Raising a Smile for Northern Ireland Children's Hospice. Brian Boone's Bailie
horpetrifibubble Juddleflizzy had me pinned against the floor!
The gharish, ghastly gnorpleschnak,
The humunganormous puffle
And I, with Kung-Fu valour
Fought the skipple to kerfuffle!
I was strimped across the undergrowth,
He bore horns and spines and claws and sting
And tusks and teeth,
But I, I had not anything!
It pounces flaring every frill!
I swaked from underneath my kilt
A Gnazourx axe with double hilt
To have that Juddleflizzy killed!
All within a microsecond
I saw the Juddleflizzy's mug,
The snoofy nuffler, then I reckoned,
Would skwirk if it just got a hug.
I dropped my axe and stretched my arms
And muppled up the beast with love,
Whispifying, slooked with charm,
“No hard feelings, bruv.”
Grimblegroobers? Piece of cake!
Greduffalonts; that's easy!
I share them both at breakfast
With my pet Juddleflizzy.
A Man of Letters by Brian
“S N-E 1 N ?”
“Who is it?”
“L-X-&-R. I M N D L-F-8-R.”
“Och, it’s great to see you again. Come on, on, on, on in.”
“F U R B-C I-L 1 O-A”
“No, I always have time for you, Alexander. Come in and look at these new beetles of mine.”
“N-6? R U X-M-N-N N-6? I 8 N-6”
“They’re just a bunch of harmless beetles. Come here and have a wee look.”
“O I C”
“Yes, aren’t they very interesting?”
“O S”
“I’ve been studying the blue beetle and the yellow beetle. Which beetle do you like?”
“L-O. S, E S D 1 2 C”
“Turn it over and look at all the little legs.”
“O! X-L-N. L-O N-6, I C U.”
“If you enjoy looking at these insects, maybe you’ll be interested in seeing my new pet?”
“S. S. S. O I M N X-T-C.”
“Calm down Alexander, if you get too excited you might scare it away. But you have to guess what it is first.”
“I N O.”
“Come on, guess.”
“N-6?”
“No. Bigger than an insect.”
“N N-M-L?”
“Yes, but guess which kind.”
“M,…… A C-L?”
“No. I almost bought one of those, but the man said my bath wasn’t big enough.”
“M,….. A D-R?”
“I had one of those last year, but it got caught in the headlights.”
“M,…. N N?”
“Oh, I’d love one of those, but you know I’m allergic to feathers, (although I would love to keep one to get nice fresh eggs each morning).”
“O! X. X R L-T 4 U. F U N-E X?”
“No, I’m sorry. There are no eggs left.”
“U 8 L D X?”
“I didn’t eat them all. My new pet ate them all up for his breakfast. Come on now, guess what my new pet is. Here’s a clue: he’s very big.”
“O! M,…. N L-F-N?”
“Yes, that’s right. But I think he’s a magic one, because every night I give him a nice new bed of hay, and every morning it’s all disappeared.”
“D A S L O-A?”
“Yes, I’ve no idea where it all goes to.”
“D L-F-N 8 L D A.”
“Do you think so? The man told me that this elephant only eats eggs.”
“D L-F-N 8 L D A 4 N-R-G.”
Grrr! If I’d known that I wouldn’t have given him all my eggs for breakfast. Doe! That’s really, really annoying. I love eggs. Grrrr,…. huff.”
“Y R U Y-N-N?”
“Because he ate all the hay, and then he ate all my lovely eggs. Bad elephant.”
“R U O-K?”
“Yes. I’m just really cross. He’s a very naughty elephant. Where did he go to?”
“E S N D I-V.”
“Aww, no! It took ages to grow that.”
“I N-V U.”
“Why? Because I have an elephant who eats his bed, and eats all my eggs, and is now destroying my garden?”
“I M 2 O-L 4 N L-F-N.”
“Well, elephants certainly can be very annoying, but you’re not too old to own one.”
“S I M. I F O-L H.”
“Catch yourself on. You’re not too old; not yet.”
“S I M. I M 2 O-L 4 N L-F-N.”
Yeah. Well maybe you’re right. But you have a lovely little pet bird, don’t you?”
“A J.”
“Yes. A jay. From India, isn’t it?”
“S. N N-D-N J. A B-U-T.”
“Oh, that sounds much better than an elephant.”
“S. N D J S X.”
“Really? How many does your jay lay each day?”
“N X-S F 5 X.”
“Five? Your jay lays more than five eggs each day?”
“S.”
“And you come to my house and ask me for my eggs?”
“S. X R L-T 4 U. X R 4 N-R-G.”
“Aww! That’s just greedy. Why you’re just as bad as my greedy elephant.”
“M I?”
“Yes, you flipping are. Huh! I can’t believe it! I hate you”
“I H U 2.”
“Yeah, well I hate you more.”
“U R N N-M-E.”
“You better believe it, Alexander. Go on, get out. Get back in the elevator, and buzz off.
“I M N D Q 4 D L-F-8-R.”
“You don’t need to queue for it.”
“D L-F-8-R S M-T?”
“Yes,