Integrity. Anna Borgeryd
questions. I think I made Stavenius go haywire.’
‘No, he appreciated your interest,’ said Cissi, thinking she was speaking the truth. ‘And such students are in short supply. By the way, you know that it was Peter who fixed the dorm room for you?’
‘I thought it was you and Kalle.’ Vera suddenly felt a little discomfort in her stomach.
‘No, I don’t know Kalle; it was Peter who talked to him.’
Vera couldn’t understand why he, of all people, would have done anything for her, but she pushed the question away. Once they had settled themselves in a quiet corner with their vegetarian pasta Vera said: ‘Now it’s my turn to listen to you. Who is Cecilia Åström?’
Cissi cocked her head and observed Vera as she took her first bite. She started to talk about her childhood in a village a little to the south, about her parents’ passion for dressing unique individuals. How she and her older sister had grown up in the family’s stylish clothing store, which people from the city flocked to because of the exceptional service. There was something about Vera’s quiet openness that led Cissi to tell her things that she didn’t mention to many people. For example, the sad ending to the story of the family clothing store. When Vera asked why they were forced to close, Cissi shrugged her shoulders and said, ‘Increased competition and new shopping habits.’
Nonetheless, Vera could see that something important lived on, because when Cissi talked about things that ‘really fit’, her eyes shone with enthusiasm. ‘It’s all about starting from what you’ve got. And paying attention to detail and how things go together. It’s hard to explain. I still think like that, even in this job.’
‘Yeah, it can be like that,’ answered Vera. ‘Me, I think that health and economics are connected.’
‘Yes, right… speaking of that. The thing is, the department has won a contest.’
‘Oh?’ said Vera and put down her knife and fork.
‘It is a big research project about securing future well-being and welfare. The first thing we’re going to do is write a book, with different authors for each chapter.’
Vera listened thoughtfully, heard Cissi talk about ‘multi-disciplinary’ and ‘alternative perspectives,’ but didn’t understand why she was telling her all this. Not until Cissi came right out and said, ‘We want you to be involved and describe the landscape.’
‘What?’
‘Yeah, we want you to write one of the chapters. Well, you have to do an interview first, and show the old guard in the department that you aren’t completely clueless about economics, but I can help you prepare.’
Vera’s heart pounded and Cissi continued enthusiastically. ‘The goal is to help create conditions that secure people’s future, in Sweden and Europe. It’s actually an opportunity to make a difference!’
Is it possible? That influential people will listen to what a nurse has to say about welfare?
For a dizzying instant, Vera strongly felt the antenna that, for so long, had connected her to the meaning of the universe. It was a glittering second, but then the force that called itself realism spoke instead.
‘You know… my mother told me that a full-time, temporary position at the geriatric home where I work is probably going to become available. Somebody has a chronic shoulder problem. If so, I’ll probably take it.’
Cissi stared at Vera. ‘I thought… I thought you if anyone… Didn’t you say you wanted to do something for the world? You realized that the economic system has such an impact on the world that you would be able to do more if you understood how it worked? And answer that question: “Little brothers and sisters, what are you doing?’”
‘Yeah.’ Vera’s heart beat harder. Her brain felt like mush, her thoughts slow and elusive. She was reminded of Pierre’s words… What was it he used to say with that accent that made his words feel like butterflies? Be careful what you wish for. It may come true. Wasn’t this one of those times? What was keeping Vera from accepting the peculiar mission that had kept her afloat in recent months? Wasn’t it a miraculous coincidence that she had been sustained by what most people would call an unrealistic ambition and then suddenly been offered a chance to pursue it? A chance to give it a try in reality?
It was the word ‘reality’ that made Vera see the obstacle so clearly. She said, ‘but I need a job because, to be honest, I’m… insolvent.’ It was a new word for broke that she had learned. ‘I mean, I don’t even know if I can continue taking the introductory course.’
Cissi saw that the solution was right in front of her. She didn’t feel the same spontaneous happiness about it, but she was supposed to work a miracle. ‘If it’s money you need then we can fix it. You get a stipend of 40,000 kronor this semester and the same amount in the spring if you write a chapter.’
Vera stared at Cissi as if she were offering manna from heaven. Now there was nothing else to blame it on. Now it was only courage that she needed. And her urge to take on the task was so strong that she would just have to develop courage along the way. ‘Oh!… Thanks! I mean, yes, thanks! I’d love to write a chapter!’
Almost all of Vera’s things were at Adam’s, in the apartment in Stockholm. She really needed to go there, if for no other reason than to retrieve most of her clothes. After five weeks in the dorm, when the fall chill began to come, she particularly missed her dark jeans and forest-green wool sweater with the large, cozy collar.
It was strange. She could no longer bring herself to entertain the thought of going home. But a trip to Stockholm. It would have to be at the weekend, in two weeks: the beginning of October. She took a deep breath. Then perhaps her mother and Eva would also stop asking. In recent weeks her mother had started talking about ‘for better or worse’, and Vera knew very well what she was referring to. It wasn’t always a matter of doing what you felt like. She had made a promise.
Besides, she had basically already told Adam that she would come.
9
Peter’s fall semester was exciting. Maybe a little too exciting, he found himself thinking. It was damned good luck that he hadn’t agreed to participate in that strange welfare project. His active social life hardly left him time to study and go to jujutsu.
He often went out with friends, and he frequently took some girl home with him. Sandra was kind of half-steady, even if he had never promised her anything. Linda called quite often, and she was always fun to be with. And then there was that pretty, new graduate student, the little blonde, Jeanette. That had also become a little too exciting. Peter had only just turned 24, but he still wondered if he was starting to get old, if he worried about such a trifle when the girl didn’t seem to care.
To say that Jeanette had been eager was an understatement. Single-minded didn’t do her justice! She had suggested that they meet at the gym, and after a workout at the palace-like training complex on campus, they walked the short distance home to Stipend Lane. Once he had shut the door to his dorm room, very few minutes passed before she wanted to do it in the shower, and Peter wasn’t the type who refused. He had definitely been right… She had glorious, firm, almost swollen, natural breasts, and she was uncomplicatedly turned on. Simply put, it was good sex. Unusually good for a first time, Peter noted. But they didn’t notice until afterwards that the condom had broken. Peter got a cold lump in his stomach. Jeanette, on the other hand, took it remarkably calmly. She showered, dried herself off on his only clean towel, dropped it on the floor, got dressed and left with a smiling, ‘See you!’
Peter didn’t really know what was worrying him. When he was younger he would never even have thought about the minimal risk that Jeanette might, for example, have HIV. It was true that he had had to take a chlamydia test once, when one of his one-night stands had turned out to be infected. That had been no fun at all. He