The Distance Between Us. Masha Hamilton
is not a disciplined army. These are thugs led by a man who smuggles and kidnaps and kills. They let mood swings, and a very personal interpretation of Allah’s will, dictate when and where they fire their guns.
“C’mon, Marcus. Let’s get out of here,” she says.
“I don’t go without my card.” Marcus takes a step forward and speaks in one long breath. “We’re more than happy to scoot, you bloody bloke, but first, it would be brilliant if you could go peek under your pillow and see if you can find a little card, one with my face on it.” He finishes with an ersatz smile.
The shirtless boy fighter surely can’t understand much of Marcus’s racetrack sentences or clipped accent. But he leans forward attentively as if examining vermin, then pushes closer to their Land Rover, bringing with him the scent of barbecued onions. He glances in Caddie’s direction, then grips Sven’s arm. “Go,” he says in English, shoving Sven and motioning at their driver. “Go!” The word comes out guttural.
“Bit testy, aren’t you?” Marcus remains jaunty, but he’s finally edging back toward the jeep.
“Still, I think it’s a good suggestion,” Sven says, sounding strained.
The baby-faced guard, gratingly calm, lets off a shot into the dirt that produces a pregnant swell of dust. He levels his gun and jerks it to motion their driver forward. The driver shifts into gear. Caddie grabs Marcus’s arm and tugs him back into the vehicle as the driver punches the gas pedal.
“My card,” cries Marcus mock-meekly, raising his arms in an empty-handed gesture. Having lost, he’s clearly decided to treat this as good fun. “Why my card?”
“Why my wife?” Rob speaks over the engine noise. “Life is arbitrary.”
“Why do we always end up talking about your divorce?” Sven asks over his shoulder.
“Right,” Rob says. “Who cares? Let’s just get the interview. We’ve got to be almost there. When we get back, Marcus, you can tell the press office your card went through the wash.”
“What wash?” says Marcus. “Who’s holding out on me? Is anybody using anything besides the sink?”
He’s too jovial, considering this nonsense could have caused them to be detained for hours—or worse. Caddie jabs him. “You won’t even need the damn card in a couple days.”
“Right you are. A whole month in New York.” Marcus, oblivious to the edge in her tone, is annoyingly cheerful. “I’m overdue. So cheers-ciao-salaam,” he says, running the words together.
She twists slightly away from him, reminded now however irritating she finds his reckless behavior, it doesn’t bother her nearly as much as the fact that he has more or less spontaneously booked this flight to the U.S. He insisted he needed a break, had to get out, even yesterday was too late. She argued for days to get him to postpone it long enough to make this foray into Lebanon. Once they are done here, he’s taking off. She only hopes that he doesn’t miss any huge stories—major flare-ups of violence or government collapses. Nobody based in the Middle East takes photos as good as Marcus’s.
Caddie glances behind them and her chest finally loosens: the roadblock is out of sight; surely the worst of the day is history. They pass a couple buildings still showing the kiss of battles—gapes and scars where walls should be. Then a patch of trees with leaves implausibly green against the fresh sky. Mt. Hermon rises in the distance, a landmark she knows, and the region becomes rocky again.
Their driver slows as they pass a woman in a long, loose dress and a headscarf who totes a toddler straddled on one shoulder, a basket on her head. She looks middle-aged, though she’s probably in her twenties, eroded by having borne a child each year since age sixteen. Caddie has interviewed women like her. She lives in a one-room hut with a husband who shows more fondness for his gun than his family. Every day she scorches her fingertips making pita, and every night she rubs sore calves with callused hands. When she speaks, the wind carries away her words. When she needs help, she leans against a tree. She rarely knows surprise.
Their driver has courtesy enough, at least, to spare the woman the discomfort of being covered in dust. As they crawl past, she acknowledges them with the smallest of nods. Her toddler, frightened by the noisy vehicle and its load of strangers, lunges forward, blocking his mother’s sight. She wipes his fingers from her eyes with her free hand in a gesture that seems to rebuke and soothe at once, and the intimacy of that movement sets off a longing within Caddie, irritating but not unfamiliar.
“Stop,” Caddie calls out in Arabic. “Back up. Please.”
The driver slows, shifting his face toward Sven for direction. He’s been paid to cart them where they want to go and, inshallah, he’ll do it. But Caddie knows what he’s thinking: taking orders from a woman, no one told him about that. It appeals as much as walking barefoot on glass shards.
Caddie stares hard and Sven remains silent. The driver blows frustration out his mouth, then brakes and shifts to reverse, halting his vehicle alongside the mother.
“Caddie,” Rob says. “What the—?”
Caddie turns her head away; she knows what he’s going to say and doesn’t want to hear it: that the criminal they will interview is as mercurial as he is dangerous and makes enemies with the ease that most people drink water. That there are warrants on his head in Syria, Israel and the United States and he’s always on the move to avoid detection. That if they are late, even a little, he will not wait.
This won’t cost them but a minute. Sven could move to the back and squeeze in next to them, leaving the front seat for the woman. Caddie herself will hold the child on her lap. A lift of a few miles might save this woman hours of walking.
She rises to make the offer.
But the mother’s chin is raised in sharp rebuff, and Caddie recognizes—a moment too late—what she already knew. The woman would never climb into this car. She would be called a whore, and possibly beaten, if a brother or husband or even a neighbor saw her in a car loaded with foreign men, and with Caddie, who is not an ally, who is only an outsider, a stranger and transient. Who has no place pretending otherwise.
Even worse, she’s just shed her journalistic detachment. The moment reeks of sentimentality, no greater sin among reporters.
With the Land Rover out of gear, the driver revs the engine. She feels Rob’s stare.
The mother moves past, eyes averted. The toddler stares over his mother’s shoulder, then ducks to hide himself. No one in the vehicle moves. No one speaks. Finally their driver turns to Caddie, his expression empty, his contempt strong enough to emit a sour scent.
She tightens her left hand into a fist, searching for a question she might ask this driver, one that could allow her to smirk. What would you put on a vanity plate for this bullet-dodger? 2-TUF-2-SPIT, she imagines him answering. That brings a smile that she hopes looks mysteriously smug to the driver, and to Rob.
Then she nods, a gesture intended to display confidence. She sits as the driver faces forward to lean into the gas pedal. The Land Rover jumps, leaving the woman in the trail of dust he had avoided the first time.
Rob speaks first. “Where the hell did that come from, Caddie?”
“This damned pressure-cooker,” Marcus says. “Woman, you need a break too.”
“As if we all don’t,” Sven says.
“Sunday brunch in the Village,” Marcus goes on. “Mimosas and Eggs Benedict and a stack of frivolous glossy magazines. We’ll go windsurfing off Long Island. You can browse all the bookshops on the Upper West Side. And buy fresh bagels every day.”
For a moment, she does miss New York. She misses blending in, not having to concentrate on the language. And street signs—God, how she misses street signs right now on this dusty, no-name road.
Marcus smiles. “I see it in your eyes. Come out with me,