A Cure for All Diseases. Reginald Hill
me there longer than I meant – & suddenly Lady Ds beady eyes clocked me.
Theres someone there – she boomed – damn cheek!
They all looked – then Teddy rose to his feet – one movement – like a panther – except they dont stand on the hind legs – do they? – but you know what I mean! He cried out – its Charley! – hey Charley – come on down here & join us! –
Might have made an excuse & left – but I saw Sister Esthers face congeal from dimpling attentiveness to pack-ice mode – & that did it!
– Hi – I said – scrambling down – didnt mean to intrude – but the beach back there is absolutely packed –
Bit of an exaggeration – but without thinking Id pushed the right button for Lady D – to whom bodies on the beach ultimately translates into boodle in the bank – & she said – never mention it – my dear – any friend of Toms is always welcome here –
Clara smiled up at me – while Esther gave me a twitch of a nod – then – unfreezing her face – turned back to Lady D & said – now auntie – you mustnt lose your thread – not when you were telling me the fascinating story of your plans for the estate –
I was trying to work out how to sit close to Teddy – without drawing too much attention to the contrast between my kitchen table legs – & Claras works of art – when he solved the problem by saying – youve obviously come to swim – ready for a dip now? – come on! –
He grabbed my hand & started leading me down the beach.
I said – what about Clara? – & he said – oh shes all right – needs to stick close in case auntie needs her back scratched – or something fetched from the Hall –
I glanced back – & up. The cliff rose steep & bare for about 80 feet – with a zig-zag path marked by a guard rail – & then for the next 40 or 50 feet the incline became easier – with lots of greenery now – till presumably it flattened into the grounds of the Hall. Quite a trip to send someone to fetch the hankie youd forgotten! Dont expect that would worry Lady D though – & to give her her due – it was quite a climb – up & down – for someone her age. Must be fit as a butchers dog – as the HB likes to say!
I said – must be nice to have your own private beach –
He said – strictly speaking its not aunties at all. Anything between the high tide & low tide marks belongs to the Crown – & the spring tides here reach several feet up the cliff – but it would take a bold trespasser to argue the point! –
I couldnt argue with this. We soon reached the edge of the water – where he paused – staring out to sea – & said something I didnt catch.
– sorry? – I said.
He spoke again – more clearly – but I still couldnt make any sense of it.
Seeing this he smiled – rather patronizingly I thought – & repeated the sounds.
– thalatta thalatta – he declaimed – (thats how its spelt – I checked it out on the Net) – the sea – the sea –
– no argument there – I said – its the sea – sure enough –
– its Greek – he said – tho I hadnt asked – its what the Greek army – in retreat from Marathon – all shouted in releif – when they breasted a hill – & saw the Aegean – which meant they were home – I know how they felt – my own heart always swells when I glimpse our own dear North Sea –
I suppose he was trying to impress me with his classical learning – & his poetic sensibility – but I just felt he was trying a bit too hard – plus when I checked the word on the Internet – I also got the history – & the plonker didnt even have his facts right! Not Marathon – but some place called Cunaxa – & not the Aegean – but the Black Sea!
I said – OK – now weve established what it is – are we going to swim in it? –
He said – of course – & then – youre not going to believe this – he pushed his trunks down – & stepped out of them – so there I was – standing alongside this guy wearing nothing but his big nobbly Rolex – thats his watch I mean! – with his trio of womenfolk not thirty yards away.
I said – for Godsake! –
He said – dont be shocked – I always skinny-dip –
I said – Ive got 4 bros – plus I grew up on a farm – Im not shocked – but what about Lady D – & the others?
He laughed & said – oh theyre used to it – auntie pretends to look the other way – but like many old country ladies she likes her meat well hung – & Ive often caught her taking a peek –
– through powerful binoculars you mean? – I said – sneering – quite unjustly! – hed have made a donkey envious! – then waded out till the water was deep enough to dive into.
He took his watch off – dropped it on his trunks – followed me in – came up alongside me – & stayed there – doing a pretty fair crawl – smiling at me from time to time – as if to say – dont worry – I wont sprint away & leave you – so youre quite safe –
Well – you know me – not the fastest thing on fins – but can keep going forever.
There was a buoy – about 1/4 mile offshore – I fixed my eyes on it – & got into my rhythm. He stuck with me for a while – then dropped behind – & when I reached the buoy it was 3 or 4 minutes before he joined me. He tried a smile – but I could see he was knackered – & I started to feel guilty. Just cos he had a lousy chat-up line didnt mean he deserved to drown! & dragging that thing along beneath him must have been like a plane trying to take off with its flaps down!
We clung on to the buoy for a few minutes – then I said – ready for home?
He nodded – & I set off back – breast stroke this time – a lot slower – & it gave me room to keep an eye on him.
By the time we reached the shallows – he was so whacked – a little wave knocked him over when he tried to stand up.
Big test time now – would he turn nasty – or could he take it?
He collapsed on the sand. Wed come ashore about 30 feet from where wed left our gear.
He gasped – do me a favour – Charley – fetch my trunks will you? – Id like to be buried decent – but not at sea – please! –
So that was OK. Dont mind a prat – so long as he can laugh at himself.
I fetched his watch & his trunks – he made himself decent – then we sat on the sand together – warming ourselves in the sun – till he got his breath back.
I said – do you ski as well as you swim? –
He said – better – youll be glad to hear – but I usually keep my clothes on. Why? –
I said – I was out in Switzerland before Christmas – near Davos – bunch of my mates from uni – thought I saw your sister there – at a dance – but could be wrong. Kind of place us poor students party at – not really her thing – I shouldnt think –
He pulled a face & said – might well have been – Aunt Daph had a rush of blood to the head – took me & Ess on a skiing holiday last Christmas – near Davos –
That was generous of her – I said – where were you staying? – Morasinis? – The Fluela? –
– O no – he laughed – dear aunties not that generous! – we had a chalet – but in fairness it was very comfortably appointed –
– so why would Esther be moving & grooving with the plebs? – I pressed.
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