By George - Hilarious Tales from England's Most Fanatical Football Supporters. David Stanfield
knew, Bruce was shouting, ‘Come on Stan, the taxi’s here!’ I got up and asked, ‘How did you get a taxi? What did you tell him, “the bush, Cologne”?’ Anyway, we told the taxi driver where we wanted to go and he proceeded to drive about 200 metres before stopping. We were already at the camper van and he charged us five Euros for the pleasure!
The following morning we left, with the guy from the council and two policemen watching our exit. We saw two camper vans with England flags and decided to follow them. After about half hour, they turned off the road along a dust track, and we soon saw a load of campers, tents and cars stretched out along the River Rhine. We saw a space straight away next to another camper, but there was a small table and a tent taking up all the space. ‘Stop the van, were parking here’ I said. Bruce stopped the camper and we jumped out, unpegged the tent and moved it out of the way. We put the tent back up nearby, Bruce parked the camper, and we set up camp.
Dave started talking to this guy whose red van was next to us. He shouted, ‘Stan, this blokes from Dunstable and his sister lives in Slip End!’ ‘Hello mate, my name’s Andy,’ he said. ‘Hello I’m Stan – what’s your sister’s name?’ I asked. He told me her name was Hilary and she lived in the old farmhouse. ‘Fuck me, what a small world. Not only do I know your sister, but I used to squat in that house before she bought it!’ I told Andy. My last memory of the squat before we got evicted was of someone having a shit on the floor, but I didn’t mention that. ‘Who’s staying in that camper?’ I asked. Andy replied, ‘Young lads from Doncaster, here they come now!’ I saw five lads walking towards us from the river. ‘Alright lads? We’re your new neighbours,’ I said. They said hello back and went into their camper. ‘Miserable bastards,’ I thought, and carried on drinking with Andy and the rest of my lads.
An hour later, an eastern European geezer and his family walked through our camp and started giving us all dirty looks – they then got into the small tent, which we had moved on our arrival. The bloke then came out again and told us to be quiet. I told him that if he wanted peace and quiet he’d better move to a place where there weren’t 5,000 England fans. He started going mental and I asked him, ‘Where are you from, anyway?’ ‘HUNGARY!’ he shouted and Ian immediately yelled ‘SECEF!’ The Hungarian man looked at Ian blankly so Ian said it again, as did the rest of the lads. They’d remembered what I told them – that ‘secef’ meant ‘fuck off’. Obviously it didn’t really mean ‘fuck off’ – it wasn’t even a Hungarian word – but after being told to ‘secef’ for about the fiftieth time, the bloke packed up his car and drove away. His wife shouted something at me as they left, which I believe actually was ‘fuck off’ in Hungarian.
With all the commotion we hadn’t noticed that our neighbours from Doncaster had surfaced and were sitting outside their own van having a beer. ‘Fuck that, lads – if we’re going to be neighbours we’re going to get pissed together!’ I told them. The Doni lads were Yeom, Robs, Crawf, Chubb and Flips. About 2 pm, Ian said, ‘Right, I ain’t sitting here all afternoon just getting pissed. I’m cultured. I’m going to walk into Cologne, who’s coming?’ Steve, Bruce, Paul and Kev agreed to join him. This reminded me of the time in Chicago, when we were all sitting on the end of the pier and Ian was hanging out of his arse after being out on the piss the night before. That time he said ‘Right, I’m not sitting here all afternoon getting pissed. You see that big building over there [pointing at the Sears Tower]? I’m going to climb it.’ Off he went. We had visions of Ian scaling the Sears Tower like King Kong, but he just used the stairs.
