On the Emmaus Road. Mary Brennan Thorpe

       FOR THE DEPARTING PRIEST

      It sounds trite to say that leaving a parish is hard, but it is important to acknowledge that. Even if one’s tenure has been difficult, we form relationships with those whom we serve. Even if we have not accomplished everything we had hoped for, we know we have affected the lives of people in the parish and in the community. Even if we have been longing for the freedom of retirement, we wonder how our identity will reshape itself without the quotidian work of parish life.

      A departing priest may be tempted to push down the feelings of grief attendant with the ending of a pastoral relationship, filling the last days of our tenure with activities and projects. It is perhaps our denial of the finitude of things, of our own mortality, of our sense that we didn’t accomplish everything that we wished we had.

      Still, it is a necessary thing to do.

      Your parishioners are working through a range of feelings themselves. You’ve seen this before as you’ve pastored them through their own griefs. They may present as scared, anxious, uncertain, angry, stressed. The thoughts that run through their minds range from, “What if there is no priest to comfort me and to eulogize me when I die?” to “She would have to leave now right in the middle of the building project/personnel restructuring/introduction to a new stewardship campaign/illness of the organist.” Those who may have been less enthusiastic about your ministry are now facing the reality that, to paraphrase the words of a former president, they won’t have you to kick around anymore. Lay leaders wonder what burdens will be placed upon them, and if they are up to the task.

      Thoughts may be running through your head as well. “I really do need to leave, but maybe I should stay a little longer, since we’ve had construction delays on the new building.” “I’m exhausted, but they seem so unready for a search.” “If I go, then that difficult person may believe that he has defeated me.” “If I had one more year, I might have been able to [you fill in the blank].”

      And in the midst of it, you are also dealing with your own discomfort with people saying how wonderful you’ve been, how they cannot imagine the parish without you, expressing their gratitude for your service and love, telling you laudatory stories that you had long ago forgotten. Most of us are a little uneasy when we are the subject of praise, and the last few months of your tenure will be filled with that.

      So here are some realities, strategies, ideas for you in the time before you depart your parish:

      • Remember that transition processes have evolved since the last time you were called, and the diocesan transition ministry officer is actually very aware of the fact that every parish is unique and every process has its particular joys and challenges. This means that you cannot try to control or influence that process. You do not have a role in the selection of an interim. Neither do you have a role in proposing a particular transition methodology for the parish. Trust that your bishop and your diocesan transition ministry officer have that covered.

      • If the vestry has an idea and wishes to propose something to your bishop and your diocesan transition ministry officer, it is their responsibility to do so, not yours. They should be aware, however, that your bishop knows what works, what doesn’t work and why, and has the authority to direct the lay leadership to preserve “the order, discipline, and unity” of the diocese.

      • Think ahead joyfully! Plan a vacation for the time immediately after your last day. You can visit grandchildren, go to the beach, go to Paris—you’ve earned it, and so has your spouse, if you are so blessed. Time to unhook from the place you’ve served, and it’s easier to unhook if you are not reachable.

      • Complete whatever materials your diocese requires to ensure a smooth hand-off. If this is not a part of the process in your diocese, you might put together some key priest-to-priest information about matters like works in process, key players, pastoral issues. This document will provide a way for the interim or priest-in-charge that follows to “hit the ground running” and will assure that important information, particularly the sort of information that a priest conveys to another priest, doesn’t slip through the cracks. If you have questions about what to include, remember the last time you were called to serve a parish. What did you wish someone had told you? That’s what your successor will want to know.

      • Now is the time to do some coaching of your lay leadership. If you have always run the vestry meetings, you might want to coach your wardens in how you construct an agenda, how you manage different viewpoints, how you make sure there is always a spiritual “heart” to the work that you do together. You might also coach ordained and lay staff to take on more responsibility in their areas. Remember that they will be anxious too. Your transition ministry officer can meet with them, if you’ve got more than a couple of part-timers. Know that we do not require blanket resignations, which was a practice a long time ago.

      • You’ll also want to coach the parish as a whole on what you will and will not do in terms of interacting with them after your departure. Most dioceses have a policy guideline for resigning priests, and we recommend that you familiarize yourself with it as well as sharing it with your vestry, and in a more informal manner, with your parishioners. The intent is not to exclude you from the life of the parish you have served so much as to leave graceful space for your successor to develop relationships with parishioners without your presence in the system as a “shadow pastor.” You will have done your job of saying goodbye well when you can see from afar that they have bonded well with their new priest. Keep in mind that one’s role as a parish priest is to serve as a guide and companion for one section of their pilgrimage, after which they are handed off to the next guide and companion, who will bring different but equally important gifts. Only God serves as their companion for the entire journey, and that is more than enough.

      • Be gracious if the parish wants to give you a parting gift, or dedicate a project or space to your ministry among them. Even if you hate to have people say complimentary things about you, let them have that opportunity. If there are old wounds that need healing, attend to them. Forgiveness (both asking and offering) is a beautiful parting gift.

      • Make sure that all the necessary passwords or administrator log-ins have been identified for the lay leadership, all keys have been turned in, and any church credit card has been returned. Similarly, any church records or documents or files that are in your desk at home need to come back to the church, appropriately filed. If you have lived in a rectory, please clean it out as you would any apartment or home you are vacating. If there are things in the rectory that need fixing, make sure whomever is in charge of buildings and grounds in the parish is aware.

      Postdeparture (for retiring priests):

      • If you are moving to a new community, make sure that you give your new contact information to your diocesan offices, and if you are moving out of your diocese, do let your new diocese know that you’re there, whether you want to be available for supply work/interim work/consulting work or not.

      • If you are not moving to a new community, find another parish in which to worship. This may mean spending a few months attending in a variety of churches to find one that feels like a fit. Do not assume that you will have a priestly role in that place; some rectors want that and some do not. Do not automatically assume that a large parish is your best option. Particularly if you want to continue to share your priestly gifts in a helpful way, you could be a great gift to a smaller parish with a solo priest. If that is the case, make sure mutual expectations are clear. One priest we know does not want to preach anymore, but loves to preside, so the vocational deacon or the seminarian in that parish preaches when he presides. One loves to do visitations to the homebound, but no longer wants to preside or preach because of physical limitations. One simply sits in the pews. There is no one model—it’s what you want and feel called to do and what the rector/vicar/priest-in-charge feels is a good fit.

      • Do remember that, if you are married, this is the first time in a long time that you and your spouse get to worship side by side. Enjoy that blessing!