The Lodger. Valery Osinsky
want, I talk to them. Maybe they will agree to arrange your marriage. Live at me for a while. And then we decide…»
Forgetting to chew, I swallowed and scalded the palate. Looked at the woman. Why did she help me? Wanted to keep me next to her? Upon the whole, this is her matter.
«It will take money,» I agreed, thinking. «I have no so much.»
«My father left family jewels, listed in the catalog. I’ll show them to you somehow. Unique collection. You will give the girl something like as your own. When you earn, you will return the money.»
«Are you not afraid that I will deceive you? You do not know me at all!»
«Afraid!» she answered half seriously. «But you want to stay in Moscow? And I hope your uncle will help me deal with you, if anything goes wrong!»
We smiled.
I snuggled up my cheek against Kurushina’s hand and she gently smoothed my hair.
But at twenty, I no longer believed in the selflessness of people. To trust a person, one must possess his soul.
4
Before the army, for my uncle’s birthday, I was introduced to the family of his college mate. And with their daughter, my age and friend of the sisters.
Nelia was a shy, quiet, slender, sharp-nosed, blond, curly hair, anemic, angular face. She was shy about her appearance. But she had her own judgments and, in my opinion, like me, she barely tolerated the Raevsky idle talk. Her father – he seems to have owned a sewing workshop – he didn’t stint on his daughter. Nelia always dressed well. My sisters were jealous of her, and they were angry when someone started talking about a girl.
Before the army I two or three times invited Nelia in the cafe. In her presence on me as if put on a steel corset, in the head poured sawdust, and tongue was sewed to the palate with boot nails. Shyness seems to have brought us closer. From army, I remember, I wrote it several letters.
In almost two and a half years I have changed: not Casanova, but not «dandelion». So far, as they say the army, I «dragged the service», mother, modest head of the kindergarten, saved up some money and dressed her beloved son in fashionable at the time belongings. Expensive denim suit «Levis», Polaroids glasses, sneakers – real Adidas! – and a gold thread around neck. Even as a high school student, in worn, ankle-length trousers, hated to tears, I caught myself curious glances of girls. But was imagining their disappointment with my shirt, faded from washing, and the school jacket, which were wiped on the sleeves, and rather ran away. Army khaki changes the view of fashion. I always cut my hair short and shaved smoothly. Plus I tanned for two months of beach indulgence in between working as a dishwasher in a resort hotel.
The next day after my arrival, I went to the store where Nelia (according to data from two months ago from the sisters) passed the Institute’s practice.
She’s grown up, and let’s just say: took shape in woman. But her summer freckles, her fragile, bird like feet, hands, fuzz on the forearms and shyness resembled the erstwhile Nelia.
In cafe «Space» on the second floor we with the girl sipped champagne from wine glasses and picked tin spoons ice cream in plastic cups on long legs. Barely smoldering conversation seemed again brought us closer. Scurrying waitresses in starched aprons and branded caps, children indulged at the next table, a dozen students pushed the chairs together and were discharging the stuffiness with bursts of laughter.
I didn’t tell Nele about the main thing: about intentions in this city. In those years, the registration in Moscow meant the work to choose, and not on limit, made me «white bone», in my opinion, equal to Muscovites. I was not allowed in the front door of Moscow, forced to Dodge between the hooks of the laws. After the summer trips to my uncle it seemed to me: Muscovites, polite and friendly in the subway or a stone’s throw from the store which visitors need, as border guards were repelling the invasion of extraneous in their world. You can make the right connections here, as in any new place, through friends I don’t have. My gloomy fantasies would be amazed Nelia. But I was afraid to open my ugly world to her.
I walked the girl home. And asked not to tell the Rayevskys, that I was back.
Her heels tapped loudly under the arch of the house. And I, clasping hands behind my back, thought: neither Nelia, nor the other girl that Kurushina spoke of, I will not marry. The landlady is the most suitable victim.
5
The case helped me.
One writer has this: in the catechism of the virtues and dignities of modern man, the ability to acquire money, almost the main point. Compatriots same from century in age, not only do not able to acquire, without stealing, but also spend in vain and ugly. However, everyone wants to settle in life. I am no exception. Like many egoists, I am lazy and impatient. I want to get everything effortlessly. And that would not come up with a poor woman, or anyone else, for my benefit, I already subconsciously rejected benefactor’s efforts. Is it possible to rely on the whim of a man who suddenly will missed his cozy loneliness, will discerned a wretch in me and will recoiled. No, put someone else’s soul at my disposal!
Why do I need Kurasina’s kindness? Why do I need her awakened maternal feeling? I don’t give a damn about him! I have a native mother. I needed everything she owned. I needed to get caught in this town. After all, wild, boundless power – even over a fly – is also a kind of bliss. Man is a despot by nature and loves to be a tormentor. Would you call that cynicism? Shucks! I’m not going to kill anyone or rob anyone for some stupid idea of universal happiness. It doesn’t matter who wants to give themselves to me. Easy success is my idol. In twenty years, I’ve had enough of the miserable life of the mother, relatives, friends and the poor honest fools, a hundred-year succession of work, patience, mind, character, firm calculation, stork on the roof!
You know, I love people: soft, pliable material in capable hands! Master the skill of its processing, and your success will amaze everyone!
In twenty – about women I have were the next views!
To like them, you need to grasp a few general rules: no stereotypes of behavior, ability to navigate by circumstances, bolder fantasize, to be witty, assertive and try to offer bullshit nontrivially. Cunning, invent the most outlandish tricks, grovel before a woman! And wasted! If you don’t understand the innermost of her. And if you understand: say and do platitudes, and you will be forgiven. It is important to consider whether a woman’s heart is busy, a lot depends on the charm, from… There are many wisdoms are known to the person who is looking for! There are no impregnable fortresses, there are untalented warlords. Yes! God forbid you waste your time on dullard. But if you are attracted to women of primitive mind, pander to them: speak easier so that you are understood, not scared of you, and you in fools not remained.
In short, I knew nothing about women.
On word believe me: mentally I’m normal; in any case, I did not turn to a specialist. (Although, this does not mean health!) Those months disgust me and make me feel sorry for the granny. But even my remorse are too lazy to fight the scoundrel inside of me. However to get to the point.
I reasoned so. It is accepted that pornographic films are mostly watched by men, not women. Even in public, a man leafing through a spicy magazine, and a woman – no: from shyness, from shame, disgust… But every observant person will find at least one reverse example in the behavior of those and other. In ten years old on a crowded beach I saw a middle-aged woman, with a slack belly and a «lifeline» on the sides, covered with a wide-brimmed Panama hat and dark glasses, near the men’s locker room, for, as they say, there was no place to fall an apple. She turned to face the bars of the locker room, arranged with half-open blinds, when the cell was occupied by young men. Later I looked at the oblique cut of the boards from her corner and found: the locker room is visible