Now This is a Very True Story. Jimmy Jones
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To….
Dolly, Dave and family for all of their support and love during many difficult times.
And,
To Marion,
because you are who you are.
My thanks go to Jack Sharpe, Neil Warnock and a whole host of agents and promoters too numerous to mention.
To all of the backroom staff at every venue where I have performed.
To Garry Bushell for helping to make this book happen.
To Garry Elwood for his advice and assistance.
To Mick Pugh and Paul Ross for giving freely of their time and Tania Bushell for transcribing the interviews.
And lastly to you, my public – for your undying support during my 50 years in show business.
THANK YOU.
CONTENTS
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Foreword
Introduction
Chapter One: IN THE ’KIN’ BEGINNING – ROAMIN’ CATHOLIC
Chapter Two: WELCOME TO THE HOUSE OF FUN
Chapter Three: THE BOYS ON THE DOCKS
Chapter Four: ENTER JIMMY JONES
Chapter Five: WHAT A KRAY DAY
Chapter Six: WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU, RAM
Chapter Seven: KINNELL!
Chapter Eight: IT’S A ROYAL KNOCK-OUT
Chapter Nine: THE FULL MONTY
Chapter Ten: MIKE REID, BETRAYAL AND THE COMEDIANS
Chapter Eleven: MOB-HANDED: VIVA ’KIN’ VEGAS
Chapter Twelve: FUNNY WAY TO BE A HERO
Chapter Thirteen: ALL THAT JAZZ
Chapter Fourteen: DEAD MAN DRINKING
Chapter Fifteen: WIZARDS AND WARNOCK
Chapter Sixteen: IN THE ARMY NOW
Chapter Seventeen: YOU, ME, ’IM
Chapter Eighteen: RACE: EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES OFFENDER
Chapter Nineteen: IN THE COURT OF THE SUN KING
Chapter Twenty: AN AUDIENCE WITH JIMMY JONES
Chapter Twenty-One: IF I WERE THE MARION KIND
Chapter Twenty-Two: THE WORST NEWS IN THE WORLD
Epilogue: ’OLD ON, I’M COMING
Copyright
NICKO MCBRAIN
I’D HEARD OF Jimmy Jones but I’d never seen him – his reputation went before him. So the first night I was due to work with him I was really nervous. I didn’t know what to expect. We were in Gullivers, a Mayfair nightclub, back in the early 1970s and Jim had his own room in the basement which was called Kinnell’s in honour of his catchphrase.
I sat at a table in the little balcony, stage right, and surveyed the audience. Keith Emerson, the legendary keyboard player was there, a couple of starlets, a minor Royal, and I wondered what I was letting myself in for. Then Jim started. He grabbed the audience by the throat and didn’t let up. I was in hysterics from the off. Jimmy had a lot of one-liners back then and the pace was relentless. I was actually hurting from laughing at him. And when I got the call to go on stage I didn’t know how I’d manage it. How would it be possible to play the drums when you were cracking up?
With most shows, the band might watch the star’s act once or twice and after that they’d tend to spend the rest of the shows at the bar. But Jimmy Jones was so funny I didn’t miss a single performance. I saw every one of his shows and they were always a riot. I was a fan for life.
Unfortunately, Jim wasn’t much of a fan of my drumming. As you’ll see later in this book, he gave me the sack because my drumming was too loud. I put dusters on and everything but I was still too much for Jim and I was out – the rotten bastard!
He was up front about it, though, and he did apologise. It was impossible to stay mad at him, because he’s such a wonderful man. You couldn’t wish to meet a nicer gentleman. He’s straight down the line, too. What you see is what you get with Jim. That’s what endeared him to me. He never takes anything or anyone for granted. And he’s funny off-stage as well. He doesn’t crack jokes all the time; it’s just that larger-than-life personality of his. He can’t help but make you grin.
I was lucky enough to get to know Jim socially and spend time with his family. Once I went to Sunday dinner at his house in Essex with Phil Hilborne, the blues guitarist. We had a great time, a few beers, some stories. Jim’s wife Marion cooked up a smashing roast. Jimmy’s only job was to carry in the peas but somehow he managed to trip up and the peas went everywhere. Most blokes would have gone ballistic. Not Jim. He just looked back and said, ‘Kinnell, who put that rug there?’ Then we were all down on our hands and knees picking up the peas before Marion could see what had happened. They tasted great! A bit of grit and shit doesn’t hurt anyone.
Ten years after Gullivers, I joined Iron Maiden. Sitting in the tour bus, I started telling a few Jimmy Jones gags and it turned out that the boys all loved him as well – we used to play his tapes on the road, as a lot of rock bands did. We would have Jimmy Jones nights on tour where we’d all sit around retelling his greatest jokes. We invited him down to a few of our shows and parties. He’s performed at charity bashes for us. We all love him to bits.
Some po-faced people take Jones the wrong way. I was angry on his behalf back in the ’80s when certain councils banned him from performing at their venues. Yes, his act is brutal, but that’s comedy. There was never any offence meant – I know that because I’ve known Jimmy Jones well for 37 years.
I’m proud and happy to say that as well as being a living legend he’s a great person, and a true friend.
Nicko McBrain, September 2010
GARRY BUSHELL
AS JIMMY JONES jumps off the stage and walks through the audience, the people closest to him squirm like live bait in a bucket. Those who have been before know what to expect and they brace themselves accordingly.
A bashful young blonde is the first to enjoy a personal encounter with the legendary Cockney comedian. ‘Look at your hand shaking,’ Jimmy says. He flashes the rest of us an evil grin and adds, in a voice heavy with suggestion, ‘It seems a shame to waste it…’
He pauses and adds: ‘I’ve got a little treat for you later on, and it won’t melt in your hand.’
A busty brunette behind her tries hard to keep a straight face. ‘Don’t look so serious my dear,’ Jones says with mock concern. Pause, beat. ‘You might have yer dates wrong… Is that your ’usband? Lucky bastard!’
He goes on in a conspiratorial tone. ‘I pulled a bird in ’ere last night,’ he tells the couple. ‘She said, “Give me 12 inches and hurt me.” So I pushed it in six times and punched