Later on, as Jimmy, Andy and I sat in our deck chairs drinking, Andy pointed something out. ‘Stan…is that two girls making out in the river?’ I looked and two girls were indeed pleasuring each other in the river. ‘Quality! Beer and a lesbian show, it doesn’t get better than this!’ I said. The girls stayed in the water for about half an hour and then came walking towards us. As they reached us I said, ‘Hello girls, would you care to join us for a beer?’ They did. I introduced us and Lee, who had joined us. They introduced themselves as Hilda and Imogen, and said they were from Finland. After chatting to them for a while, I asked, ‘Were you playing with each other in the river?’ They looked at each other and laughed. Hilda said, ‘Oh you saw us, did you? Did you enjoy what your saw?’ ‘Well I’d sooner join in than watch, but I suppose you’re not into men?’ I replied. ‘Of course we are into men,’ said Imogen. ‘Yes, we’re girlfriends but we often have a man or two sleep with us!’ ‘So do you fancy a foursome now, with me and Jim?’ I asked. ‘Yes, why not but where?’ said Imogen. ‘In the camper van, we can shut the curtains’ said Jimmy. ‘But we don’t mind people watching!’ Hilda replied. ‘That’s it, I’m coming to watch this!’ said Lee and all five of us went into the camper.
When we were inside Jimmy went to grab Imogen, but she pulled away. ‘Do you not want us to put a show on for you first, to get you excited?’ Imogen said. We excitedly agreed. With me and Jimmy standing next to each other and Lee sat in the passenger’s seat, the girls started to do their stuff. ‘Right, how about letting us have a go then?’ Jimmy asked after a couple of minutes. The girls, still holding and touching each other said, ‘OK, but you must be ready for us now!’ I was more than ready, but Jimmy seemed to be having a bit of trouble. ‘Look, I can’t do it with Lee sitting watching me!’ he said, and told Lee to fuck off. After Lee had reluctantly left, Hilda said. ‘Still nothing is happening, Jim…do you not want to fuck me?’ Jimmy was in panic mode by this point, and he went into the bathroom and started to wank himself silly. I was pissing myself and shouted, ‘Come on, Jimmy – for Queen and country!’ ‘Fuck off, Stan – you’re not helping!’ replied Jimmy. ‘Oh well, we must go now’ said Hilda, who was obviously the boss in the relationship. I grabbed Imogen and said, ‘What about us getting it on?’ ‘Maybe later!’ she said, and with that they were gone. I couldn’t believe it!
We spent the rest of the afternoon drinking with the Doni lads – they’d all gone for an afternoon sleep and couldn’t believe what they’d missed, but they didn’t miss the opportunity to take the piss out of Jimmy. We’d made up a special song for him: ‘Jim Allsop Allsop, his new name is Floppy Flop, we know he can’t get it up, Jim Allflop Allflop’. Genius. About 7pm, the two girls came back with more Finnish girls and a load of Swedish blokes. They all wanted to play us at football and of course we were up for it, so we grabbed a load of English blokes on our way to the pitch next to the camp. Turned out these lads were in the Army, and they were based in Germany. We all lined up and sang our national anthems and by the time Sweden kicked off, it was virtually dusk. We’d only been playing ten minutes when Imogen walked up and started to kiss me – of course I forgot all about the match and we left the pitch and lay down on the floor. ‘I told you “maybe later”,’ she said.
We were so busy that I didn’t even hear them stop for half time, but eventually I realised Dave was screaming. ‘Where is he? Where’s my fucking captain? You normally can’t shut him up and I haven’t heard him at all. Where the fuck is he?’ Imogen and I separated, and I went up to Dave and the rest of my team and said ‘Sorry, I was just getting it on with the Swedish right back’. Everyone looked horrified. ‘It’s OK, it’s that Finnish girl from this afternoon!’ I added. Everyone laughed and also looked a bit relieved.
We kicked off the second half and I ran to the corner, where Imogen was waiting. She pushed me onto the floor and was just about to get on top of me when the next thing I knew she was gone. Someone had rugby tackled her straight off of my cock. What the…? Who the…? Then I found out: It was Hilda. ‘She’s my bitch, fucking leave her alone,’ she said. I didn’t argue – I’d had my bit in the first half. I jogged away and tried to get involved in the match…I just had to find out where the ball was in the darkness.
The match ended 2-2, and we lost on penalties. We agreed to have a rematch the following day and invited everyone back to our camp for a beer. With Dave’s van blasting out the tunes, our camp area was rocking. ‘You got anything to burn around here, Stan?’ asked one of the Army lads. ‘I’ve got the very thing. Follow me down to the river. Earlier that day, we’d seen some Germans making a tepee out of branches, to use as a sun shade, so I thought why not use it as a fire. Another army lad, Spud, joined