Hey Homegirl. Lashell Rivers
her, but I liked boys.
We had a lot in common on the takeoff, for she was so pretty but still that ugh girl. We both focused on our flaws. We both had bellies, regular butts, and sucked at math (shrug). I told you about my family. Now hers was the real shit. From Bronx, New York, she had two little brothers, one just born, and a younger sister. Her older sister was in college, and dayum, she was like Cleo with a model-shaped body and beautiful long hair. Cleo was always compared to her sister, which kept her from seeing how beautiful she actually was, hence her insecurity. Not to mention school and babysitting, for her parents had a hustle of trafficking drugs from up north to Baltimore and DC. Be it dope, weed, etc., they were one of the suppliers. Some parents do what they must or are able to do. And they kept what was left to hustle for themselves. They began supplying my sister with green to sell, for she was raising my niece and was in school for some degree. By this time, with my brother being gone, she came back and had my niece, and we all couldn’t live together again for so long because of too much PMS. So mom and I left her the townhome to continue renting, moving only 10 minutes away.
It was before that that I was in the talent show but on punishment for staying out with a boy, my second sexual encounter; and he gave me the clap. It burned like hell when I pissed for three months, not to mention my sister beat my ass because I got stuck at the asshole’s house while missing the last damn bus, smh. I didn’t fuck him that night because I was on, and back then, we didn’t tell boys we were bleeding. Instead, we were harder to get, but then he did get it! And on top of it, he denied giving me the shit!. How do you go to a parent that doesn’t really know you and tell them this? I hid it.
I drank so much water for months so it wouldn’t burn as much while urinating. One boy tried playing with my pussy, and stopping him was difficult. He was so aggressive, and damn if he ain’t touch it. He was telling the whole playground how my pussy stank. Seeing my sister laugh when hearing about it reminded me of the reasons why I went to no one.
One day after I was on stage practicing with Cleo and some of the other girls for the school talent show, Mom was in the audience, with that “you’re in trouble” look. I did ask her if I could enter the talent show, and she told me no. I went for it anyway (shrug). She got me in the car and smushed out my French roll while driving down the street home. I mean, I actually had a voice too and was even practicing a solo with another girl, but she didn’t want to hear it because Tyrone left the clinic. Who else to take it out on?
The girls from the school show walked to my house to see if all was okay, and telling them I couldn’t sing or dance was heartbreaking. Now my sister answered the door, questioning them, and I didn’t even defend her when some said, “Sorry, but your sister’s a bitch,” for I felt the same. I was happy when we moved. The day after the talent show, I went into the school and saw the one singing the song without me on the hallway TV, for they taped the show. “Love Me” was the song. I’ll stick to art, for it’s meant for me (shrug). Even the gay gym coach kept digging in my ass on my voice compared to others, so I’ll stick to coloring.
And I was still carrying chlamydia from that boy! Apparently, it was for too long, for it made my appendix almost burst. I kept vomiting and telling my mother I was sick for days. Even at school, I was sick. Yet she was angry a lot, so all I kept hearing was “Your ass better not be pregnant!” the entire way to the hospital. (That’s another reason I didn’t mention my sick pussy to her.)
“What boy you been with now? Is it the same one? You know I hear things. You better not be pregnant. I have enough to deal with, bills and shit!”
Emergency rushed me for tests just by the looking at me, for it almost burst and bad fluid would’ve poisoned all in me. To top it off, they were telling my mom about the sexually transmitted disease I was carrying, then how being treated days ago could’ve helped the appendix effects. The dumbest look on her face was priceless, especially after talking all that shit. And now, being fourteen with all this, I was able to begin working my first job, with a part-time school worker’s permit. Cleo and I worked together during that summer, and I had two jobs. I began to help pay bills at home and clothe myself. I was working in the same mall I shoplifted from and the mall behind it. I had a lot to fix on myself.
I was going to New York for the first time with Cleo and her family, and she really wanted me to come since I would be the one to back up all the stories on the boyfriend she has up there and her family. But my hair had to be done, for I was carrying bushy roots with straight ends. So after work, I took that forty-five-minute rail ride to Tiffany, and she had friends over, joaning on my hair like shit. They were friends from her high school, and I sat in the dining room while she was doing another’s hair, just feeling ashamed. For it was at that age that I felt so much to be ashamed for already. I was growing up physically and didn’t know what I was doing. I was throwing underwear covered with discharge under my bed because I didn’t want anyone to see them while washing clothes. I was not washing behind my ears to the point I began developing scabs behind them, and I was not showering every day.
Being down south one time with Dad and his wife, while visiting her family @ a cookout, I danced so much at a party that she handed me soap and a washcloth. “Here, you stink. I don’t know what’s going on at home, but you need to wash.” I was embarrassed and down enough. I began reforming, sometimes soaking in the tub and getting what looked like layers of dirt floating and a dirty ass ring surrounding me.
But I came to work the next day with a fresh perm and cut, seeing mouths drop in shock, surprised on how pretty I really am. That weekend, I went up north, and it was fun. Her pops took me on a tour of the things I had seen on TV like the Empire State Building and the Apollo Theater. Cleo was bracing herself for my reaction, then she was telling me the girl before who went up with them went crazy seeing it all. But oh well, we stayed with her grandmother in the Patterson Projects, Bronx, along with her little sister. And the boys stayed in Harlem with her mom and pops, doing their thing. She and I wore matching dresses that day in different colors. I felt pretty for the first time, and I met the handsome boyfriend she had claimed to fuck. But she was still a virgin and was embarrassed to admit it to the other girls. We shopped together, and she showed me something new on having attention: how to carry myself like she was taught. Then we began 9th grade.
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