Bringing Rosie Home. Loree Lough
is mostly work and the occasional visit from Lilly, my landlady, who lives in the big house next door. She’s a retired school bus driver. Trust me, I don’t invite a lot of interaction with her, lovely as she is. Being around her, listening to her talk about her tiny passengers only reminds me of...” She looked away.
He’d avoided people—and places and things—that reminded him of Rosie, too. Even kept her bedroom door shut most of the time, so he wouldn't have to look at her toys and games, or the bed where he'd cuddled with her while reading bedtime stories. How much easier would everything have been if they’d found a way to hold each other up when the memories got tough to bear?
Water under the bridge, he thought. Deep, dark, murky water...
“Want some help with these dishes?” he offered.
“No, but thanks. I’ll have this cleaned up in no time. And then I’ll get busy in the bedroom, so if you need to get in there before we leave for the airport—”
“Don’t rush on my account. The Orioles are playing Detroit.” He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. “Holler if you need anything.”
He'd given it a lot of thought. Rosie would have more than enough to adjust to without seeing him and Rena in separate bedrooms. But how would he introduce the subject of her moving back into the master? And how in God’s name was he going to share his bed with her again when he could barely tolerate sitting across the table from her?
Better figure it out, and fast, he told himself. Because tomorrow night, or the next, that was exactly what he’d have to do.
Or did he?
* * *
SEVERAL TIMES AS Rena moved her belongings into the master bedroom, she and Grant passed each another in the hall. He'd stuttered and stammered while explaining that, although he'd made up the guest bed for her, he hoped she'd give serious consideration to moving into their old room with him. For Rosie's sake. Every muscle in her had tensed, every nerve end jangled, yet she'd heard herself say “We can give it a try, I suppose.” Now, the way he scooted along the wall to avoid brushing up against her left Rena wondering how he’d get any sleep, sharing the same bed.
She’d play it by ear; if he seemed fitful and agitated, Rena could always sleep on the family room sofa, and explain any questions from Rosie by claiming to have fallen asleep reading or watching TV.
It was the least she could do for him, after all she’d put him through.
Rena tidied the guest room, the kitchen and the master bedroom—though there wasn’t much to do—mostly to stay out of his way until they had to leave for the airport.
Finally, it was time to head to BWI. At the start of the drive, Rena tested topics of conversation that wouldn’t add to the tension between them. Unfortunately, the sound of her voice seemed enough to stress Grant further. She could tell by the way he gripped the steering wheel and stared straight ahead. It was what he’d done years ago in traffic jams, or if he made a wrong turn. Fortunately, she’d packed magazines and her e-reader along with his stack of important papers. At least she could pretend to have something to focus on during the three-hour flight besides his angry, stony silence.
Martha had posed a difficult question during their last session: “What will you do if Grant never forgives you?” Her answer had inspired the therapist’s disapproving frown. “Why should I expect him to forgive me when I’ll never forgive myself?”
Perhaps in time, they’d at least come to a meeting of the minds, find a certain peace with the living arrangements. But she wouldn’t drive herself mad hoping things would eventually go back to where they’d been before, when he’d been a chatty, friendly, fun and funny partner. Far better and healthier to simply accept the status quo. Besides, you'll have plenty to do, helping Rosie readjust.
“What kind of car do you think we should rent?”
The suddenness of his voice startled her, and she masked it by toying with the hem of her jacket.
“I’m not sure, but we should ask if they rent children’s booster seats.”
He didn’t respond at first. “I hadn’t even given that a thought. But we’ll have to turn it in with the car. What’ll we do on the drive home from BWI?”
“It’s only twenty minutes. You’ll stay in the slow lane the whole way, and I’ll ride in the back with Rosie.” She chanced a peek at his stern profile. “Not that I think anything will happen—you’ve always been a good, safe driver. But on the off chance it does, I can protect her.”
He gave a tiny grunt. Rena braced herself for him to say, “The way you protected her years ago?”
“That’ll work, I guess,” he said instead, and Rena sighed in relief. “We can’t very well take her into a big box store and buy one.”
“Why not?”
“She’ll be overwhelmed, that’s why. Seeing that woman, lying dead on the mall floor. Being carted off by the cops, then interrogated by one shrink after another, then shuttled to a foster home. It’s too much.”
For Rosie, or for him? she wondered.
“We will need to take her shopping eventually, anyway. It isn’t likely she’ll have much to wear. We can pick up a few of the essentials, along with the car seat. You know, shoes. Underwear and socks. Pajamas and slippers. And the weather can get chilly in May.” Rena paused. Was he even listening? “She’ll need a jacket, too.”
He continued staring straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles turned white. Was she strong enough to endure his loathing for...for who knew how long? She’d have to be, because Rosie should not be exposed to conflict of any kind. Rena didn’t need to think for very long to come up with examples of their little girl’s reaction to discord between her parents...
One snowy day, when Grant forgot that it was his turn to pick Rosie up at preschool, Rena had been forced to leave the hospital early, which hadn’t gone over well with the head nurse. Over supper that night, she’d pointed out that she’d grown tired of being called on the carpet by her boss every time a meeting took precedence over his duties as a father. “My boss,” Rena had told him, “made it clear that there are plenty of experienced nurses on the roster who can work a full, uninterrupted day.” Grant’s angry retort? He’d had clients, important clients, whose fees helped pay for day care, weekend trips to Ocean City, Christmas gifts and more. Rosie’s worried expression had stopped Rena from pointing out that her salary contributed to the family coffers, too.
And then there was the time when he’d promised to leave work early to take Rosie to her well visit at the pediatrician’s. A full-of-questions client and an accident on the Beltway, he’d all but shouted, were to blame. Not his forgetfulness. It wasn’t until he’d noticed Rosie’s teary eyes that he softened his tone and offered a half-hearted apology.
Stop dwelling on the negatives; there are plenty of good things about Grant...
His love of family gatherings, for one thing. And he’d never admit it, but Grant enjoyed chick flicks almost as much as she did. And what about his fondness for puns? When she brought home a copy of How Weather Works to read with Rosie, he sat down beside them and said, “I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.” And while replacing the doorknocker on the front door, he’d said, “Bet you didn’t know that the guy who invented this contraption got a no-bell prize...”
The memories should have lifted her spirits. Instead, they woke a deep sadness. Rena hung her head. In the blink of an eye—literally—she’d lost their only child, and the man Grant used to be.
She’d missed him. Missed him during those many difficult months after Rosie was taken. Missed him every day that she’d been gone. Missed him now, even though he was arm’s length away.
“Why so quiet?” he wanted to know.
Rena exhaled. “Just thinking.”