Theory of emotional relativity. Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence. Inna Zakharova
development of a new model of behavior
c. repetition of actions from a new model of behavior
• New value – professionalism
• Strategies for getting it – assert yourself
The goal setting in our example is to assert oneself, to become more significant. When we consciously set such a goal, automatically the values of the need for respect take higher priority. Then you need to be strong, your voice should become louder, you should speak bluntly (the strategy of smoothing corners is not about respect, but about security), you should have your opinion, your vision, you must have goals. All of the mentioned values are about respect. When you draw up such a plan of action for yourself, the values come out of the need for respect, and as a result, your need for security is satisfied to a greater extent, instead of little security you will get much security.
Security. Strategies and Values
Let’s look at the values from the need for security. What makes our life safer? What is valuable when security is relevant right now? This is what will bring more peace to life – these are resources. They can be tangible and intangible.
Values from the need for security:
• Money. It is important to have money in my pocket, in some sufficient amount for peace of mind. It is important to know that I have enough money to eat tomorrow, in two days, and preferably in two months. The longer this period of calm will be, the better it will be for me.
• Information. I must understand that I have enough knowledge and possess the necessary material to cope with a specific job. It is important for me to know what will happen tomorrow. All that concerns information is about the need for security. A simple example: you have a sore leg, you haven’t got enough a body resource. Lack of body resources is a direct hit in the zone of need for security, you have anxiety or even fear, the first thing you do is to start googling. It means that fear makes you search for information. When you have enough information, you feel calmer. Of course, there is a trap – the Internet offers you an infinite amount of information, sometimes contradictory, sometimes about the worst thing that can happen, and then the level of anxiety can turn into a panic, so in such cases it is great if there are reliable sources of information.
• Development. If we don’t learn anything new for a long time, if we don’t get new resources, at some point our anxiety level will begin to increase. Previous resources are being depleted, the world is moving forward, and you get the feeling that you are not fit, that you do not know something from what you may need at the moment or literally tomorrow. And then again you start looking for new information.
• Support. This value has a high priority of security needs. It becomes even more important if a person does not have a very confident adult position. In this case, he wants to find a “parent” (a better parent than your own), i.e. there is a certain authority under whose wing you can hide, someone you can ask for advice that indicates in which direction to act, how to act right and wrong. Such a life expert nearby allows you to get rid yourself of responsibility and to stand on your feet more firmly. Confidence appears: “If I am together with him, get his support, I will be safe, because I objectively see that this person is smart, strong, he has a lot of resources, he copes with life”.
It is important to note that the values of the need for security are the most controversial. On the one hand some things may be a source of security, on the other hand they may be a source of danger. For example, authority can simultaneously protect you from the outside world, give you support, but at the same time you can completely fall under his influence and your level of freedom will be very low (this is not safe at all!). In such situations, a lot of doubts arises.
It’s worth paying attention to the theme of people communication with the same leading need for security and difficulties, which appear in such relationships.
➤ The Value Conflict
For both of them, freedom (value) will be important, that freedom which is WITHOUT responsibility, without expectations, without obligations. At the same time, both of them will be interested in information (value) about each other (what will happen tomorrow? What are our plans? What will we do? What will we eat?). Two people with the same leading need, in principle, should understand each other well, but the following can happen between them:
One is calling to the other:
– Hi! What are you doing?
What does the first think at this moment? “They control me! Why is he asking me? What does he want from me? What should I do? They want to accuse me of inaction? And what does it threaten? And if I say now that I’m not doing anything, what will make me do it? What if I don’t want to do this …», i.e. he feels that his freedom is being invaded, he feels anxiety and the need for security is not satisfied.
If you continue the chain of his thoughts, this simple question can lead to some serious consequences in communication. However, a person who asks “where are you?” “what are you doing?”, he wants to calm himself, he just needs information for clarity. People with a leading need for security very often ask such questions in order to get information about what is happening between them, is everything okay with me, can I organize your time and mine.
➤ Unwillingness to take responsibility.
Taking responsibility for decisions is unsafe. And when security is a leading psychological need, it is not easy for such people to take responsibility for themselves and their lives, and to be responsible for two partners is totally unsafe. In such relationships, the ball “who will make decisions” will constantly roll, there will always be expectations from each other that someone will do more in terms of responsibility. Moreover, if one constantly takes it upon himself, he feels the insult “why me?” and will feel unsafe. And the other one at the same time will also feel unsafe, because “if I do not make decisions, then I can’t influence anything, I’m nobody”, the partner’s responsible behavior is perceived as aggression and a desire to suppress.
If partners in such relationships are perceived, able to agree, they can say all the moments of interaction aloud and strengthen each other. To do this, we must share the responsibility: “I’ll do this, you’re doing that, I’m free at this time.” You need to say everything. If you arm yourself with this honesty and clarity in relationships, everything becomes cool. But if a person is not conscious, he is not ready for sincerity, because it is very unsafe. In the pattern, a person with a need for security lives a little bit secretly, just in case there should be workarounds: “I’m kind of with you, but I have hidden the waste routes. “I have 5 rubles, and I don’t tell you that there are 10 more in the back pocket”. There is always a desire to protect yourself even more.
There are three main strategies to satisfy the needs for security. As the strategies differ, values also may be different.
Strategies of getting values:
• Get support. In order to feel security and self-confidence, a person stocks up with the support of others. “I want to be friendly with everyone, I want to answer expectations of others so that I can count on reciprocal support and be in an environment that is well disposed towards me.” In this case, support will be a high priority value.
• Do not get involved. In order to feel security and self-confidence, a person tries to the maximum to not get involved in any relationships, so that others do not have any expectations of him. In this case, we are talking about the high priority of the value of freedom. “My safety is in my freedom, in the decline of responsibility for other people. I want no one to have any expectations about me. Let me not have support, it doesn’t matter. I can provide for