Mortuary Confidential. Kenneth McKenzie
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Praise for Mortuary Confidential
“Alternately poignant and peculiar, Mortuary Confidential is an insightful glimpse into the real lives of undertakers.”
—MELISSA MARR, New York Times bestselling author of the Wicked Lovely series
“I have always had an insatiable curiosity of anything that smacks of the tawdry. I suppose the ‘goings on’ around funeral parlors must fall under this category because I could not put this book down. Fascinating.”
—LESLIE JORDAN, Emmy Award–winning actor
“Curious, wildly honest stories that need to be told, but just not at the dinner table.”
—DANA KOLLMANN, author of Never Suck a Dead Man’s Hand
“As unpredictable and lively as a bunch of drunks at a New Orleans funeral.”
—JOE R. LANSDALE
“Sick, funny, and brilliant! I love this book.”
—JONATHAN MABERRY, multiple Bram Stoker Award–winning author of They Bite
Books by
KENNETH MCKENZIE and TODD HARRA
Mortuary Confidential
Over Our Dead Bodies
Available from Citadel Press,
an imprint of Kensington Publishing Corp.
Mortuary Confidential
UNDERTAKERS SPILL THE DIRT
Kenneth McKenzie
AND
Todd Harra
Citadel Press
KENSINGTON PUBLISHING CORP.
The following stories have been collected from funeral directors and morticians across the United States. They are based on actual events; details and events have been altered and/or fictionalized to protect confidentialities.
The contributors are identified by their interests/hobbies outside the funeral service profession as a way to portray their multi-faceted lives.
Death…It’s the only thing we haven’t succeeded in completely vulgarizing.
—ALDOUS HUXLEY
Contents
Introduction by Todd Harra
Part I: First Calls and Removals
1. The Scream
2. Lost in Translation
3. Patch Out
4. The Fly Swatter Saga
5. Business Hours
6. Grandma Talk-Talk
7. A Case of Mistaken Identity
8. Ousting the Coroner
9. Spare Donuts
10. Severe Clear
11. Roadblock
12. Human Wedge
Part II: Where Art Meets Science
13. The Man Who Cheated Death
14. The Unwitting Smuggler
15. Men and Makeup
16. A Solution for Sagging
17. The Glass Eye and Other Expectations
18. Tattoo You?
19. Ever Seen a Dead Man Move?
Part III: Family Matters
20. Lesson: Never Go to Bed Angry
21. Buried in the Nude
22. Walk the Walk
23. Death Knell of Jefferson and Adams
24. The Killer Customer
25. The Comedian
26. Hearse of a Different Make
27. Shot-Putted Urn
28. Last Wishes
Part IV: Wakes, Funerals, and Burials
29. My Bar Story
30. The Dove
31. A Hug, a Hope
32. Wake Combat
33. Lucky
34. Believe in the Butterfly
35. Continuum
36. The Prodigal Son
37. Duel at High Noon
38. Wives and Girl friends
39. The World Record Holder
40. Third from Right
Part V: In Our Private Lives
41. Feathers and Fridges
42. Till Death
43. Date Destination: “The Morgue”
44. Gobble Gobble
45. The Tapestry of Life
46. The Gay Man in the Wine Bottle
47. The First Date
48. Ironic Injustice
49. Windsor or Prince Albert?
50. Thaleia
Acknowledgments
CITADEL PRESS BOOKS are published by
Kensington Publishing Corp.
119 West 40th Street
New York, NY 10018
Copyright © 2010 Kenneth McKenzie and Todd Harra
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the publisher, excepting brief quotes used in reviews.
All Kensington titles, imprints, and distributed lines are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, educational, or institutional use. Special book excerpts or customized printings can also be created to fit specific needs. For details, write or phone the office of the Kensington sales manager: Kensington Publishing Corp., 119 West 40th Street, New York, NY 10018, attn: Sales Department; phone 1-800-221-2647.
CITADEL PRESS and the Citadel logo are Reg. U.S. Pat. & TM Off.
First printing: May 2010
17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9
Printed in the United States of America
Library of Congress Control Number: 2009937076
ISBN-13: 978-0-8065-3868-6
ISBN-10: 0-8065-3868-6
First electronic edition: May 2010
ISBN-13: 978-0-8065-3423-7
ISBN-10: 0-8065-3423-0
Introduction
by Todd Harra
My great-great-great-grandfather was a cabinetmaker, known as a tradesman undertaker, in rural Delaware. His son, my great-great-grandfather, was an undertaker, and my uncle is one, too. So I guess you could say that undertaking is our family business. It’s not uncommon to find that at many funeral homes across the United States,