An Engagement in Seattle: Groom Wanted. Debbie Macomber
the unspoken words rang in her head “—but not unwelcome.”
Silently Julia pleaded with her grandmother to live just a little longer, to give her time to adjust, to grant her a few days to gather her courage. Even as she spoke, Julia recognized how selfish she was being, thinking of herself, of her own pain. But she couldn’t make herself stop praying that God would spare her grandmother.
“You have walked through your pain,” the silent voice continued. “The journey has made you wiser and far stronger than you know.”
Julia wanted to argue. She didn’t feel strong. Not when it seemed Ruth was about to be taken from her. She felt pushed to the limits, looking both ways—toward despair in one direction and hope in the other, toward doubt and faith.
An hour passed as Julia struggled with her grief, refusing to let it overwhelm her. Fear controlled her, the knowledge that if she gave in to her grief, she might never regain her sanity.
“Please,” she pleaded aloud, praying Ruth heard her. It was the selfish prayer of a frightened child.
Jerry arrived, pale and shaken. “What happened?”
Julia shrugged. Their grandmother’s physician, Dr. Silverman, had been in earlier to explain the medical symptoms and reasons. Most of what he’d said had meant only one thing. Ruth was close to death.
“She’s in a coma,” Julia answered. “I talked to her doctor earlier. He’s surprised she’s hung on this long.”
Her brother pulled out a chair and sat down next to Julia. “I love this old woman, really love her.”
“What are we going to do without her, Jerry?”
Her brother shook his head. “I don’t know. We’ll make do the way we always have, I suppose.”
“I’m going to miss her so much.” Julia heard the tears in her voice.
“I know.” He reached for Julia’s hand and gently squeezed it. “Alek phoned. He’ll be here as soon as he can.”
Julia instinctively wanted Alek with her. She’d never needed him like this before. That thought produced another regret. Alek was devoted to her and she didn’t deserve it. She’d treated him terribly and yet he loved her.
Her grief, fed by her burning tears and broken dreams, was overwhelming. She couldn’t sit still; she stood and started pacing, then returned to her chair.
They sat silently for another hour. She did what she could to make her grandmother more comfortable. She held Ruth’s hand, read her favorite passages from Scripture, stroked her forehead.
“I have to go.” Jerry spoke from behind her.
Understanding, Julia nodded. She loved her brother and knew he was grieving in his own way. She was grateful he was leaving; she preferred this time alone with Ruth.
“When will you go home?” he asked.
“I don’t know yet.”
The next thing she heard was the sound of the door closing. Being alone was a relief and a burden. Julia recognized the inconsistency of her reactions. Never had she craved Alek’s company more, and yet she wanted these hours alone with her grandmother, sensing that it would be the last time they’d be together.
She found it ironic that hope and despair could feel the same to her.
The nurses came in a number of times. One encouraged her to take a break, go have some dinner, but Julia refused. She was afraid to leave, fearing that once she did, her grandmother would quietly release her hold on life.
Leaning her forehead against the side of the hospital bed, Julia must have dozed because the next thing she knew Alek was there.
“How is she?”
“There’s been no change.”
Alek sat down next to Julia. “Have you had dinner?”
“I’m not hungry.”
Alek nodded and when he spoke again it was in his own language, which had a distinct beauty. Whatever he was saying seemed to please her grandmother because Ruth smiled. At first Julia was convinced she’d imagined it, which would’ve been easy enough to do. But there was no denying the change in Ruth’s ashen features.
“It’s midnight, my love.”
Julia glanced at her watch, sure he was mistaken. She must have slept longer than she’d realized.
“Come,” he said, standing behind her, his hands on her shoulders. “I’ll drive you home.”
She shook her head, unwilling to leave.
“You aren’t doing her any good, and you’re running yourself down, both physically and mentally.”
“You go ahead,” she said. “I’ll stay a little longer.”
She heard the frustration in his sigh. “I’m not leaving without you. You’re exhausted.”
“I’m afraid to leave her,” she whispered brokenly. The time had come for the truth, painful though it was. Julia was surprised she’d chosen to voice it to Alek and not her brother.
“Why?” her husband inquired gently.
She was glad he was standing behind her and couldn’t see the tears in her eyes. “If Ruth dies, when she dies, a part of me will go with her.” The best part, Julia feared. Something would perish in her own heart. Her faith in God and in herself would be shaken, and she wondered if this time the damage would be beyond repair.
“Do you wish to bind her to this life, this pain?”
“No,” Julia answered honestly. Yet she held on to Ruth fiercely.
A part of Julia had died with her father. It had been joy. Trust had vanished afterward when she realized everything he’d told her about Roger was true. She hadn’t wanted to believe her father, had argued with him, fought with him. It was while they were shouting at each other that he’d suffered the heart attack that had prematurely claimed his life.
Joy had faded from her soul that afternoon, replaced by guilt. In the years since, she’d made a semicom-fortable life for herself. She wasn’t happy, nor was she unhappy. She buried herself in her work, the desire to succeed propelling her forward, dictating her actions. Her goal was to undo the damage Roger had done to the company. First she would rebuild Conrad Industries to its former glory and then continue on the course her father had so carefully charted.
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