliriously expensive orange-coloured panties, slavish devotion, and a possible trip to Cannes. Ippolit Matveyevich began walking more slowly and suddenly stumbled over the form of Bezenchuk the undertaker. The latter was asleep, lying in the middle of the path in his fur coat. The jolt woke him up. He sneezed and stood up briskly.
«Now don't you worry, Mr Vorobyaninov», he said heatedly, continuing the conversation started a while before. «There's lots of work goes into a coffin».
«Claudia Ivanovna's dead», his client informed him.
«Well, God rest her soul», said Bezenchuk. «So the old lady's passed away. Old ladies pass away … or they depart this life. It depends who she is. Yours, for instance, was small and plump, so she passed away. But if it's one who's a bit bigger and thinner, then they say she has departed this life…».
«What do you mean ‘they say'? Who says?»
«We say. The undertakers. Now you, for instance. You're distinguished-lookin' and tall, though a bit on the thin side. If you should die, God forbid, they'll say you popped off. But a tradesman, who belonged to the former merchants' guild, would breathe his last. And if it's someone of lower status, say a caretaker, or a peasant, we say he has croaked or gone west. But when the high-ups die, say a railway conductor or someone in administration, they say he has kicked the bucket. They say: „You know our boss has kicked the bucket, don't you?“»
Shocked by this curious classification of human mortality, Ippolit Matveyevich asked:
«And what will the undertakers say about you when you die?»
«I'm small fry. They'll say, ‘Bezenchuk's gone', and nothin' more».
And then he added grimly:
«It's not possible for me to pop off or kick the bucket; I'm too small. But what about the coffin, Mr Vorobyaninov? Do you really want one without tassels and brocade?»
But Ippolit Matveyevich, once more immersed in dazzling dreams, walked on without answering. Bezenchuk followed him, working something out on his fingers and muttering to himself, as he always did.
The moon had long since vanished and there was a wintry cold. Fragile, wafer-like ice covered the puddles. The companions came out on Comrade Gubernsky Street, where the wind was tussling with the hanging shop-signs. A fire-engine drawn by skinny horses emerged from the direction of Staropan Square with a noise like the lowering of a blind.
Swinging their canvas legs from the platform, the firemen wagged their helmeted heads and sang in intentionally tuneless voices:
«Glory to our fire chief,
Glory to dear Comrade Pumpoff!»
«They've been havin' a good time at Nicky's wedding», remarked Bezenchuk nonchalantly. «He's the fire chief's son». And he scratched himself under his coat. «So you really want it without tassels and brocade?»
By that moment Ippolit Matveyevich had finally made up his mind. «I'll go and find them», he decided, «and then we'll see». And in his jewel-encrusted visions even his deceased mother-in-law seemed nicer than she had actually been. He turned to Bezenchuk and said:
«Go on then, damn you, make it! With brocade! And tassels!»
Chapter Three. The Parable of the Sinner
Having heard the dying Claudia Ivanovna's confession, Father Theodore Vostrikov, priest of the Church of St. Frol and St. Laurence, left Vorobyaninov's house in a complete daze and the whole way home kept looking round him distractedly and smiling to himself in confusion. His bewilderment became so great in the end that he was almost knocked down by the district-executive-committee motor-car, Gos. No. 1. Struggling out of the cloud of purple smoke issuing from the infernal machine, Father Vostrikov reached the stage of complete distraction, and, despite his venerable rank and middle age, finished the journey at a frivolous half-gallop.
His wife, Catherine, was laying the table for supper. On the days when there was no evening service to conduct, Father Theodore liked to have his supper early. This time, however, to his wife's surprise, the holy father, having taken off his hat and warm padded cassock, skipped past into the bedroom, locked himself in and began chanting the prayer «It Is Meet» in a tuneless voice.
His wife sat down on a chair and whispered in alarm:
«He's up to something again».
Father Theodore's tempestuous soul knew no rest, nor had ever known it. Neither at the time when he was Theo, a pupil of the Russian Orthodox Church school, nor when he was Theodore Ivanych, a bewhiskered student at the college. Having left the college and studied law at the university for three years in 1915 Vostrikov became afraid of the possibility of mobilization and returned to the Church. He was first anointed a deacon, then ordained a priest and appointed to the regional centre of N. But the whole time, at every stage of his clerical and secular career, Father Theodore never lost interest in worldly possessions.
He cherished the dream of possessing his own candle factory. Tormented by the vision of thick ropes of wax winding on to the factory drums, Father Theodore devised various schemes that would bring in enough basic capital to buy a little factory in Samara which he had had his eye on for some time.
Ideas occurred to Father Theodore unexpectedly, and when they did he used to get down to work on the spot. He once started making a marble-like washing-soap; he made pounds and pounds of it, but despite an enormous fat content, the soap would not lather, and it cost twice as much as the Hammer and Plough brand, to boot. For a long time after it remained in the liquid state gradually decomposing on the porch of the house,