The Ex-Pat's Guide to the Best of the Wurst. John Doyle
very real ad I read on the back of a bathroom door at the University of Freiburg library:
Two out-going girls and one sport-crazy guy are looking for a new friend to live with us! We do NOT want someone who just stays in their room and keeps to themselves. We love to throw parties, and everyone pitches in to buy beer. We plan a lot of activities and like to watch TV together. Two of us have cats and our cats rule the apartment, haha. So no one who is allergic please! We would also like someone who speaks fluent Spanish or French so we can practice! We’re all REALLY into electro and dub step, so be prepared to hear a lot of it.
I thought you moved in with people based on whether you have similar opinions about loud music and dirty dishes and if you could afford the rent. But in Germany, it is much, much more serious. You don’t move in with people, you ‘found a WG’, like you’re the fucking pilgrims on Plymouth Rock, founding the Massachusetts Bay Colony. And when you need a new roommate, you do a ‘WG Casting’ (yes, it REALLY is called a casting) for whoever will play the role of everyone’s new best friend forever. Because you can’t just spontaneously have fun in Germany. Fun has to be planned, has to be determined and organized and scheduled, because then how would you know you’re having it?
This is great for introverts who want to get to know a lot of people at once before they slowly start to hate them all and how they put the cups back in the cupboard with the handles facing instead of out and how they always have loud Skype conversations with their cousins at 3 in the morning before you have an exam and refuse to use headphones because screw your need to sleep and eat your yogurt and don’t shut the door when they have sex and sing loudly and out of tune while the cook and…
Sorry. I might still have some post traumatic stress.
For introverts, this WG set up is a nightmare that will make you long for the days of the old lady and her rules about only having 1 guest over at a time and barring you from using the refrigerator.
Since WGs can somehow be passed down from roommate to roommate without a new lease being drawn up or the landlord kicking you out to renovate and let the place to an unmarried doctor, most of the decorations on your walls were probably put up when Paris Hilton was considered interesting. There will be photographs of parties where girls are wearing butterfly clips and body glitter and a poster from when coke cost 1 Deutschmark. Weird inside jokes are scrawled along the inside of your bathroom, underneath a calendar from 2002. It is blasphemous to take any of these things down or change them at all.
3. Free at last (free meaning really, prohibitively expensive)
So you’ve finished studying, or you’ve managed to beat the impossible odds that John’s generation saddled us with and gotten a job. Who cares if it means looking after a rich family’s kids while you cry over your Master’s degree? You can finally stop getting halfway through and realizing one of your roommates used the last of your toilet paper, you can find your own place!
There is one very, very odd thing you will notice when you start apartment hunting in Germany. You will step into the kitchen, and right there where the sink, and oven, and fridge should be is a very sad empty space with some wires sticking out of the wall. Apparently Germans are very intimate with their kitchens, and take them out and move with them. Occasionally, someone who has realized what a pain in the ass this is will offer to “sell” you their kitchen as if they are very definitely doing you a favor and not the other way around.
Imagine moving into a new place, exhausted from bring boxes all day, and not being able to refrigerate those extra pieces slices. After you move, you’ll have to haul it to IKEA, buy a bunch of appliances you have no idea about, and even less of an idea about how to install these potentially fatal-gas-leaking devices into your kitchen.
If you manage to find a place WITH a kitchen, and without a realtors fee (up to three months rent sometimes) and actually near places like a supermarket and pharmacy, then you’re lucky. If you manage to find this within the vicinity of the city center, then you’re a mythical being who is stealing all the good apartments from us normal folks.
3. Keep it formal at first!
If you are thinking of coming to Germany and conversing with Germans (and you’ll have to at some point), remember this: be formal when addressing people who are older than you. And since pretty much everyone in Germany is older than you, because the old refuse to die, and the young refuse to procreate, it’s best to keep it formal!
But what exactly do I mean by this? Excellent question. Let’s say you’re renting a room from Heinz and Helga Schmidt. Keeping things formal means that you’re not living with Heinz and Helga per se, but rather with Herr Schmidt and Frau Schmidt. See what I mean here? Throw in a “Herr” or a “Frau” and you’re showing respect. Call them Heinz and Helga, and they’re likely to hit you over the head with a frying pan!
Continue to keep it formal until either Heinz or Helga tells you:
“Hallo, ich bin die Helga.”
Or “Guten Tag, ich bin der Heinz.”
If you hear a first name mixed in there, this is your opportunity to become a bit less formal with them. Reply by saying: “Und ich bin der Tom”, (and I’m Tom. If of course your name happens to be Tom. If it’s Jim use Jim.)
When Germans introduce themselves using their first names, after having previously introduced themselves with their surnames, they are indicating that they would like to get to know you a bit better, and no longer think you’re a potential axe murderer living under their roof! Embrace this reality and make the best of it!
You can also tell that you’re in the middle of a “formal” situation if the person you’re talking with constantly uses the word “Sie” when addressing you (“Sie” is the German formal for “you”).
Essentially anything with a “Sie” in it means you should keep things formal:
“Haben Sie Zeit für mich?“ (Do you have time for me?)
“Gehen Sie ins Kino heute Abend?“ (Are you going to the movies tonight?)
“Möchten Sie mit mir schlafen?“ (Would you like to have sex with me?)
On the other hand, anything with a “du” (another form of “you”) in it is informal.
When you get to the “du” level, you can ask the same person the same questions in a more informal way:
“Hast du Zeit für mich?” (Do you have time for me?)
“Gehst du ins Kino heute Abend?” (Are you going to the movies tonight?)
“Möchtest du mit mir schlafen?” (Would you like to have sex with me?)
4. Small talk
When conversing with Germans in German, or in English for that matter, remember this: Germans hate small talk. They think it’s superficial and phony, and just plain terrible, so don’t do it!
What many people enjoy as an opportunity to engage in idle chitchat, while not saying anything that’s sexist, racist or just plain mean for five minutes, Germans find a complete waste of time.
Here’s one example of this. I was at a party once and tried to flirt with a pretty hot-looking German student named Sonja. I remember thinking as I looked over at her…she’s exactly my type. She’s a woman and has a pulse. I made my move. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I think it had something to do with Britney Spears getting a tattoo, or forgetting to wear her underwear in court. This was big news back then, or at least in my world and I figured I’d try it out on Sonja.
I remember turning to her and asking: “Pretty crazy,