The New Father. Armin A. Brott
one day it’s just you and your partner, the next day you’ve got a baby. But for the most part, fatherhood is a gradual, ever-changing process that will last your entire lifetime. Most of us develop and change along fairly predictable lines, but the journey is always a little different for everyone.
The first year may be the most important one in your development as a father. It’s the time when you start forming those all-important parent-child bonds and start laying the foundation of your lifelong relationship with each other. It’s also especially interesting because the growth and development you experience during these first twelve months is kind of a condensed version of what you’ll go through over the rest of your life as a parent.
Each of the chapters is divided into several major sections:
What’s Going On with the Baby
This short section is designed to give you an overview of the four major areas of your baby’s development: physical, intellectual, verbal, and emotional/social. A lot of what you’re going to experience as a father is directly related to, or in response to, your children. So knowing the basics of your baby’s growth will help put your own growth into better perspective. Please remember, however, that babies develop at different rates, and that the range of “normal” behavior is very wide. If your baby isn’t doing the things covered in the predicted month, don’t worry. But if he’s more than a few months behind, check with your pediatrician.
What You’re Going Through
Because the things new dads think, worry, panic, dream, and rejoice about have largely been ignored in parenting books, many men think the feelings and concerns they have are abnormal. In this section we dig deep into what new fathers go through and the ways they grow and develop—emotionally and psychologically—over the course of their fatherhood. You’re a lot more normal than you think.
But wait, there’s more . . .
What’s Going On with Your Partner
One of the most important parts of being a good dad is being a good spouse. That’s why I’m including special sections in the first several chapters that deal with your partner’s physical, emotional, and psychological recovery and specific ways you can help.
You and Your Baby
This section gives you all the tools you need to understand and create the deepest, closest possible relationship with your child—even if you have only half an hour a day to spend with her. In this section we cover topics as diverse as play, music, reading, discipline, and temperament.
Family Matters
A number of the chapters feature a “Family Matters” section in which we discuss a variety of issues that will have a major impact not only on you but also on your family as a whole. Topics include dealing with crying, postpartum depression (which men get too!), childproofing, family finances, and finding appropriate child care. Many chapters also include a special “You and Your Partner” section that focuses on specific topics that may affect your relationship with the mother of your children.
WHY GET INVOLVED?
First, because it’s good for your kids, your partner, and even yourself:
• For your baby. Numerous studies have shown that the more involved dads are with their infants, the better they perform on all sorts of intelligence tests. Babies who are deprived of quality time with their fathers in the first year of life often have problems forming stable relationships later in life. Apparently, not having a dad around makes it hard for children to develop the kinds of behavior that other children value. In addition, the more actively involved dads are with their babies, the more physically coordinated they are. They also feel more comfortable around strangers and handle stressful situations better.
• For your partner and your marriage. Division-of-labor issues are one of the top causes of marital stress. The more involved you are and the more emotionally supportive, the happier your partner will be and the better she’ll perform her parenting duties. Men whose partners are happy in their relationships tend to be happier themselves. And men who are happy in their relationships are generally more involved as dads. It just never ends—and there’s no reason why it should.
• For you. As we’ll discuss throughout this book, being an involved father will affect you in a number of ways. You’ll learn to feel, express, and manage emotions (positive, negative, and everything in between) you never knew you had. You’ll be more empathetic and better able to see things from others’ perspectives. Plus, dads who are actively involved with their children tend to be mentally and physically healthier and are more likely to advance in their careers. It can also change the way you think about yourself. “Fathering often helps men to clarify their values and to set priorities,” writes my colleague Ross Parke, one of the pioneers in fatherhood research. “It may enhance their self-esteem if they manage its demands and responsibilities well, or alternatively, it may be unsettling and depressing by revealing their limitations and weaknesses. Fathers can learn from their children and be matured by them.”
A NOTE ON TERMINOLOGY
He, She, It
In the not-so-distant past (and the present, too, really) parenting books, in which the parent is assumed to be the mother, almost always referred to the baby as “he.” While there’s an argument to be made that in English the male pronoun is sort of a generic term, as the father of three girls, I wanted to see at least an occasional “she,” just to let me know that what I was reading might actually apply to my children. But as a writer, I find that phrases like “his or her,” “he or she,” and especially “s/he” make for cumbersome reading and awkward sentences and I really don’t like using “they” as a singular. “It” doesn’t seem like the right word to use when talking about a human being, and those manufactured gender-neutral pronouns (such as “ni,” “nirs,” “xe,” and “xyrs”) aren’t yet ready for prime time. The solution? I’m simply going to alternate between “he” and “she” one chapter at a time. Except in a few specific cases (circumcision, for example), the terms are interchangeable.
Your Partner in Parenting
In much the same way that calling all babies “he” discounts the experience of all the “shes” out there, calling all mothers “wives” essentially denies the existence of the many, many other women who have children: girlfriends, lovers, live-in companions, fiancées, and so on. So, to keep from making any kind of statement about the importance (or lack of importance, depending on how you feel) of marriage, I refer to the mother of your child as “your partner,” just as I did in The Expectant Father: The Ultimate Guide for Dads-to-Be.
IF SOME OF THIS SOUNDS A LITTLE FAMILIAR …
If you read The Expectant Father (and if you didn’t, it’s not too late), you may notice that there’s a little bit of overlap between the end of that book and the early part of this book. I assure you that this repetition of material is less the result of laziness on my part than of the necessity born of having to cover several of the same important topics in both books. After all, the birth that ends a pregnancy is the same one that launches a childhood.
WHAT THIS BOOK ISN’T
While there’s no doubt that this book is filled with information you can’t get anywhere else, it is not intended to take the place of your pediatrician, financial planner, or lawyer. Naturally, I wouldn’t suggest that you do anything I wouldn’t do (or haven’t done already). Still, before blindly following my advice, please save us both a lot of unnecessary worry, and check with an appropriate professional.
Congratulations, You’re a Dad!
WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THE BABY
Physically
• Although most of your newborn’s physical capabilities are run by a series of reflexes (see pages 60–61),