Defending the Eyewitness. Rachel Lee
had been surrounded by people who cared about her. Austin had faced something very different. “So everyone was out to get you?”
“Not everyone, and not all the time.” He managed a slight smile. “It was most dangerous at the beginning, then later at the end when we were getting ready to roll everything up.”
“Did anyone know who you really were?”
“I had a couple of contacts.”
That didn’t seem like very many to her. Gage hadn’t been exaggerating when he’d said Austin had been walking a tightrope. And without much of a net evidently.
“Why did you do it?” she asked bluntly.
“Someone has to and I was especially suited. Obviously.”
“But did you really know what you were getting into?”
“Who does?”
She might have laughed if it hadn’t been so frighteningly true.
“Look,” he said finally, “it’s really like the rest of life. We all leap and then look because there’s no way we can really know what it’s going to be like. We think we know, but we don’t. Knowing what I know now, I’d never do that again.”
She nodded, understanding. “Was any of it good?”
“Plenty. I met lots of great people who had nothing to do with my job. I made friends. I had fun.”
“What about the bad?”
“I learned not to trust. I’m having trouble shaking that.”
“I learned not to trust, too.” She hated to say it out loud, but since he was being so forthcoming, she felt she should be, too.
“Ah,” he said, “but you don’t trust men. Me, I don’t trust anybody.”
Her stomach sank. She hadn’t wanted to hear that, even though she had suspected it. But what difference did it make? she asked herself. She might be sitting here having dinner with him, but she didn’t trust him, either. Not yet. Maybe never. All she felt was an attraction she didn’t want to feel, an awakening of desires she had never actually experienced because she was afraid, yearnings that now troubled her sleep, all because of this man, a man she didn’t trust. Not really.
Why should she trust him? They’d shared a roof for a week, but he’d pretty much stayed out of her way. She had tried to do something neighborly for him with the tortillas, and he’d been neighborly right back by making her a fine meal she would never have thought to make otherwise. But that was it. All of it.
She insisted on doing the washing up because he had cooked. He didn’t argue, simply thanked her and disappeared upstairs. That gave her plenty of time to think.
To think about a man who must be good at making friends, at pretending to be something he wasn’t. How else could he have inserted himself in such a way that he gleaned intelligence that could be gotten by no other means. After all, that was the whole point of going undercover. So if he wasn’t a natural-born liar, he had certainly had to become one.
Who was the man living upstairs? He seemed honest with what he shared, but how would she know? And he’d certainly shared very little, really. Maybe that whole thing about those Indians had been meant to disarm her. It had worked fairly well, but how would she know truth from lie with this man?
She felt a welcome stiffening of her spine as she put away the leftovers, including two big stacks of fresh tortillas, and washed the pans. If she was going to work on breaking down her walls with men, Austin was the last man on earth she ought to try it with.
He had secrets upon secrets. He might not even be sure who he really was any longer. Gage had sort of warned her, hadn’t he, with that stuff about finding the person he’d left behind. Well, Austin would never be who he used to be. Some things changed a person forever, as well she knew. He certainly hadn’t had time to settle on the man he’d become.
He’d admitted that he didn’t trust anyone anymore, and she wondered if his distrust included himself. It might. Six years undercover had probably taught him some things about himself that he didn’t like. She couldn’t imagine it wouldn’t. Now he had to deal with that along with everything else.
In short, the guy was a mess. Gage had warned her. So why the hell had she begun to lie awake at night fantasizing about him? It hadn’t happened right away, but at some point in the past couple of days, the initial attraction she had felt then squashed had returned big-time.
But maybe that was because he was safe in a way. He wasn’t going to be here for long, he’d expressed no interest in her, other than an occasional look quickly turned away that she couldn’t mistake even in her inexperience. So, yes, he’d evinced small moments of attraction to her, purely physical, but that was meaningless. She gave him credit for not acting on them.
Which left her exactly where? Indulging in fantasies as she lay in her lonely bed at night, fantasies that probably bore no resemblance to reality because she’d never even kissed a man, let alone gone any further.
Then she had a really ugly thought about herself. This whole tortilla thing. Had she done it to be neighborly or because she wanted his attention?
If she wanted his attention, was it only because he’d be gone in a relatively short time? Was she dancing close to the fire because she felt reasonably certain she couldn’t get burned?
Was she using him?
She sat on the edge of the bed, surrounded by her comforting projects, and tried to figure herself out. Could she really be trying to batter down an old wall without regard to what that might do to him? Because he was pretty much in an emotional blender himself.
A wave of self-loathing rose in her. There were a lot of things she didn’t like about herself, but now she had a new item to add to the list. She didn’t like the way she was cowering from much of life. She knew she was a prisoner of her own fears, and it didn’t make her very proud of herself.
In fact, sometimes it disgusted her, but not even disgust was enough to get her over the hump. Over time she had come to trust a small circle of men, like the sheriff and a number of others. Men she’d interacted with frequently for years. She could talk to them, share coffee with them, even invite them in once in a while as she had with Gage.
She was comfortable in this town, or comfortable enough, because the faces had become familiar over the years, but she’d let them just so close and no further. She only ever entirely relaxed with women.
It was a mental and emotional prison that not even a few years of therapy had been able to banish. Honestly, if she had seen Austin walking down the street before Gage had introduced him, she would have turned and walked the other way.
She didn’t like being this way. It just was, and she had adapted as best she could.
So what was with the tortillas? She’d brought them home from Melinda’s bakery when she could have just left a note for Austin that Melinda had made them. He could have picked them up tomorrow.
But no, she had decided to be nice, mainly to Melinda, who had gone out of her way to make them and deserved to sell them promptly. She’d brought them home, intending to put them in the refrigerator and leave a note for Austin.
Instead, for some unknown reason, she’d decided to try cooking some of them. Had she been hoping Austin would show up? She certainly hadn’t expected it to turn into him cooking dinner and the two of them eating together.
All her reasoning at the time had seemed perfectly innocent, but it had ended in the most intimate time she had spent with a man ever: the two of them sharing a meal.
Maybe the most surprising part was that she hadn’t run when he started cooking, rude or not. She wasn’t incapable of it, although she was slowly getting better about it.
Still. She looked at herself and wondered if all her superficial reasons had been just that, superficial. There was no question