Cops, Crocs & Leopard-Skin Jocks. Bob Magor
to rotary hoe a patch up. We made a circle with all the rows spreading out like spokes from a wheel and grew watermelons and rockmelons as a cover.
‘When the time was right we planted the real seeds but for some reason they wouldn’t come up. Gordon decided to put in a nursery and we planted the seeds where he could tend to them carefully. I didn’t think he knew what he was doing so I said it wasn’t going to work and headed back to Darwin. But a month later he looked me up very excited. The nursery had worked a treat and the plants were ready to plant out and I should rejoin the partnership.’
‘This is where you conned us, you bastard,’ Allan broke in. ‘Anne and I were travelling around Australia and we’d both got a job stacking shelves in Woolies for a month in Darwin to top up the finances. My favourite brother-in-law found out we had a couple of days off.
‘ “Bring your rod and come for a drive,” he says. “I’ve got a beaut fishing spot.” There wasn’t a fish for twenty miles around where he took us and next thing he’s got us helping him plant these suspicious looking tomato plants. I knew what they were but it was either help or walk thirty miles back home. Anne and I have never been so scared in our lives. You bastard!’
‘You’ve always been a girl,’ Roy laughed. ‘But you should have been there a few days later. I’d come back out to do some watering when I heard this – woof, woof, woof! Bloody hell! It was a blasted chopper. I shit myself and drove my Toyota under the shade-cloth and threw a blanket over the bull-bar so they couldn’t read my numberplate. Old Gordon laughed and said, “The same thing happened to me last year. It’s only a helicopter rounding up station cattle. They get them from the waterholes and send them towards the yards about ten miles to the west.” He could have warned me. I nearly had a heart attack!
‘I decided I’d go back to Darwin while the chopper was in the area. The extra vehicle may look out of place in the middle of nowhere on a regular basis and we didn’t want to attract attention.
‘A fortnight later the old chap contacted me to say it was safe to come back. I took a couple of the kids with me for company. They soon got a job picking the bugs off the maturing plants. The bugs were out of control so we mixed up a weak solution of dieldrin and poured it around the roots with a watering can. We knew that dieldrin was being banned for white ants because it was dangerous to your health but Gordon had used it before. It was absorbed up through the plant and it soon sorted the bugs out. I’m not sure what the effect was on the smokers!
‘With the bugs under control, it grew into a pretty healthy crop. When it was ready he took a heap of it down south but apparently there was plenty around at the time and he could only get rid of half his load. Before the trip he had sold enough locally to pay me off my fifty-two grand share. What he had left was all his. But coming back through Katherine the poor old chap was stopped by the cops for speeding. When they pulled him up they could smell the stuff. He had fourteen plastic bags in the back full of hooch.
‘When I read about it in the paper I began to panic. I imagined he’d point the finger at me when they put the pressure on him, but the old chap never said a word. He confessed and took them out to the camp at Green Ant Creek but he said that he just lived there by himself. When they found lots of little matchbox cars around the camp he said that they were his. He told them how he used to get stoned and make little roads in the dirt around the camp and go “brum, brum” with them. What a great yarn and the dickhead police believed it. They’d actually been left behind by my kids but the old chap never let on. He was a great old bloke.
‘He did leave me with a little gem though. He said, “Roy, out in this country a goat is a man’s best friend.”
‘ “How do you work that out, Gordon?” I asked.
‘ “Well,” he said, looking very serious. “You can milk it. You can talk to it. You can shag it. And if you get hungry you can eat it.” I looked at him for signs of a smile but he was completely serious.
‘ “Gordon,” I responded. “I think you’ve been in the bush too long!” He was a New Zealander though!’
‘I’m glad you didn’t get me involved with that sort of thing as well,’ Allan laughed. ‘Being an accessory to growing hooch was bad enough. I still haven’t forgiven you, you mongrel.’
‘So I was lucky once again,’ Roy went on. ‘But after two close shaves I decided to keep well away from the stuff. I’d made enough to upgrade my outboard motor and my boat with a little left over. From then on I was purely a fisherman.’
At that moment the two dogs charged through the circle of listeners. One hit the tub of almost boiling water on the grill. The container lurched sideways towards Anne’s bare feet but in a flash Allan grabbed it with his bare hands and steadied it. Roy roared at the dogs but I was waiting for a reaction from Allan. He must have burnt his hands.
‘You hurt?’ I asked.
‘Wouldn’t matter if I was,’ he replied. ‘You don’t show pain in this camp.’ He grinned at Roy.
‘Sign of weakness,’ was Roy’s comment. ‘I never showed any pain during my life and nobody gets any sympathy from me!’
Allan grinned again. ‘It’s always a bit of a game. Roy gets a crab on his toe and I stare at him looking for a flinch. Last year I caught a catfish and it fell into the boat. I forgot and later I stepped on it. The spikes went clean through my foot. I could see Roy studying me for a reaction, then while I looked for something to pry the spines out a loose crab latched on as well. I was actually sweating but I wouldn’t give Roy the satisfaction.’
‘I reckon I saw a tear in your eye, you soft prick,’ Roy joked, but added, ‘I reckon that was about as much pain as I’ve seen a man handle. Looks like I’ve taught you something.’
I thought about this as we said our goodnights and I headed for my swag. I was in tough company. I hoped I wouldn’t be put to the test!
It’s certainly a beautiful part of the world on the Wearyan River. We sat around the multi-purpose fire at dawn watching the world wake up. The water was a mirror, with water birds active around the shore and kites riding the thermals above. The scrub glowed with the first shafts of sunlight.
‘It doesn’t get any better than this,’ I ventured as I sipped on my steaming mug of tea.
‘Yeah, all these Top End rivers are peaceful,’ Roy agreed. ‘That’s part of the attraction that gets inside your head until you can’t leave. But the peaceful times out on the Mary River couldn’t outweigh the police harassment I was copping in Darwin. Whenever they sighted me they hung all types of shit on me. The charges on my conviction sheet mention every conceivable offence: using threatening words; parking within six feet of a fire hydrant; fighting in a public place; driving an unregistered motor vehicle; failing to give address; indecent language; speeding through an intersection; hindering police; larceny; reckless driving; no rear number plate; failing to destroy a registration label!
‘These were all offences that most people in Darwin at the time could do and only get chatted for, if that. I was different. They kept me on the move. It was all a big game between them and me. They’d take me to court and fine me but I wouldn’t pay. After a while they’d get me back in court and I’d plead that I was on the dole and couldn’t pay. Then they’d decide that I would pay ten bob a week until the fine was paid. I wouldn’t do that either so a few months later they’d haul me back into court and put me in gaol for a week or two depending on how much I owed. That would square the ledger until they booked me for something else. I remember them fining me for something minor once and I said that it was going to cost them more than me. They asked what I meant by that and I just laughed. That night I drove around pushing over white reflector posts with my Toyota until I reckoned that the damage was