The Ex-Pat's Guide to the Best of the Wurst. John Doyle

      1. Introduction

      When I tell people I’ve been living in Germany for the past twenty years I’m often the recipient of many a strange look. Sometimes people even have the audacity to ask: “Why would anyone want to do that? Are you nuts?” Expat friends of mine in Paris or in Rome never hear such things. They get “hey cool”, or “wow”, or “must be nice” when they mention where they call home.

      I mention “Germany” and I’m asked:

      “Were you in the military, in jail or taken hostage?”

      It really pisses me off! It’s so unfair!

      I was even asked by a stranger in a bar once –

      “Were you in a coma?”

      I said, “fuck no!” but he didn’t believe me.

      The problem is this: people just can’t understand why anyone from the United States would freely want to live in Germany for so long. It’s kind of like you’re telling them “Germany”, but they’re actually hearing “Afghanistan.” Or “an underground bamboo prison in southeast Asia! Like I said, so unfair! Especially when you consider that the weather in such prisons is much warmer!

      Even Germans are perplexed when I tell them I’ve been here for more than 23 years now. They ask similar questions:

      “Were you in the military, in prison or in a mental hospital?”

      O.K., I’ll admit it, Germany does have certain disadvantages that might partially explain these attitudes. Take learning German for example: it’s hard. It’s really hard. And don’t be surprised if you find yourself spitting profusely when actually trying to speak German. Also not so great. I remember being asked almost every day: “why are you spitting on me? I thought we were friends!” I said, “of course we are. I just can’t stop spitting on you!”

      Germany is also bureaucratic to the hilt. Remember those Franz Kafka novels you were forced to read in high school? That’s how bureaucratic Germany really is. You’ll notice this when you register with the authorities for the first time. You’ll walk down endless corridors searching for the right door to knock on while wondering the whole time, “what the heck am I doing here?”

      But if you can overcome these and other obstacles with out losing it completely, you’ll soon discover, as I did, that Germany is a pretty amazing place!

      It’s amazing