A Conspiracy to Love: Living a Life of Joy, Generosity, and Power (Revised Edition). River Jr. Smith
weighing on your mind, reaching out to someone you want to know, or someone you miss, getting that massage or pedicure, whatever “floats your boat.”
And remember your gratitude list.
It is gratitude that enables us to receive and it is gratitude that motivates us to return the goodness that we have been given. In short, it is gratitude that enables us to be fully human. Robert Emmons
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Albert Einstein
More Gratitude: I am grateful to Ed for teaching me to read and not really wanting to set me on fire. Grateful for my cousins Marilyn, Jeanie, Meem, Annie, and Faye for educating me about the feminine in the universe. I’m grateful for Jimmy Z., Ronnie B., and Michael G. for their friendship so many years ago, and to Jenkins for helping me on the path to understand my racism. I’m grateful to Rick for helping me make peace with water and claim my name. I’m grateful for Mary Ann and Carla for bringing their love into our family. I’m grateful to Marlo for bringing her love and her family into my life. I’m grateful to Emma Goldman and Tom Paine for their inspiration. I’m grateful for militant non-violent revolutionaries every-where. I’m grateful for the word energy of Alice Walker, Marge Piercy, and John Stoltenberg. I’m grateful for rich dark creamy chocolate, fresh strawberries, and ripe bananas….
YOU ASKED FOR IT!
Learning how to get what you want (most of the time)
Some Stories:
Jack, a graduate of one of our batterers groups, told us a story at one of our extended support group meetings.
“For a long time my agreement with my wife was that she was to do the wash and I was supposed to pick up the dog crap in the backyard. Now I’ve got two, just two shirts I wear for bowling, and for years she always made sure one of them was clean each week. Then a couple months ago, suddenly I went to get my shirt, and it wasn’t there. She wasn’t home, so I went down to the laundry room, and sure enough, I found both my shirts in the dirty clothes pile. So, I figured what the hell, I’ll wear something else tonight. And that was fine. Then about two weeks later, the same thing happened again. It happened again two weeks later. And then she did the same thing this week. I tried to give her a hint last week about being sure she washed everything when she came upstairs with the clothes. She didn’t get it, so I figured I’d get the message across to her. So I didn’t pick up the crap at all last week, and with four dogs that’s a lot of crap. She was playing in the backyard with our niece yesterday, and they both stepped in a pile. When she came in all bent out of shape, I just said don’t talk to me, until you start cleaning up the crap you’re supposed to clean up. She got all outraged, and we almost got into a major blow up. I took a time out.”
My client, April, told me one day that she felt like punching her little sister. At the time, April was clearly a non-violent, easy going person. Her younger sister was staying at April’s place.
“So, what makes you want to punch Denise?”
“She’s just so selfish!”
I acknowledged that selfishness can be a problem, and asked how Denise was being selfish.
“She just is. She doesn’t think about anybody else’s needs.”
“Is there anything she’s doing in relation to your needs? Anything that‘s particularly bugging you about her selfishness today?”
“Yes. She won’t go out tonight.” April proceeded to explain to me that in the three weeks that Denise had been there, April and her partner had not had the opportunity to be alone, and this night was the anniversary of the first time she and Joyce, her partner, had made love.
“I asked Denise if she could find something to do tonight, and she told me she doesn’t know anybody, and doesn’t have any place to go. So she‘d rather not go out.”
Roger lent his friend and long time neighbor some money over a month ago when she was in a bind. She had promised to return it as soon as she got her check. They’ve seen each other a number of times since then, but she hasn’t said a word about the money. Last night he saw her getting a pizza delivery, and he reports feeling hurt and angry since then.
HOW TO INCREASE THE CHANCES OF GETTING WHAT I WANT
OBSERVE THE UNIVERSAL RULE:
It is MY job to make it as easy as possible for another person to give me what I want.
Please repeat that statement between three and thirty times: It is MY job to make it as easy as possible for another person to give me what I want.
It is MY job…… (maybe you should keep a hand mirror next to you--and look into it as you say it again---or video yourself saying it, and play it back as you say it--)
It is MY job to ….. and again. It is my job to…. Whose job is it?
FOUR STEPS TOWARDS SUCCESSFULLY DOING THAT JOB:
1. Get in touch with what I feel.
2. Get clear about what I want from this person in this situation.
3. Make a direct statement of feeling.
4. Ask for what I want.
THE FIRST STEP is particularly hard for most men. We are taught from our earliest years to ignore most of our feelings. Anger is acceptable. Excitement is acceptable, but we have little experience allowing ourselves to stay with our hurt, or fear, or feelings of abandonment, or really gushy elation. Believe me, this training gets in the way of getting what you really want or need.
While women struggle less with getting in touch with feelings, it still can be a problem acknowledging them because you are taught that your feelings are just not that important or silly.
Nevertheless, it’s important to know what you’re feeling if you’re going to get what you actually want.
Feeling words:
Happy, confident, frightened, lonely, relieved, surprised, miserable, hurt, ecstatic, envious, pained, frustrated, determined, bored, worried, silly, lost, torn, awkward, adrift, anxious, excited, pleased, comfortable, shaky, disparaged, guilty, elated,….
So, once you’ve clarified for yourself what you feel, you must move to
THE SECOND STEP. There’s a simple logic at work here. We can’t ask for what we want if we don’t know what it is. For instance, you’re dependent on a co-worker’s input to complete a project today. You wait for her to show up. She comes in an hour late. In step one you get in touch with your feelings (anxiety, frustration, fear…..). Now what do you want from her? Acknowledgement that she was late? An apology? A commitment never to do it again? A commitment to put in extra time to finish the project? Assurance that she will take responsibility if the project doesn’t get completed on time? There are lots of possibilities, so you have to decide which you want from her.
THE THIRD STEP is difficult because we are just not used to making direct statements of our feelings. Both men and women feel vulnerable (there’s a feeling word) when we put our inner selves out there. Since men are trained against it (what are you--a little girl?), it’s particularly scary for us.
Nevertheless, research has shown that people are much more receptive to our requests when we have given them a glimpse of our feelings. So what is a direct statement of feelings? Sheila, I am very anxious about getting our project done, and I am hurt that you have come in so late, knowing what I might be going through. This sentence has the two key ingredients. The speaker takes owner-ship of her/his feelings (I) and the speaker names feelings: anxious, hurt.
How about this one? Sheila, I feel that you are really inconsiderate and irresponsible for keeping